The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for Monday, 7/27, asks the question: If alcoholism/addictions did not exist, would marriages and all other relationships be perfect? And of course the answer is no: sobriety does not end all problems. It is true that alcoholism does wreck marriages that might have otherwise been successful. But the purpose of alanon is to deal with the problems that alcoholism aggravated. So alanon can help us not only with our partner, but with others as well.
Part of the reminder says that if we want to learn how to fit with others easily and happily, alanon has something to offer. And it can be used for the rest of our life.
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Of course before program, I naively thought if my A got fixed, life would be fine. But the reading reminds me that with program, I am now fine much of the time, and I live with an untreated alcoholic who is drinking on and off. It took learning to fix myself, no matter what anyone else is doing, for me to find peace and happiness. And it is interesting to me that the majority of the people in my home group are ACOAs who no longer live with their qualifiers. Yet they still have problems and stress and issues to work out in all aspects of their lives. And I see them putting the tools to work, just like I do. Program is a guide to life with tools that help no matter what comes along.
Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. I too had hoped for a solution to the disease and the wreckage it caused my home/family as well as 'happily ever after' when the substances were removed. Needless to say, that 'hope' I had wasn't genuine or authentic hope but rather a wish/dream. What recovery has instead given me is the priceless gift of serenity and personal authenticity! As I learned to focus on me, and my own program/life, I did find a healthy way to detach from others and the disease often. I'd love to say 'always' - not reality and and truly not my goal either....I thoroughly am thrilled with progress today (another change in me) over perfection.
In my circle of recovery, I also have many who are no longer living with active disease. And, yet, they still are challenged each day by 'life on life's terms'. When I got honest in recovery, I came to understand that the disease and what it brings is just a symptom of necessary change within me. I am not 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'less than' -- I am just a perfectly imperfect person, designed to be flawed and a continued work in progress! I do believe today and am at peace today with knowing I am exactly who I am to be and where I am to be, just for today.
I'm grateful for my recovery, the many tools to use when needed and the growth/progress Al-Anon has presented. One Day at a Time, I am way better able to handle what happens and be part of the solution vs. part of the problem.
Happy Monday MIP - we've got cooler temperatures (YAY!) and much needed gentle rain. I've got the windows open and am enjoying the lovely smell that rain brings! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Both you and Iamhere offer up your ESH freely. Wonderful nuggets, free for the taking! I am grateful for your collective knowledge!
I wish I could say some wise words with this topic. But my reality is that my marriage was ruined by addiction. The man I loved, was ruined - nay, let's just say changed - by addiction. What I found out with Al-Anon, was that I ALONE, WAS UNABLE TO ACCEPT HIM WITH ADDICTION IN HIS LIFE. I searched my soul and understood and ACCEPTED I did not want to live with addictive behaviors. I DESERVED more, and it was "OK" to demand more from my partner.
I know my marriage wasn't "perfect." What is, right? But once, we had shared goals, discussions on how we both could work towards those goals... all with shared respect. I was happy and felt validated and loved in my marriage. Addiction burned all that to the ground. And I burned everything else about me to the ground trying to get "Us" back to what I started with. Trying to control a disease. Simply madness.
Al-anon (both online and F2F) has helped me to accept all of me... to show myself I can make it on my own (stronger than I thought), and that I can choose to respond to others in a healthier way. I use it in every aspect of my life today!
The weekend passed all too quickly for me this time... I feel like I need more weekend! Hope everyone's Monday is special (in a good way!).
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I.find it trenendously difficult to be around alcoholism. The fall out is enormous
Currently one of my obsessions is how and when I cam end the relatuonship with the firmer roommate in a very dramatic fashion. Macbeth has nothimg on me and thr drama that I crave
I.am deeoly angry at him for his behavior during my tine staying witb him.
Cuirently .my.dog is still staying at his house gecause the building I live in is a constuiction zone which is often out.of control.
The drilling and.noise is unbelievable atb times.
I realise there is much to work tjrough on this. I have distanced myself significsntly from him. I.have fantasies of when I.oull the plug on him notbthat he.night notice.that on any oevel. The truth is he will not because he is immersed in denial and always has been.
Then the other tuith is that I was counting on him ad someone I coukd go to. Now it is clear that he is oost in anither hemisphere. Of course ky countimg on soneone completely incapable is a patterrn that is deeply ingrained.
Nevertheless I stay in this place of anger. I know I will get through it. The other irony of course is ny dog is very happy at his house. He loves havjng a back yard and needless to say he also loves my friend.
I guess I.am incredibly angry about how disruotive this rennovation is on a daily basis. It has been a whole year of this chaos. No one signs up to live in a construction site.
I was ill prepared for how much it would dusruot my life. So rather than focus in that I want to focus on how much the alcoholuc let me down. That is a tjred abd trur pattern for me one I am very comfortable with. After all its #its all your fault# is a good fall back routine
The other irony is of course ny apartnent is far more comfortable even when being in a construction zone than my forner roommates house. His place has descended to another level entirely
One day a week I work close by to his house. I walk right by it. The place is such a nightmare I cannot even fathom going to it even when he is there to visit my dog.
In addition in his alcoholism he is also a nightmare and on the weekends he is drunk.from early on. I can deal with him in a cursory basus but it is a real trial. Right now I.am.not uo to.it.
Alcoholism is certainly progrwssive or maybe I was in considerabke denial beore. His house was literally not at tbe poit of geung condemned before
I.have to work through all that anger and.my.own helolessness. I ambso thrilled for one of my.neighbirs who has moved out. She will not be dealing with the nughtmare of moving in and moving out.
Neither will she be dealing with the issue of living in a construction zone for months on end. I am really hapoy for her abd her daughter that she escaped . My fruend had ger own very traimatic experiences dealing with the management in the past
I am working through my anger which is at so many different kevels. My forner roommate friend has no idea I am even upset because of course there us no point in talking to him because he is completly consumed with his alcoholusm.
I.have many options and many plan b's but right niw I have to live where I am and live withthose feeings if betrayal, rage and felimgs of mistreatment. Of course my friend is nistreatimg himself with his house falling down around him.
In so many ways my life is better than ever.
I am able to navigate going from one jiob to the ext. I am able to have some relationships where I can be exactly where I.sm (that was not possible before)
I live comfortably. I can cut back when I feel i am working too much (from next werk). I am light years away from where I was when I.canr to this board. Neverthless I am livid with this alcoholic abd I want gimto know it. Of course since he is an alcoholic he is #never# going to kniw anything
I have been here and done that so many tines wuth an lcoholiv. My younget sister and
many othrr persons in my life. Their alcoholusm is a personal betrayal for me because then they cannot fulfil this role assigned to them.
I have no.doubt my friends decision to have his house literally fall down around him (his ceilings are falling in) hurts him far more than it eve hurt me.
I will jusr have to keep sitting with and workug through this issie. I was very angry at my qualifier for years. Eventually I worked through it. I have no anger towards him now. Of course I have had no.contact with him either. I have no interest in having any communication.with him either.
Alcoholism brings up tremendous issies because it creates such chaos. I have no.doubt that this #rennovation# would have caused ne many issues even if I had stayed at the hotel which was one of the choices available to.me.. i wish i could have seen the disaster it would be earlier (on so many levels) and make better plans. Hindsight is not 20/20.
I have no doubt I will prigress through this snger and get to a place of oeace but right now I am not there. However I do know exactly where I am.
