The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about fear and how it can impede our lives in so many ways. The writer describes how fear has led to trying to control everything, how it has led to not believing he/she is worthy of trusting relationships, and its led to avoiding connections with other people.
The idea that attempting to control everything is rooted in fear really resonated with me. Uncertainty and the unknown are all wrapped up with fear, and it has seemed that being in control (of everything) is the only answer! For me that turns into a spiral; I start to notice everything and anything that I cant control and it creates more anxiety than I started with. The best answer for this which has always helped me is to repeat the serenity prayer. Looking at which changes I can make, and which I have no control over, really helps me calm down and see situations for what they are. I also related to the avoidance of others; I can be introverted and the safety of staying to myself, in not taking risks in connecting with others, really comes from trying to avoid any rejection that might result!
I appreciate the first sentence of this pages last paragraph: Im beginning to recognize more occasions in which my choice to isolate hinders me from the opportunity to build healthy relationships.
I have recently come to realize that my self-isolation due to the coronavirus was not only essential, but also a way for me to have a false sense of CONTROL. I thought that if I did everything right, followed every protocol, and isolated myself from my friends, I would keep myself and my aging parents from contracting this virus. And to a certain point, it did and has... but how much have I missed out on?
Last night while texting my BFF, I found out I missed her BDay! In all my years that I have known her, I have never done this! This devastated me, and made me look at how unintentionally self-absorbed I have been. Yes, there is the virus and we are all isolating, following protocols, and my work is at half-staff. I am an "essential" worker, so I have not had a "3 month vacation." That is both a boon and a problem. I did not have to contend with Unemployment aid that took too long to come, but I am suffering the effects of stress and worry and fear - that is what I mean by "unintentionally self-absorbed." I am the only one that can do my particular job, so most days I barely get a lunch, let alone the required breaks. No vacation this year, no time off to attend to health appointments, etc. Every day is just so packed with the work I do, I can barely think of anything else! I have squashed down any thoughts along these lines, b/c to speak them would give them power, and I kept telling myself that I was lucky to still have my job! I have been living in this state of Fear... trying to control that which I have limited control over. I never really looked at it in this fashion until last night and today!!
Now that I have had this revelation, will I forego my protocols to remain safe? Heck no! But I am going to work on connecting more with my friends outside of texting/Zoom. Masks and distancing will be OK... b/c there really is just a "sense" of control with this virus...it isn't within my true control whether someone I love gets it, or doesn't get it. I have read so many stories now of people who were just like me... doing all the protocols, - heck going above the protocols - but still contracting the virus... hence, the "false sense of control." I am letting Life pass me by...I need to loosen my grip of Control...it's kind of ironic how I learned to Let Go in other areas of my life, but the Control issue was still there when it came to this virus... again, Fear based.
Tiredtonight - Thank you so much for your share!!! I have finally found a great response to awkward questions in your share!! "Why do you ask?" This puts all the awkward spotlight back on them!! I am such a people-pleaser, that I have always answered the awkward questions... gave more info than I was comfortable with... etc. I have always felt like I was a "bad person" for not answering their questions! Your share has helped me to see that I am "OK" and perfectly within my right to say I am not comfortable with answering your question.
Another 105 degree day. Thank my HP that I have a working air conditioner!!! Today I am going to reach out to each of my good friends and not only let them know how much they mean to me, but let them know that I am comfortable with a SD meet-up! I know for some of you this is a non-issue... but for me, it is HUGE! Today I will step away from the Fear that has been in control of my life for the last 4 months!
Thank you MIP for allowing me a space to share this, and to grow!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I am so late to this daily/shares but did want to thank Mary for her service and the daily and thank all for your shares/ESH. I have come to realize that before recovery, I was driven by 100+ forms of fear and it was exhausting, isolating, crazy-making and unhealthy. Fear is a reality in our world, lives, days, etc. - where I struggled was much like the shares - it controlled me.
I have always desired to have more 'balance' in my life. That 'addiction gene' in me is not limited to mind altering substances. I can get as obsessed over healthy activities as I can unhealthy activities so have often felt that balance was just not a reality for me. What I've come to accept is that balance isn't measured per day, per month, etc. -- it's an overall goal. If I roll with what makes sense for me, one day at a time, amazingly enough, I have much more balance than I ever did when I 'tried'.
I do miss face to face meetings, gatherings, etc. I do not miss it enough to go out and gather. While most of my friends are continuing to stay home as much as possible, wearing masks, keeping distant, etc. some are not able to because of work or family or other. So, we've made the collective decision to not gather again, even though we did once. With the way this is spreading, and the uncertainty exactly how, we feel it best to gather with technology instead.
My son has Covid symptoms and has been exposed at work. He's been sent home for 2 weeks and had a covid test today. We will know results soon. I am surprised that he made it to July before this happening, just based on how it spreads in larger working environments. I am just grateful I did not explain in detail all that I witnessed with my parents - that experience was enough to make me choose to isolate vs. take the risk. Our quote when we all want to gather is, what are we willing to risk to do it? None of us are willing to risk our lives. We are willing to wait, and I am grateful we're all aligned.
Love and light all - I was told my entire life that if I am worrying, I am not praying. It took me more than 40 years to find the reality in that - I am not open to my HP if my mind is full of worry, fear, etc. So - prayer works well for me when I begin to feel fear creeping in!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I will be praying that if your son has the coronavirus, that he has a mild case with no lasting damage to lungs or other organs!!
~~~~healing light ~ healing energy ~ good, healthy outcomes are my intent!~~~~
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((PnP))) - thanks! We're hoping to hear today. I have to chuckle @ myself....I'm trying to figure out how best to help as I can hear the fear in his voice. He's in an apartment with a friend so they should both be quarantining. I've opted to not ask or try to suggest - trying to stay on my side of the street. I would invite him back to quarantine in his old room here, but have concern about that as my AH is in the high-risk category. So - staying present is helping me realize ... I am powerless over Covid-19 too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
IAH, sorry to hear about your son. I do hope that he isn't too miserable no matter what it is he has! I've been lucky in that I have been allowed to work at home but who knows how long that will last. I like how the topic here was about stepping away from fear and giving up control.
With this whole covid thing, I have found that i have certain inclusions and exclusions I allow in my life; including certain people. LIke I'm not comfortable with large gatherings but I'll make a weekly grocery trip. I try not to be in fear of everyone around me but I swear it's hard when you see the look of fear in their eyes, as well. My BF and I try to stay balanced. He goes to a small gym but I quit my large box gym membership and choose to work out at home. Yet, I still go to the hair salon while he bought hair trimmers and we cut his hair at home. And, I think that's how everyone is. Trying to figure out a balance and what is comfortable to them. I'm sure every household in the world is having these conversations about where to compromise, taking their fear temperatures, and seeing where every person in the household and how much risk are they willing to absorb.
My concern is for my neighbors and those around me whom I could get sick. Yes, I cannot control whether I get covid the same as I really can't control whether I get a cold or the flu. But, I can my part and keep. my distance from others unless they inform me otherwise. I think it's a very interesting time we live in, for sure. Brings out the best and the worst in some people but it's a huge learning experience to learn to trust ourselves and our HP even more.
-- Edited by andromeda on Tuesday 14th of July 2020 12:39:25 PM
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
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thanks...