The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading talks about Courage. The author talks about after years and years of letting people take advantage of them, they had come to Al-Anon with quite a store of anger, resentment and guilt. So many times they wanted to "bite off their tongue" for saying "Yes," when what they really wanted was to say, "No." They had to delve into the layers of why they continued to deny their feelings to gain someone's approval. In doing so, what they found out was that they lacked Courage. In the Serenity Prayer, they learned that courage is granted by your Higher Power... no questions, no strings attached. So they started there. Then they realized they had to do the "leg-work." Were they WILLING to say "No," when they meant no? Were they willing to accept that not everyone will be thrilled with this change? Were they ready to face the "real person" behind the people-pleasing image? Fed up with being a doormat, they "squared up their shoulders and answered, 'Yes.'"
Today's Reminder
"It is not always appropriate to reveal my every thought, especially when dealing with an active alcoholic. But do I make a conscious choice about what I say? And when it is appropriate, do I say what I mean, and mean what I say? If not, why not? All I have to offer anyone is my own experience of the truth."
Quote of the Day:
"There is a price that is too great to pay for peace...One cannot pay the price of self-respect." Woodrow Wilson
Today was a great reading for me personally. I am a people-pleaser. I will bend over backwards to make things right FOR YOU. I never realized honestly, that nurturing that side of my personality was detrimental TO ME. It is a real challenge to balance the kind side of this trait with the detrimental side of this trait. Al-Anon has helped me do this, I think. Al-Anon has also helped me to realize I DID have the Courage to do the things I needed to do to get and stay healthy. I like the feeling that all I need is to invoke the Serenity Prayer, and Courage is there for me... I just need to reach out and grab it!
No real plans for the weekend... keeping my mask on, and my head low for now! My car is in dire need of a bath, and I am in dire need to feel the soil under my feet! July and August are the worst months in a CA garden... the heat and dryness is such a stress on the plants... my goal is to water and keep the sun from scorching them! I also finally received my pump for my little fountain, so I will install that... the birds love the running water! It is a true joy to me to watch the tiny hummingbirds come down and play in that fountain!
Find your JOY this weekend and share it here!
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__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PNP, thank you for sharing this reading, and for your service.
People-pleaser ... I have never really liked that term, although it describes the "old me", before program, to a T. Recently I heard something amazing from a member in a meeting. He shared that he had been "addicted to approval." OMG, that turned on a light for me!
Addicted to approval. Approval felt so good when I got it. And I got a fair amount of it growing up, so I was used to it -- from school, from family -- I was the "good, easy-to-raise" child in contrast to my brother, and I knew it. Teachers loved me (at least I thought they did). Approval feels so good. I didn't have any idea how to handle not getting approval, so I continued always seeking it out. That worked really well in school and employment, but it did not work so well in personal relationships. I had no idea what I'd do if someone didn't approve of me, so I would do whatever it took to keep that approval flowing, even if it was not in my best interest. I was not self-sufficient based on my own voluntary contributions -- I was reliant on outside contributions of approval.
Happy Saturday MIP family! Thank you PnP for the daily and your service. Thank you and Freetime for your shares and ESH. Boy....BR (Before Recovery), I was a big 'over-sharer' - telling anyone who looked a little interested all that was wrong with my life. Of course, that story telling threw my A(s) under the bus over and over again and throwing blame/shame was constant. I was not doing this as a way to be malicious or mean, but it was an unhealthy pattern of trying to vent/dump.
What recovery has shown me is that it takes great courage to live my own life, honor boundaries of all others, keep my side of the street picked up and face what comes as it comes. I do not need to fear the past or the future any longer and I certainly don't need to project what may happen - my life truly brings me opportunities each day to work this program, learn and grow as a fellow human and practice courage and grace in the face of uncertainty.
I truly thought that I was unstoppable and full of courage during my failed attempt to fight this disease for those I love. While I made every effort to beat the disease back, I know now that it's unstoppable without belief and trust in a power greater than myself. Today, I believe it is much more courageous to trust in what is, trust in what will be and stay out of the way of the disease and how others face/battle it.
We still have incredibly hot weather here. I was out yesterday for golf in the AM and then from 2-9pm doing some volunteering....it zapped me - went to bed early and felt the affects still this morning. Gallons of water and still could not keep up with the unbearable heat! Today, off to golf and then a lovely afternoon nap. Hoping for a break in this heat after tomorrow - we shall see.
Love and light all - have a lovely weekend and find & keep your joy!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((((((((((((PnP))))))))))))))))))) thanks for you share and your service
I was forced to be a people pleaser so it turned me into a ME pleaser...Yea, I was wanting it to be ME ME ME now its more like "ME TOO" in that yea, I will help another help themselves , but not at the expense of me...it took me a while to level out and not be so self centered..it was like when I ran away and got free, it was all about me and my needs/wants and no care for the others....i went the other extreme UNLESS I was in a romantic relationship, then the water got muddy...I would over extend myself only to feel the resentment and then i would get passive aggressive because i did not know how to set boundaries or take care of me.....so yea, program was a true blessing for me....I say what I mean, mean what I say and try to be humane about it....
and I can say "NO" and it can be a one word sentence if appropriate for me....I have to watch the JADE thingy, but getting way better then in the old days....I check my motives,...pause, pray, breath...and do alot better standing up for me and no JADE...like that "i quit " letter to boss...the first one showed my justifying and explaining...thats why I showed it all to you all because I think I sensed that I could do better and with all of you ESH'ing me, I did...I sent off the email, short and sweet and took care of me in a positive and nice way.....
thanks HP for this great program and all of you in it
TT, I hear your question about saying No at work. That can be tough.
Something I have read, and I must confess I never actually did this myself but it sounds helpful, is -- when given tasks that are more than you can handle with the current workload, to ask about priorities. For example, "Sure, I can do X, but I'll have to delay working on Y until next week. Is that how you'd like me to handle it?" This reminds me of the "How Important Is It" slogan in Al-Anon. If you try this, please let me know how it works!
I remember one time, I had talked with my supervisor about the overwhelming amount of stuff I had to do, and how I was proposing to handle it. About a week later, she informed me that she was hiring an additional person to take on some of the work. I was SHOCKED and HURT!! Didn't she think I could handle it all myself? Well, I had all but told her I was having trouble handling it. So I guess I couldn't be in total control and accept help at the same time When I expressed my dismay, she explained that I was going to be supervising and training this other person, and so it was a step up for me, as well as being able to hand off some of the work. It actually worked out quite well, even though my way of asking for help was not very skillful.
Thanks for your service PNP and all these great shares above!! Many words mean something to me from before recovery, like needing approval, being taken advantage of, fear of rejection, etc. But since recovery I have learned about courage, self-esteem, and self-respect. One of the true gifts of this program is that I am overcoming a lifetime of being abused, and gaining the courage to protect myself. The more I practice this, the easier it becomes. The relationship that would be the biggest and most painful loss to me, is that of my son. And just this past week I let him know something virus related that has been bothering me. It was handled in a mature and non-damaging way between us. So even though Im learning life skills now, that I should have been taught years ago, all I can say is better late than never!
Hey Freetime, I think you handled that GREAT!!! offering to do the job, but being realistic and honest in that you can do "Y" now, and do "X" next week if thats OK..I liked your response....and yea, the "how important is it" comes to mind to me too....
I have more boundaries now but life is still hard. These are very challenging times
In addition the more I work through stuff the more insight I have
At this time I certainly have to deal w ij th alcoholics. However what has changed us what I.want from them. Now I.exoect nothing. Getting to that point took a lot of detaching.
I have to work super hard on the boundary issue. There is s certain amount of grief there in the issue of letting go of what I want from.someone
There is also for me a certain amount of ketting go of this year. I.had plans for what I.wanted to do this yesr. Covid snd having to move got in the way of that.
Of course my.choosing to move in with an akcoholic when I.moved out of the aoartment caused ne tremendous hadship
Living with an alcoholic under any.circumstances is hard. Living with an alcoholic under covid is really really diffcult
That is even with al anon. I have to.work in making better choices. Right now I am trying to get to a point where I.can breathe.
Boundaries are critical for dealing with any alcoholic. You.have to start where you ae. Being accepting of where you are is extremely difficult. Acceptance is not an easy place to get to.
Maresie
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When I expressed my dismay, she explained that I was going to be supervising and training this other person, and so it was a step up for me, as well as being able to hand off some of the work. It actually worked out quite well, even though my way of asking for help was not very skillful.
