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Hi! Pretty new to this end of the forum. I'm on the ACOA side moreso.
Recently my sister has relapsed after 25 years sober. It's a long story, but hard drugs also involved in this relapse, which lasted for about a year. At the time I was focused on being there for her as I could and tried hard not to enable. Be that as it may, I did end up keeping secrets and kinda just swept everything under the rug when she became sober for a few months. She partook in some relatively risky behavior recently, potentially exposing my family to covid. Thank goodness it was a false alarm, but it was the thing that brought all the other stuff back into the spotlight. I've asked for some space while I figure out what boundaries to set, and of course this doesn't go well w my family since they are all so used to sweeping stuff under the rug and getting along like "normal."
I'm pretty sure she came to a couple of family events on substances, which at the time I was in denial about. The thing that worries me most is my niece living in that household and my son, for we see my family kind of often. Maybe once a month in these covid times. Now, I'm not thrilled about either one of them being around her, really, if I am being honest. I love her. But if she was anyone other than my sister I likely would have ousted her from my life being that I am not trying to be around more drama. Not to mention unhealthy behaviors.
SO! Any suggestions on boundary setting? Has anyone been in a similar scenario? Any advice? HALP!! Thanks so much
The whole issue of how you.get exposed to the virus is really kind of murky m. There reallly is not.sn exact science to it.
Nevertheless, for me, the swwepung under the rug is and was entirely normal my whole life. Then I got to a point where I wanted ti ve out of thaf reflex action. However it was and still is extremely difficult to not swing the other way and ve obsessive.
I know that many.many.people decide thst there are certain bubbles that they are comfortable with. Onviously that is with some trust involved. I know I have trusred many B alcoholic and it was auite frankly disastorous to me .
I.have to say that I hear often about about ciisters of exposure. There are, of course, families where everyone goes down.. Lately therr have been people Including my neughbors. In fact when I got notice that one of my neighbors was infected I decided to oull back boundaries even more
I.am pretty.much ceetain I alreafy had the virus before we all knew what it meant
In fact I am almost 100% certain of it. Thaf doesnt mean I can relax my guard. In fact it means I need to be pretty careful. I was really sick for weeks.
I think.for me in dealing witb an alcoholic active in their disease is that they exist on another level from me and there is huge gap. . Thay stance being a pretty self abrsorbed olace. I was willng to overlook all this before.now.
I can get to.being kind of obsessive around an alcohoic around the issue of boindaries and how truggered i.am. Then, like you I feel I should have cut them out long ago.
Being in thst murky place is very painful.
This is a very hard topic and I.am glad you are willimg to discuss it.
Maresie
... b-b-b-boundaries... Still fumble with the word alone. I still don't know if I understand the word. I was bought up with standards- but a lot of regular standards of behaviour were not demonstrated to me.
I have a friend who has been in AA for years- but he still smokes dope. This would be a big no-no for a lot of people. I have a nephew who is now "clean" from using meth. But he is still on methadone maintenance programme. In both cases I say: progress not perfection.
I tend to take narratives like yours- my own narratives- and keep talking... keep walking the talk.
I always think that we are all in this together... ...the more we close ranks and share- discover the likenesses, and the differences- the more understanding we have.
Boundaries. I am looking at stuff like rituals of encounter and rites of passage- working together. To help form flexible boundaries. To remove rigid barriers and create healthy boundaries.
cestlavie - welcome to this area of MIP! Glad you stopped by....I am so sorry about the relapse after 25 years - that's tough to watch and this virus/pandemic just complicates everything. My thoughts on boundaries are that it's about self protection and not punishment.
My best suggestions are to embrace the Al-Anon recovery program as best you can. Allow it to complement your ACoA program/efforts, and just spend some time with the Serenity Prayer. This disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful that we (family and friends) often get sucked in deeply before we even realize how affected we are.
My own experience is that until I realized how powerless I really was over other people, places and things and became willing to put my needs above all others, my boundaries were either super weak or punitive. I had to do some deep work on me before I learned enough to have healthy boundaries and needed direct guidance of a sponsor.
I truly am sorry for how the disease is affecting you and your family. Keep coming back and know that you're not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
... b-b-b-boundaries... Still fumble with the word alone. I still don't know if I understand the word. I was bought up with standards- but a lot of regular standards of behaviour were not demonstrated to me.