The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am posting very early for Friday -- I have a busy couple of days coming up.
Today's page in One Day At A Time in Al-Anon reminds us how it feels to be a newcomer, and how we can best support newcomers. The newcomer usually feels alone in a hostile world, drowning in a sea of troubles. We need to guard against swamping the newcomer with advice. All the newcomer can absorb is our warm welcome and words of hope and reassurance. Someone should be willing to listen to a vent of troubles, if the newcomer wants to share that after a meeting.
Today's Reminder: Each of us should take thought for the newcomer. Her coming to Al-Anon can enrich our lives, as well as helping her. ... It also helps us to realize how much insight we have gained since we were beginners in the fellowship.
"I pray to be guided in my efforts to help a newcomer. Let me be selective in my sharing of experience, strength and hope, to make sure his or her needs are met."
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This is very pertinent for me. I have so much empathy for newcomers that I just want to ... well, grab them and put my arms around them and tell them everything I have learned in Al-Anon, and that they should get some literature, they should get a sponsor, they should use the slogans, they should listen to Al-Anon speaker recordings, they should keep coming back, they will learn to detach from their alcoholic loved one, they should go to six different meetings ... I don't actually do all that, but it's really tempting.
Even in general life, if someone mentions alcoholism, it's tempting to go into my lecture of everything I have learned -- it's a disease, they can't control it on their own, it's not personal, we can't control them, etc., etc. I resist the temptation.
In my service role in my district, I occasionally receive an email from a desperate newcomer. This is my absolute favorite part of service. However, the boundaries of my role are that I should only give them information on how and where to attend meetings. It's so tempting to say more than that, but I've realized that is not wise. If they can get to a meeting, the other members will take it from there. I don't have to give the newcomer the whole program all by myself!
I will always remember my first Al-Anon meeting. I came because, as this page says, I was drowning. There was no way I could swallow any more. All I could do was climb into the lifeboat. I do not remember the meeting topic, the pages they read, the members' shares -- all I remember is that I was so warmly welcomed, people were so glad I was there, and I got a list of phone numbers, which I still keep as a reminder that I was not alone, and I am still not alone. Oh, and I do remember that whenever someone introduced themselves by name, the whole group said "Hi, [name]." I thought it was a weird but nice custom.
This is such a great reminder to give newcomers only what THEY need -- not what I need to give -- and to Keep It Simple..
Thank you Freetime for the daily and the ESH/Share. I too have a busy few days coming up so am grateful you posted early. I vividly recall my first meeting and how insanely uncomfortable I was in my own skin. I truly tried to listen yet struggled to do so as all my worldly issues were floating freely and fleeting in my mind. Of course, I was a bit disappointed (angry as he!!) that nobody had the answers I came for - how to make the drinkers in my family STOP!
I left more angry and returned home for more efforts to control, manage, mother, etc. those I love with this disease. It did not go well and I returned. I was full of despair and truly beaten down by the disease. I actually heard a few things and even held tight to them. Others were beyond gracious and patient to me - they truly were gentle, calm, hopeful and willing to sit with me and listen to me.
I have always admired and respected greatly how gentle the Al-Anon program is. Had I appeared in the state I was in and someone began barking orders at me, I would not have stayed/returned. I had 'that' at home and felt disrespected, unheard, unloved and incompetent most days. I do believe the God of my understanding led me to a group that fully embraces the Al-Anon way and that Al-Anon was spoken there always.
My sponsor taught me to practice listening to the newcomer. Offer to buy literature if they need it, tell them I hear you and give them my phone number. Simple and done. If they want more, ESH only. If they call, ESH only. I've been raised to avoid any advice unless it's slogans - Keep It Simple, First Things First, etc. It is unhealthy for me to assume I know best for anyone else and a big part of how I get sideways and insane to begin with.
Love and light to all - hope all things go well Freetime. Enjoy your busy days!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for the welcome. I was blessed to have had a wonderful sponsor who is no longer with us. He was a former alcoholic before he came to alanon and so he gave me very sage and total alanon approved information, challenged me and encouraged me. Most of all we loved each other better than siblings, because we were siblings in the fight to live a better life than what we had learned in our childhood. Alanon is a powerful program. I'm thankful that there are service workers to be able to "guide the ship". If you see me going off course, please reel me back in gently. ha ha God bless you
Great page...Thank you for your service Free, and both above for your ESH. Many points I read that resonate deeply.
After some time in the program, it is quite possible for me to forget how many, many changes in attitude and perspective the program has helped me with, and how drastically different I feel today compared to day 0. I, too, want the new one to feel the hope, relief, and serenity AlAnon has shown me, but I must remember that each must make the decision to seek out their own path.
So grateful for the program
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you Freetime for the Daily. I so appreciate your service here!!
When I first came to Al-Anon (in the F2F rooms), I had lost all hope. Hope for my spouse, and hope for me! I too, don't remember much about the meetings. But I do remember going to quite a few (more than the recommended 6) before I settled on one I resonated with. I constantly felt like that circus performer with 20 plates all spinning in the air!! The meetings were a place I could put all the plates down... even if it was only for an hour.
I continue to come here b/c I get what I need. I am grateful for all who share their ESH - although it is true that I prefer straightforward presentation ( I don't like people to sugar-coat things), I have grown enough to understand that everyone has their own journey... no one way is THE way for each person. It is up to them to find what works for them, and it is not my place to shame them for the way they work their program. Besides, I have learned to have patience... to Practice the Pause... in doing so, I have found that I have learned something from someone I am ordinarily diametrically opposed to! I have come to the understanding that it is my HP's way of expanding my horizons!
It is "June Gloom" here today. But I am not complaining b/c the alternative is usually triple digits! LOL! I hope all here on the MIP forum will enjoy their Friday and weekend! Please stay safe, & bolster your immune systems in whatever way works for you!
&
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Friday 24th of July 2020 09:32:53 AM
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I was always aware that -no cross-talk- was a guideline. To be applied at the right place and time. That us during group sharing time.
I see it here a lot- where it is "take what you like and leave the rest". Where someone shares- and asks for input. And the rest of us trouble-shoot the topic. This does belong to the ODAT era. Before cross-talk was ever talked about.
For me- it is mainly about boundaries. I try not to be a dog that chases every passing car.
If the time zone of EST is in shadow I might briefly welcome a newcomer here.
I don't shy away from active drinking- but I mostly leave comments to people who are much closer to the action.
In a group like this nobody can see a face. But through words, they will hear a voice. And I believe the is it important for people to know and feel that the people around and about here are real people.
"Participation is the key to harmony."
Alanon, and being a member, is my business here. Other people's issues can be my business, sometimes. Especially when I relate.
Other times when I see person share- and get right through to the end without interruption. And do what I have done- found and created solutions for themselves.
I create space for this myself. I sense that I know how, and when, to do this.
I know that I have the right to be wrong, sometimes.
And I hope to to be the first person to learn from my own mistakes.
I especially like the visual of "I try not to be a dog that chases every passing car." It reminded me of my childhood... we had some neighbor friends who had a little dog who would always hide under their car and wait for a passing car. Then it would charge out and go all "gang-busters" after the moving vehicle! He even was hit once or twice, but still kept up that behavior! I always wondered about that dog... why it did what it did.
Now I can look back and recognize the obsession the dog had. He spent all day "hunting" his cars...the futility of never catching them... the peril to his body and life... all the sound and fury, but never the satisfaction of catching his "prey." His little doggie mind was completely detached while he was in that mode.
Interesting when I compare that description to myself when my mind is spinning. Hmmmm, food for thought! Thank you!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
One of the procedures of the program when I arrived was having "newcomer meetings" which were longer than the usual meetings by half and hour and then split in two with elders in one room and newbies in the other. I know now why. It was a more empathetic introduction with the newbies getting to practice procedure and it worked. Often when they had more experience to walk with they would attend other meetings and fit right in.
I was a profoundly egotistical newbie. I acted as if I knew it all and of course didn't. It took me much longer to "get it" and grow. I could feel the thumb print on the top of my head that I was raised with that evidenced the controls that were put on me because I wanted things my way.
Thanks for the long standing love of the fellowship I stayed and continue to listen and practice. ((((hugs))))
LOVELY post, Freetime...just beautiful.....I remember my first meeting...I was scared that my story was so bad, i would get rejected, treated like a freak...the exact opposite came true...I got hugs, welcomed, validation, I was so srry the meet broke up and I've never found one so great UNTIL I joined up with my wonderful church...the CR (Celebrate Recovery) meetings...for folks trying to sober up and stay sober, for abuse survivors like me....with the virus shutting us down, I was feeling like I had part of me amputated...Lord I miss my meets...Aug 5th the church leaders are having a meeting as to when we open back up, fac2fac....I want everyone to be safe, that has to come first, but I am praying that "this too shall pass" and we can all get back meeting and our life groups......my first meet when I joined the church was right b4 Christmas.....I knew I was home.....and yea, the newbies...You just want to hug them and in our meets, with some, I do, but I try to use restraint on "guidance" for them unless they ask.....
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