Was in the city last week. At a hearing over child care and protection.

I had to flick back- and see if I was repeating myself- and I was just about to.  

Getting into the present moment has been really hard for me. I was so much caught up between the "if only's" and the what if's. And i had a really big dose of the "poor me's"

The gap between the simple farm life, and life in the city was a big reach for me. And our city was more like Rapid City than Denver!

My uncle and aunt took me in for three months- the summer vacation- where I worked in the laundry of one of NZ's notorious mental hospitals. These were a lovely intact family- who worshipped at the beautiful Maori church at Puketeraki.

But my cousins in the city itself- were street-walking, literally. And four of them had been boys.

Nothing at University could explain this to me- at the time. Today i can explain this to myself- more or less.

But I had to take account of my own pain, and loss, and grief, and rage... coming from my own background.

It was just so easy to align myself with the hurt and distress of other people. Something I was schooled with.

Something that came naturally- at the time.

Today i see the difference between compassion and empathy.

Compassion is good enough- but might be objective. And very easy to feel sick and sad from.

Alanon has taught me to show compassion to myself as well. To realise that unless I learned to care for myself I was neither use nor ornament to anyone else.

Spring is just around the corner here... 

...sitting on a Sunday afternoon... with four grandkids in the room with grandma.

Just all hooning around together... with dogs as well.

My family was not all rotten through. I was always able to sort out the wheat from the chaff.

There actually was a whole heap to sort out. It has taken many years of my life...

...but I see now that I needed this time. I was blessed with certain courage, and perseverance.

and in the meantime I did get some living done... 

I was one of those people who had a "white flash" at the beginning. But life was still going to be tough and gruelling.

Maybe I was impatient for change too- desperate, sometimes.

Of outdoor  to play baseball...  ...

...thanks.  ...