The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some arrive at AlAnon with a list of reasons for ill will toward the alcoholic.
Today's author suggests that using this list to polish our Martyr's halo and keep unpleasant events fresh in our minds is a harmful practice; neither is it our right or responsibility.
Getting rid of such a list daily is best practice as it allows a fresh start on our task: looking for opportunities to improve our own attitudes and actions.
Reminder: Storing and tending to our grievances sabotages our life and serenity by keeping unpleasantness fresh and in the forefront. Daily and effective use of Alanon tools allows us to forget them if we choose to, "...if [we] don't make a memorandum of it." --------------------------------- Memories are strengthened and altered each time they are retrieved. By replaying unpleasant memories, it is easy to overstate the role of the alcoholic and drastically underplay my own role.
Before I found AlAnon, I didn't realize the great degree to which I carried this out. Daily reflection on AlAnon principles helps me see more clearly my tendency to do just that.
It is now up to me to commit daily to letting go of my perceived grievances with others so I can focus on the true cause of my discomfort: My own attitudes, actions, and perceptions.
Very grateful for the wisdom and tools of AlAnon and guidance of a higher power that make this possible
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks Paul for your service and for both really great shares above. I relate to all thats been said. Im trying very hard to give up my anger and resentment towards my A. Every morning I ask God to remove my character defects, and I specifically identify anger and resentment towards my A. I repeat this request every morning, and Ive been doing it for quite a long time. I do see some progress as of late (progress not perfection). I must admit in the past I have gotten stuck with the notion that with meetings/treatment an alcoholic can make great strides. So Ive had trouble looking past the situation I have, which is that my A does not want treatment. But I am learning I can be fine no matter what the A is doing , and the other lesson is so important: if I stay focused on others behaviors, then I deprive myself of being at peace.
Thank you Paul for the Daily and your service. TT- Like you, I didn't know how to "Keep the focus on me" in the very beginning of my journey... especially during my first foray into Al-Anon. I was still married and living w/my qualifier, and thought everything would be peachy if he would just attend to his addiction. While that may have been true, I never really looked at my part of enabling his behavior, b/c I thought it was survival... and it was in a way. It was me unwilling to delve deep into knowledge about addiction, and accept it's realities, but also it was me willing to accept the unacceptable as "normal life."
I have mixed feelings about today's daily, b/c my experience was different. I needed that list of wrongs for quite a while, so that I could stay "angry" and do the things I needed to do for me and kid to be safe and sane. Without that list, I would cave... b/c that was MY pattern. However, at some point I did come to realize that holding on to those negative feelings (once we were in a safe environment and taken care of) was just harming me! That negative energy did nothing to my qualifier... did not change him, did not affect him in any way. They were keeping ME down!! There are times, and things that pop up every now and then, and my friends ask me, "Doesn't that just piss you off?" I can safely say b/c of Al-Anon, I can tell them with honesty, "It used to, now I don't let it take away my joy."
As with everything, some days are better than others with this.
Record heat again... I am glad I am going to work! LOL! Enjoy your Tuesday, MIP! &
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
For me, todays reading points to one thing - inventory. I have found no other way to LET GO of tending a garden of resentment until I see what it is about ME that got stung in the first place.
I am grateful our program helps us out of erroneous thinking - The good guys vs. the bad guys. and somehow we are always the good guy. ummm.
When I nailed down my contributions to suffering in the alcoholic relationship, I was free to not repeat it again, further harming myself and others. It was necessary to name my own error, through inventory to let him off the hook.
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 18th of August 2020 11:37:41 AM
Oh boy! Easier said than done. The pity party and the good old poor me's.
Don't bring this stuff to meetings. Talk with your sponsor.
Come to meetings to showcase your recovery.
Thanks for the topic Paul.
And hi y'all... ...
These were the messages I got- in the early days. My first six or 8 years in Alanon we had no sponsors and our group was an all-in sharing meeting. It had been a new group we started- the first in town. A lot of our members were the wives and partners of construction workers.
Discipline came later. I thought some incoming policies were unworkable. But then- I had an abiding resentment against any form of authority.
The answer, for me- was in Concept 4. "Participation is the key to harmony."
The survival of Alanon is something of a miracle. We are all miracles.
I had had classic cases of gaslighting and scapegoating in my family. Projection.
I sensed examples of this in Alanon too. Nor surprising, really; considering where we had all come from.
Sifting through the rights and wrongs. Seeking progress and not perfection. It happens.
The tools and guidelines are here. Some of us have a wide range of experience.
I think that swapping notes helps a lot. Creating an Alanon that is healing. That offers hope.
An Alanon that is practical.
Everyone here gains credence and authority, because we have all been through it all.
I don't have the same anger and resentment that I started out with. I am much less of a victim.
My faith has deepened beyond compare. My ability to communicate has taken leaps and bounds.
I still have some way to go. I keep the focus on myself- or try to.
This is all I can do- and all that is required.
Cold morning here, again- but getting warmer every day.
Off tomorrow to spend time with our son and family. Having to navigate through a covid lock-down.
But not too tough to get around.
I am just so grateful for this world and for this life. Despite the obstacles.
In many ways the obstacles have helped to make me.
Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares and ESH. I must raise my hand - I kept mental lists, tracked who did what and when and 'what I owed in return'. I was a walking JADE'r with more resentments than could fit into my head/heart. I was absolutely floored when I first arrived and not only did another not tell me how to get them to stop drinking, they told me I needed to focus on me and my 'illness'....
This did not sit well with me at all. I returned to battle the disease and try to manage and control others more until I was defeated and numb. I returned again with an open mind and made my best effort to listen to learn how others were able to have peace in the midst of the chaos this disease brings.
I too am grateful that through practice of this program and all the tools, I am improved. I am more likely today to pause and pray before I proceed. I am better able to mind my own business and pray for another instead of rescuing/controlling/reacting. I absolutely love that our program suggests we deal with today only, stay present and focus on just this 24 hour period. This tool brings me tons of relief/peace when my mind wants to wonder to the past or the future.
Happy Tuesday everyone....I am headed out to volunteer this afternoon after golfing this morning. We are having another lovely day of unseasonably comfortable temperatures - perfect outside and window weather. Make it a great day! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For me anger could be the blowback anger that caused me a lot of problems
Once I was triggered then everything came out. There is no better trigger for me than
an active alcoholic. That is one reason I have to tread so carefully around them
So what was and still is productive for me is to unearth those triggers. Most of all it is crucial to not react. That is not to do what feels so critical to do at the time.
Maresue
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