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A boundary I have set for myself,quite awhile ago,is I refuse to be around AH when he's drinking. It's so different when he drinks compared to other substances and I just simply don't want to be around him when he does.
With this pandemic, there's not a lot of options. Oh,and with this extreme heat on top of it makes things even harder. If I go outside he always follows me. If I go into another room,same thing. I've gone to the school and have sat in the parking lot in my car many times but I need other places to go too.
Visiting someone isn't an option right now due to my States restrictions. And it's not like I can go shopping or anything like that. So where do you go,what do you do to get away?
Or, maybe I should be asking how to enforce this boundary? What can I do to get him to just leave me be? I've been trying to stay in another room and do artwork but when he drinks he has to make sure he has my attention constantly and it's extremely frustrating. I've tried asking nicely,have yelled,have given up even trying to do artwork because of him.
Any similar stories to share and how you've dealt with it?
SunnyFrogs, I do not have any good answers, but I feel for you so much!
I am not sure what I would have done if there had been a lockdown while I was living with a sick alcoholic. Could you drive to a scenic spot and just enjoy the view, or maybe call into a Zoom meeting or telephone meeting from your car? Could you take a really long shower? How about noise-cancelling headphones, listen to podcasts or music or just the silence? Where I live, restaurants are doing outside, socially distant dining -- could you take yourself out to dinner?
I hope others will have some good ESH, but I want you to know you are in my thoughts
I'm n to sure what your options are. In your situation, I walked or drove to a park cooled by lots of trees. I brought a book or music. I walked. I know you're in the midst of heat, so a cool bath behind a locked door might be an option. Here you can bring a book or music to blot out his noise.
Over time, I learned that consistently leaving the room where he was infecting my serenity worked. Over and over. It was my boundary, and i found I had to be the vigilant one. He lost his brain when using, and I finally accepted I was the sensible one. Sometimes one day at a time was way impossible. 5 minutes at a time was more like it.
I went to my car, even if it was parked in the driveway. For me I just needed a moment and after leaving my XAH it had to do more with peace of mind. I will tell you I went to the gas station and sat to long that a lovely couple asked me if I was ok .. and I laughed because I said I'm soooo sorry everything is fine I just needed a timeout from children. I just needed to be in a place that was quiet that I could think, it was sweet that they thought to check on me. LOL.
My XAH only followed me one time and that was all it took for him to realize that wasn't a good idea to back ME into a corner. My first X did that and because of physical violence from him .. he spent a couple nights in jail. I don't like to be cornered .. ever. To me it's a very frightening experience to feel that kind of helplessness like I did that night and that was a PTSD reaction I shocked my now X so badly that he actually decided it was best for him to go to his mom's. I think it scared him as much as it scared me.
I think for me my physical safety is what it's about .. I need to feel safe .. the other person can be drunk or whatever .. I need to feel safe that means if I leave the room that needs to be a given to leave me alone. If you can create that for yourself inside your home that's the best situation, however if you can't I have found the quiet of the car necessary.
Big hugs, you'll find what works for you. In those moments I called my sponsor or an alanon friend to just find that footing.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Engaging is the whole issie. If you do jot engage that is critical. Of coyrse tgat is extremeky difficukt to do.
In order to do that you gave to reacj veyond the trigger
.
I sn seeing a theralist now. He suggesrs using the resourcefulness ae hace inside is. Another thing he suggests is to locate where in your body you feel the stres. Fir me ig is the shallow breathimg. Then you call ioother resoyrces ohysically to nutire your self.
The nost important thing is to know you do not have to perfect this. You can be a beginner
The trigget is the real key for ne. If can identify what the triggwr is that is a hige shift for me. Of course the trugger ofren has veru littke to do with your current situation. that is the issue fuscoverjng what the trigger is often is veru veru oainful.
Maresie
Thanks for all the replies,they're all helpful. And honestly,it makes me feel less like an idiot for sitting in my car at the school parking lot.
I do believe Maresie888 might have hit the nail on the head about not engaging though. I try so hard not too thinking he will eventually just give up and leave me alone. He doesn't though,he will go to any lengths to get and keep my attention. If throwing a tantrum doesn't work then he will try the pity route telling me he's going to kill himself. If that doesn't work he will try to be romantic,his tactics are endless. The last time,I hate to admit it but I started looking around the house for a stashed bottle hoping if I got him to drink it he would pass out and I would have some peace. I couldn't find one though. That was my last resort though,I had already tried everything else,I even took off walking in the hot 97 degree sunshine until I almost fainted.
I will just keep trying. I live in the country so maybe next time I will take a chair in the barn or something.
I relate to this very much. My AH also has a hard time understanding my need for my own alone time, and also has the habit of following me around, coming outside etc. He also has tantrums at times, which I absolutely need to put distance between us for, because he likes an audience, and he will continue to sort of escalate his antics to try to get a reaction.
I am also an introvert and just require quiet me time, where he is more extraverted, and doesn't understand my needs, and basically wants the opposite. The quieter I get, the more concerned he gets and his efforts to glue himself to me increase.
I do what I can to keep differences in our schedules. The weekends tend to be the most stressful for me, because he is mostly home. I am going to be honest and say that I don't ever look forward to them.
I try to spend as much time as possible sitting in the yard. It is very hot here as well, so that isn't always workable. I also try to plan errands like grocery shopping around my need for space. Recently he had a major tantrum, I was so upset that I needed several days with very low contact with him, so at one point I went in the bedroom, shut the door and took a nap. This wasn't my favorite solution, but did work.
Sometimes when I go out to the store, I will spend extra time in the parking lot, just sitting in the car looking at my phone and relaxing. I am not sure that these are great or helpful solutions, mostly I just wanted you to know, I really relate!
I use to family recovery sessions for a drug and alcohol program that was attached to substance abuse and alcohol addiction programs. I don't know if you have them available where you are are and if you do you can give them a call and see how or if they can help. Just from my experience. The sessions worked often very well because much of the input came from those affected by the problem often brought on by family members. ((((Hugs))))
(((((Sunnyfrogs))))
Just wanted to give you some hugs and tell you that I can relate to your post 1,000%!!!! It is also my experience that my spouse's usage of alcohol was the worst DOC to live with.
All I can say is, thank my HP for my car! LOL! I can relate to SerenityRUS's share, as I had someone check up on me while I was bawling my eyes out in the car! It was embarrassing for me, so after that, I chose my spots carefully. A good place is a church parking lot... but not on Sunday! LOL!
I also can truly relate to coming to hate weekends. It was the only time it was so difficult to enforce my boundary and get away... I couldn't always just duck out b/c Kid was there and I didn't want to leave him there "alone."
I have also resorted to the "I need to take a nap" solution. I never could lock our bedroom door, so that was out, but I would use my earbuds and a calming, relaxation track.
Perhaps set yourself up a comfy little corner of the barn...
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__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I just had an idea. A couple of years ago I bought a pink laptop with the assumption that nobody would want to use it(AH,and sons),it worked. So I'm thinking maybe I will create either a "she shed" or turn the spare bedroom I'm always in into a "she space". Pink/girly seems to repel the males in my life so if I make it completely feminine,flowers,lots of pink,candles,maybe put a box or two of tampons out in the open(even though I don't need them) it will work as good as bug spray.
Lol,omg,typing that made me laugh. It's actually do-able and might work.
I think carving out personal space is a very hard thimg to do around an active alcoholic. They crave attention
Many.of the al anon suggestions really helo. Thst is not arguing.
For me the issue of carving out a personal space has been a lifelong issie. Making my time is very hard when you are conditinef to take care of others.
Beginnng to realise you have an obligation to take care of yourself is s major recovety moment. While this is s very hard time with Covid and the heat (i have a very hard time in the heat) this is indeed a major step un the right direction
Maresie
Sunny Frogs, I had a spare bedroom and that was my salvation! I decorated it to my taste, I moved into it with my computer and some of my clothes, and that gave me a sense of control and peace. I love your plan ... go for it, girl!!
SunnyFrogs - I actually LOL'd at your share!! I could just see the faces of your male family members... too funny! Especially the tampon line!!
Thanks for the smile today!
I say, GO FOR IT!!
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
My ExAH #1 did the same thing to me and I had NO car at the time because he had wrecked MINE...NOT his Toyota, but MY car....so I walked to the library or if at night, I would walk over the neighborhood.....Boy!!! in a crisis like this I can't imagine how hard it would be to "tune out" and detach.....and when I traded with this lady, bookkeeping/auditing her books for a very nice used vehicle that she said was just an "extra" cute car..very clean, and when I got it, I could DRIVE me to places and just park!!!! be quiet!!! oh yea, the peace that brought to me and I had wheels to take me farther from him....oh yea, I relate
I'm doing "some" better at just detaching and doing my own thing. The temperatures dropped significantly,which is great,but now days upon days of rain and being stuck inside still.
I'm realizing though that he just likes to have constant attention, period.He doesn't seem to care whether it's good or bad as long as he gets it. And I'm doing my best to avoid him and not get pulled into any drama. It's not working 100 percent yet but has improved.
I have this huge button on me that gets pushed time and time again. I'm trying to imagine duct tape over it so I can't feel it when he tries to push it.
When I was with the qualifier he was constantly bringing people over to.the house. One person was there for a whole year usung the driveway as his #garage#
I.do not know there is a way to escape the intrision. I lived with an alcoholic for 4 month this year. It wss bruisimg
I.still have to deal with him.albeit in a very limited fashion. They have a way of gettimg under your skin
I think it is essential to be in the non commital siggstion of the program the less you engage the hetter.
I certainly had a physical boundary with the ex roommate. I had my own room
Yet he would find ways to cross that boundary by being really loud (i have no.doubt that is on purpose)
Remember they have to have a narrative about what other peoole are #doing# to them. Not responding is the way to keep the dialigue low. However you are right there so yiu have a big target on you
I plotted for a long time to get the guy out the driveway. The odd thing is that when the qualifier lost the alartment the hanger's on all disappeared!!! There was no need for a plot because they certainly vanished when there was no one around to prey on
Practice practice practice practice not responding
Maresie
It is INDEED a start, SF!!! We have all been to that place where we move forward with one TINY step.
I think having a vision of your "SheShed" is a great focus... keep moving forward with your own space.
Also, I am from a very arid area of the country... so my favorite thing is to hear the patter or raindrops on my car roof. It is soothing to me. So a drive and park in the rain to get away would be perfect in that weather for me!! It's all in the POV, IMHO.
((((SF))))
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
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