The material presented
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I haven't been here in a while, but making a commitment to get back to investing time on my program, and cutting from areas that really don't improve my life. I didn't post here too often, but did do the morning meetings almost every day as grace99. It's been about a year, a lot has happened, but I still should have found a way to make this a priority.
I am still with AH. We have had a lot of stress and pressure, and of course that is difficult for many A's. My AH doesn't have many coping skills, as most probably don't. He tends to have huge adult temper tantrums whenever things don't go as he expects. They typically are loud, sometimes go on for a while, and usually involve threats of consequences, if action A doesn't occur, then action B will be coming, type thing.
About 2 years ago, I was really working my program, focusing on me, and setting boundaries. I decided then that I wouldn't be able to continue to tolerate these tantrums. It wasn't a threat, or an effort to control his behavior, it was just not something I could continue to have in my life. He decided to stop with those types of tantrums. We had plenty of other problems, just not that.
So now here we are, tantrums have returned. Looking back at it, I think they just kinda slowly started reoccurring, maybe I didn't even notice that this was starting again. Last night he had a major tantrum. I went and sat outside. For the most part I think I handled myself well, although it wasn't a flawless execution of my plan. He was escalating, name calling, threats, it was a big one.
I do own my part in allowing this behavior to sneak back in. I haven't been working my program enough. I started falling back into my old patterns of trying to rush around to squash the problem before escalating, which is why it started in the first place. How easily we can forget.
I am not in as strong of a position as I was when I had set this boundary. I was in a position at that time that I could immediately make the changes to leave. I am not exactly sure how to set a boundary currently, other then that I will not rush to put out the fire, and will do whatever I can to put physical distance between him and I if a tantrum occurs.
Just hoping for some ESH here, if anyone has any similar experiences. Thanks.
Finding Grace!! what an appropriate sign on for the post!! I relate with what he is doing as I have recently amped up my monster mode myself. Inventorying it I agree that there is a lot more in my life that I am powerless over including the virus and not living back home any longer while a hurricane speeds toward my island and I have family (youngsters included) in the path. On top of that the old political situation that has been going on for 275 years. ARGGGGGH !!!
How does it go now? God grant me the serenity??
I hide my face and demeanor as best I can when the dam cracks and apologize as I can immediately and then after I lay low for a while. I won't enable him but we men do seem to have a different protocol for reacting to s t u f f that women, family, our wives have to try to handle one way or the other. My wife walks out of the way or can make a program remark (grrr) or ask me what is going on (conversing can work and has often). I am grateful for the anchor which is my program because it holds me within the steps, traditions, literature, slogans Higher Power and more.
Work your program for you and let him try to reach out. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Thanks Jerry. I appreciate the male perspective. I agree that step one is absolutely me, working my program, focusing on myself and cleaning up my own act! I do realize that men tend to express themselves differently than women, for sure, it just seems to be becoming his go to, again. Ugh. Obviously I can't control anyone but myself. Thank you for sharing how your spouse handles your occasional tantrums.
Hi there (((TT))) so good to "see" you! Hope all is going reasonably well for you! Yes, I certainly agree, all this togetherness is not easy at all. I struggle to get my much needed me time, I am the type that really needs it, and just short moments here n there do NOT work for me. I also don't really like disruption to my schedule, but this pandemic has disrupted everyone's schedule. Boy, I tell you, I don't think I've ever spent this much time sitting in my yard, just to get some space! He doesn't really require the alone time that I do, doesn't even understand it, so sometimes when I am outside trying to have my alone time, he will see me, and come to join me... Ugh. I really need to dig in and use all the online resources here, I am grateful to have it.
Add me to the list of folks who are glad that you've stopped back by! My best experience, strength and hope is what I heard when I got to recovery and what I return to at any point I am restless, irritable or discontent - focus on me and love others from a distance when necessary! I can say that countless days in recovery I've needed a reminder that I am powerless over this disease, other people, places and things.
As this pandemic continues, I've actually added a bit more to my morning dialogue with God - asking for more directed guidance for patience as ALL of us, including those I don't know but encounter, are experiencing a once-in-a-life-time pandemic, and it's new for all of us.
Keep stopping in - there's always hope and help in recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, enigmatic! So good to be back. I am so grateful for this group. I shouldn't have allowed anything to get in between me and my recovery, then somehow I am confused by the bad result. As if I was cured! Nope. The stinking thinking returned, of course. This place is everything to me, and I am glad that I have stopped allowing excuses to keep me away.
On another note, I keep trying to break my posts up into paragraphs, but obviously I am doing something wrong. How is this done? Second thing, for me the meetings in chat are so important, I remember before I had taken my extended break, that when I would go to the meeting, the room being empty, I think that is when I started down the road of excuses. Anyway I also found this today, at the morning meeting? Maybe it was just the day? I hope the morning meetings are still going on. Maybe I will try the afternoon one.
Hi there, IAM here! I wanted to let you know how truly inspirational I found your story, when I was new around here.
It really made me stop and think, as well as to realize I wasn't taking care of me, wasn't focused on me, but had chosen to be stuck in the loop I was on. For some reason I need to be reminded that I can put distance between myself and anyone, including my spouse.
Hello David G, thank you so much for the welcome, and helpful thoughts. I am going to try to attend tonight's mip meeting, hopefully the morning meetings will pick back up.
I agree that these threads have so much inspiration and in my case gentle reminders and corrections. I need it for sure, and am so grateful it is here, and this amazing group of wise people. I don't know what I thought I was doing, stepping away, I know better.
Your post brought up a lot for me and I had to.proces it. Many of us gave been in the position of dealing with tantrums
I recentky had a 4 month sojourn with a roommate alcoholic. I have known this man for over 2p years. I have stayed at his house many times. It is only in the last 5 years I have realized he is an alcoholic .
I know full well how it is to live with someone who.is tantruming. First of all there is no shame in being un thst position. Secondly we all really do have enough on our plate with the Covid-19 issue.
However for me personally there is no goiod time to be around an alcoholic who.tantrums.
Neveetheless the issue is what are the options to do sonething to protect yourself around the tantrums. I think not engaging requires great discipline and restraint.
Going into the bathroom and taking a shower might be one thing
I know for sure that self talk is essential. Therr is nothing wrong witb you learning how to negotiate these consitions is really dofficult. There is no one solution but ine of the most essential is that you stop beatimg yourself up
Being niuturing to yourself is essential because of course the alcoholic needs to take center stage (in many.situations there are after all many kinds of alcoholics)
How can you be nuturing to yourself so you have strength and resilience. One way is to carve out time for yourself to be the strongesr you can be. That is to take both physical and nebtal care of yourself
What would that entail? For ne thst is an incredibje challenge. I can and still do find many diversions from that challenge
I hope you will kerp us updated regularly.
Maresie
Hi Maresie, thank you for your reply. Yes, dealing with the tantrums is very draining and difficult. It does require so much self discipline, and restraint, unfortunately, I need to work on strengthening mine. This particular tantrum lasted about 3 hrs. I immediately got a chair and went outside. That part I did well, but I was upset, and honestly just basically " faking it till I make it" plan, better then reacting, but not holding my serenity.
I was so upset for several days after this, that I knew I would have a very difficult time interacting with him without anger or resentment, so I went with the most minimal contact possible. That was very helpful for me.
I can handle many things that maybe I wouldn't prefer, but the tantrums really get to me. He apologized (in his way) and things have been relatively peaceful. I did try to speak to him about something tonight, and that didn't go well, no tantrum, but he got very angry immediately. Now I have decided that he must be feeling a lot of pressure or something and I
Think for now, I probably need to just keep things as light and simple as possible and reasonable.
Walking on eggshells is incredibly.difficult. i have had one.or two.people lash oyt at.me. i took that a lot.before. Now I.feel that is so unnecessary. There are some people like sone of my.neighbors who I simoly.do not.need to deal with
Therrle are other peopke of course who I do need to deal with. My.landlird beibg ine of them. Today they simoly.shut off the water with no notice at all.
That is simoly not polite.
In order for me to deal with these isdies I have to maje respite for myself. I am cutting back the hours I work. I am also working on carving out time where I have less streess.
Living with an avtivr alcoholic is so stressful. Durjmg the 4 minths I lived withbthe alcoholic roommate I gave mysekf no reslite. Ny stress kevel was intomerabke. Eventually I got sick
I have some idea about hiw mich I can have on my plate. Of course these times are very stressful just have to watch how mich I take on .
I had absolutely no limits before. Now I have a lot of clarity aboyt wgat I can manage. And wgat is kff the charts.
Maresie
Last night he had a major tantrum. I went and sat outside. For the most part I think I handled myself well
I think you handled the situation perfectly. My exAbf would de-escalate if I walked out of the room or left the house. No one deserves to be subjected to a tantrum. Walking away is taking back your power. And it is a big step towards detachment! Al-anons pamphlet on detachment was my raft when I was drowning in my codependency.
Living with an unpredictable alcoholic and tiptoeing around them on eggshells is exhausting. Do you write in a journal? It is great (free) therapy.
Yes walking on egg shells is a lot. I generally try to remember to focus on myself most of the time, honestly, I know I usually won't really get anywhere with him, because he is very difficult to communicate with on the best day. I can deal with most things, with the exception of the tantrums. It's just too chaotic, dramatic, and in my opinion, very manipulative.
Maresie, sorry about the water getting cut off without appropriate notice, how frustrating! I agree about respite. I start to feel like I am in a pressure cooker if I don't have my time to myself.
TT, welcome to the outdoors! What I love about this program is that I find that it helps me to deal with all the difficult people in my life, A's and otherwise. I have this tendency to feel somewhat responsible for other people's feelings. It doesn't serve me well. Now I give myself permission to back away from situations that cause me stress whenever possible. I like that at least the house will be tidy when you return!
Hi sad dog mommy! Thank you for your reply. I have journaled in the past. I was thinking that I might need to start doing that again. I got caught up in life, basically, thought I would be able to stay with my program magically, without putting in the time or effort. Needless to say, that didn't work out as well as I imagined. I started slowly going back to my old ways of dealing with things, which is mostly just running around trying to put out fires, and just like before, it all ended up with constant tantrums, me a complete mess again, and depressed. That was my fault, of course. It took this last huge tantrum for me to realize what I needed to do.
Its a bit more than the water being tirned off. Living in s constriction.zone is more thann disconcerting.
I.am also currentky havimg to.work more because I got s bill. That is a very large bill.
Normally.curcumstances kike this aluld lut me inder the table. Instead i.am working to.turn this around. That is very new for me.
I am glad I have al anon
Maresie
Sorry about the difficulties you are trying to navigate.
It is hard, things are so uncertain right now in general with the economy, jobs, ECT. with the pandemic, and no end in sight. I feel more concerned as the days go on, and I hear of more people being laid off, and more signs of a declining economy. I am by nature a worrier. I am trying to work on this, because I know it doesn't actually change or help anything. I am sure that you are feeling stress and pressure, and am also glad that you have this program.
I am grateful that at this point our job situations are still ok.
I have plenty of other things going on that I am worrying about. Some are just going to play out, how ever they play out. A couple are decisions that I have to make, and figure out the best way to do that for me. I am also so happy to have my program, and everyone here.
I feel like I am in need of some regular meetings. It seems that the morning meetings here aren't happening regularly, and I often miss the afternoon ones. I saw another member here mention online meetings via scype or FaceTime or something.. I might look into that, but I just use my phone for everything, so idk if that would work or not.
Thanks for being here Maresie, I appreciate you and everyone. (((Hugs)))
Well I certainly had my hands full living with a roommate who.was alcoholic for 4 months. I live alone now and for once I.am happy to.do that
I have work these days but it is a big uohill road for me. I got to a point where I was so depressed when I lived with the qualifier I could bearly work
These days of course saving money is an idea. I did manage to save some and now this bill came along rather unexpectedly . When I left the qualifier I was mired in debt. It took.me years to come out of that one. I will no longer even entertain that issue.
I tend not to engage that much anymore with people who.trigger me. One of ny colleagues was saying that on the weekend. The test really is how we negotiate this incredible stress. I am now willing to build a skill set to do that
In general alcoholics dont do stress very well. I came pretty much unglued having to.move this year. Everything that could go wrong went south. I have no.doubt I.was not that pleasant to be around. My former roommate makes a meal out of being obnoxious on a daily basis. He makes certain to spread it all around him.
I.have given up.all pretense of being nice thede days. Being nice was a huge oart of ny identity before. My beighbor,who is always three sheets to the wind m. down the hall is also routinely obnoxious. I have stopped just talking to him. There is no right response with an alcoholic. I have nothing left to say to certain oeople.
When I was in the elevator heaving boxes around he was trying to.engage with me.
I was tired, fed up and trying to get things done. I.think.that is pretty much it with alcoholics they miss all the social cues. They are living on another level. I cant reach within myself to imagine what that level is anymore.
Getting to.the point where I do not engage did not come easy. I am now at a place where my physical energy is important. I had no such concerns before. I just burned myself into the ground
I know it was tremendously difficult to get to a place of zero expectations. I felt that was not something I.could do for a long time
Even getting to that place with the former roommate has heen terribly difficult. The longer the relationship the harder it is to change the lamposts. At some point I g li t willing to do that
Focusing on myself is one of the hardest things i have had to do. My identity was based around what I did for others and my relationship with others. Of course growing up in a violent abusive childhood is not something you simoly grow out of.
I had my fill of walking on eggshells this year. I am looking forward to a time when it is not such a constant companion.how to negotiate that path. I want to take the road less travelled in 2021.
Maresie
Well, it's been a busy couple of weeks for me, so unfortunately I didn't do a great job of coming in here. I know better. I had some extra stuff I needed to do for work, hours have been crazy, and operating on limited sleep. None of this is good. I have been trying to just keep things moving along as peacefully as possible.
I tend to always want to look for potential fires to put out before they ever get out of hand, and if a big drama fire starts, to put it out as quickly as possible. This is not the right solution, I know this, in fact it tends to make things worse in the long run. I realize that I put out a certain energy when I do this, and ultimately it just leads to me being so stressed, frustrated, and basically walking on egg shells.
I don't know exactly why I always tend to move towards this. I know that when a situation is going to impact my son, I jump into this mode immediately. Tonight I realized that AH probably knows this too. He realizes that if it is just some fit towards me, something I have done etc., I am much better at just walking away.
AH went to get something that he thought he had plenty of. He works a lot, so I understand how time can get away from him and days can blur together. Unfortunately, he went to immediately having a fit, not one of his monster fits, but still a fit. He starts making accusations. I tried to calmly inform him that I didn't use it, nor would I ever. Then he starts accusations towards our son. This was ludicrous. I calmly told him our son has no interest or use, and that he is the only one that uses this product. I guess he realized this was true, THEN he decides that son removed the item from the fridge, it spoiled, and got thrown away. *Sigh* I guess after further consideration it was both my son and I that caused this problem. Ugh.
Of course this is nonsense. I know that it generally isn't possible to have a conversation with him when this type of thing occurs. Do you think I let that stop me? Nope. So I have now went to the bedroom and have shut the door. It's time for me to go to sleep. I am just frustrated with myself. I walked into that, and I KNOW better!
Maresie, boy do I hear you! I appreciate you sharing with me, it really does help. I am still trying to learn not to engage with those that trigger me! Unfortunately, it's still a work in progress for me. My AH sees that generally I am focusing on me, so he asked me just tonight, when I was going to be plugging back in. Ugh. I don't plan to plug back into nonsense. Obviously, I need to do more reading, remember more slogans and walk away immediately when I feel triggered. The good news is that I am making progress! Thank you for being here, it helps me so much!
