The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm usually on the receiving end of AH's silent treatment and I absolutely hate it. It makes me feel so insignificant and unloved.
Yet,here I am being the one giving him the silent treatment for the 2nd day. I'm not doing it to purposely hurt him though,like he does me. I'm not doing it as a form of control or punishment either,like he does.
I'm silent because I know that right now Im not able to say anything to him that I won't regret later. After another horrible Saturday with him,I don't even know what to say really. It's not something I want to overlook or let go of,it was extremely upsetting to me. And I am processing what happened and how I should respond. And when.
It kinda feels a little childish but I know it's what I need to do for myself right now. I don't want to argue,I don't want to lose my temper,I don't want to have a meltdown either.
Im not sure what I want right now other than this silence. It feels right to me,it feels like the right thing to do.
I find there are times I need to say, I need time to reflect and can't discuss (insert) when I am ready I will let you know. This gives the other person the opportunity to think about their choices. They have a right to say not right now as well.
I am open to other discussions, (small talk) if that's possible, however if it's not, I find it's ok to say I just need silence to handle what's going on. My mom has a very difficult time with this, and I get that however I don't find forcing a discussion to have a positive outcome at least with me. I absolutely control how much I expose myself or conversations I have with her because we are not good together. I'm finding as I give myself permission to say "no" I can do it in a kinder way. I wasn't always kind when I said no in the past, I found that had more to do with the fact of my reactions to her and the proximity of her not listening to what I was saying. As in NO, I feel that space is important for everyone. It is hard, and it can be painful.
Big hugs,
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
SF - I always support taking the time needed to work on a response vs. a reaction. Doing this has been hard for me but very helpful. I also have had undesirable outcomes when I force a conversation/confrontation. I also used to think another's silent treatment was an intended punishment. I no longer do - I choose to believe instead that they are either not willing or not wanting to have the discussion. It took Al-Anon for me to accept that everyone has different ways of processing life and life events and my way is not better/worse than another - just different. Today, I can see that when I work to respond instead of react, the disposition is usually much better than before. This helps me continue to practice pausing to respond instead of blowing and reacting. Keep doing what you're doing - the answers will come...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I love reminders IAH especially when they come to me without asking. Your post is like an echo from the elders and my elder sponsor that taught me sooo much. The lessons regarding responding rather than reacting were on the level of my NASA experiences where what I was learning was much more useful than anything or anyway else. (((hugs)))
I think my relationship.with the qualifier was like this. One reaction.after another
In sone respects ny relationship.with my.forner roommate is like that too
The constant churn of his acting out is exhausting. Right now I.have to deal with it and it is extremely.difficult to mot react i.am lookimg forward to.the day I.do not.have to.tread on eggshells any.more
Really really looking firward to.it. That day.is going to.dawn soon.
I inow for me that refraining from soeaking is part of the process of change. Neverthele ss that disciplime and restraint had taught me to be focused on preserving my.enwrgy and strength
I.hsve an extremely high tolerance for bad behavior. The way my.former roommate treated ne when I.was sick.was horrible
No one deserves that and I.certainly.did not. Yellimg at me when I.was exhaisted is not acceptable either. Who needs someone like that but at certain times we have to.engage with people who act like that.
In the middle of this unprecedented epidemc no.one needs to have their weekend ruined. You have enough to.contend with. These are unprecedented times we are about to.go into.a recession that will make 2008 look.gpod. Every.bit.of our energies will be neefed to.engage with that
These days i have a sense of how much I.can contend woth. I also have a sense of how I can get there. These are really really hard times. I.do not need people in my.life who are deliberately cruel to.me when i.sm ill. No matter what I.feel like I have to.find ways to distance nyself from that behavior
One step at a time.
Distancing is the first step there is nothing childish about that. After that there are many other steps but first of all you hsve to have the first step.
Maresie
(((sunny))) this is a wonderful share about detaching from the scene a bit... keeping ourselves under the microscope... examining the own motives behind our words and actions. well done.
Your progress reflects my own, eventually realizing all my talk and reasoning with him is like talking to the wall... just wasted breath. My sponsor used to ask me, "is there anything you haven't already told him yet?? Like what does he NOT know yet? Telling him MORE than once is an example of you trying to control it and yet step one says we are powerless over alcohol and alcoholism.."
I learned to talk only to receptive minds.
just stand back and observe the depths the disease had taken him... so cunning, baffling, and powerful. Part of self-care was protecting myself from future regret, stop increasing my list of amends. if I had nothing GOOD to say, best to say nothing at all.
Gradually, I learned to take my surrender and silence into meditation upon the higher power. Every day, it got longer and deeper and became the perfect substitute for watching alcoholism.
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 25th of August 2020 07:27:08 AM
At the time, I did not have enough self-awareness (as you do) to think much about if it was affecting my partner... I just knew that if I had to talk I was going to explode! And nobody needed that!
I think after a couple days, my SO finally said to me in a hurt and pouty voice, "Well, are you ever going to talk to me?" By that time, I was able to say, "Sure, but not about x,y,z, b/c I am still processing how I feel about that, and right now I don't feel good."
It was Al-Anon that helped me to respond in that way. Of course, my SO did not like that answer, but by then I understood I had no control over that! LOL!
I must say, it is very hard to "take the high road," when your partner always tries to blame, accuse, or otherwise demean you. Very hard. I commend you for knowing your limits and respecting them!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
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