I grew up in a family where anything could happen any minute. Violence was common, alcohol, gamblimg, projection were all.ways they managed their turmoil. I have no idea how I survived that. Somehow I did. So you.would think growimg up like that that I would be able to live quite normally in these times. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have little resilience and no patience. I.make goals then have to revise them That isnt that hard really. However every week it is another exercise on standing on my head and that is pretty tiring. So a new feanework is required to take it slower and be conscious there is no handbook.for this. Admittedly I did not stand on my head before. After all I was in a relationship.with my qualifier for 8.years. That was a tumultuous intense relationship which resulted in a seies of disasters for me. Climbing outta that crater took years Now my relationships are less intense. I.met simeone recently who I.had someethings in common.with. There was a rapport there. But then there were a few red flags mostly with his respinse to the pandemic. Then there were other red flags In the oast when there were red flafs i barrelled on through. Then when the flags were like a.military oarade I felt lost and betrayed and most of all bewildered . Going slow helos lot. Checking in helos a lot. Cautiousness helos a lot. Letting go is easier that way. It is not a explosion of repressee rage groef and despair then. Then there is less sense pf betrayal and less anger less remonstration.which.is helpful. Then life goes mire gently rather than sime roller coaster ride. I have to shelve many of my olans for this year because this oandemic is so diffcult to deal with. Every day is a new halting orocess navigating bew waters snd really bewilderment. Goimg to the trocery store getting to the cashier is like being ona ghost train.with no signs in place. One of my goals for this week was to have some more time off. Then a big bill surfaced. Oops there goes another plan. Payig bills is one of the priorities. I am trying to negotiate this process lightlu but teally I would l Iike to have a lesawr load. Maybe that is not to be this year after all maybe I was beng too optimistic back in March. I am now back to one day at at a tiine one week at s time. Having a therapist certainly helps. Putting a oause button on really helos. Niw I have to get a new tool box. Recently the former roommate texted ne at 2:00 am. I had told him I was working a double shift. He is infamous for his needling. I told him thaf I was at wirk, what he was talking about (another put down) was not that pressing and I would get back to hilm. I have no intention of discussing it with him because any infomation is ammunition to him Normally I feel quite triggered by him and am in a whole scenario about how I want to be in a place where I do not have to.engage with him at all. That day is coming.sooner rather than later. Today he did not trigger ne which of course he does deliberately. I dodged that one. . One day down not being triggered the more days I do that the more resilient I.am. .i have to give up wondering when this oandemic will be over. Who knows? I just have to go gently about my day and do the best I can taking care of me. Howver many days a week I gotta work to do that is where I am right now. I.might not like it bit that is where it is. Tomorrow is another day Maresie