Hi Cath...   Expectations are a grey area for me too. it used to be a wasteland for me- because i had few boundaries. I did try hard to conform, though. Pretend, more often than not- that I "knew the ropes". 

I believe that it's OK to have expectations. Where I had issues is some of mine were unrealistic, and I made a general ASSumption that we all define love, respect, kindness, honesty, honor, etc. the exact same way. What reality has shown me is we do not! What I know now is that what I thought I knew about life, love, family, marriage, etc. was faulty in many ways, not intentionally.

I love finding information in our literature, and 'this' speaks to me from C2C:

An expectation is a premeditated resentment. Courage to Change Page 153

Any time I am in resentment, I am not taking care of myself. I am blaming someone else for something I need to do.

The higher the expectations, the lower the serenity. I try to keep my boundaries high, my expectations low, and my heart open.

I had this bookmarked (non-Al-Anon) from my early days:  http://www.familyrecoverysolutions.com/articles/in-the-world-of-recovery-are-expectations-loaded-with-expectations/

Lastly, here at MIP, there are several threads on this topic!  If you go to google, and search, you'll find them.  

For me, anytime I expect another person, place or thing to go 'my way', I am setting myself up for disappointment.  When I stay open and stay present, I can see that others honor me in their way, love me in their way, etc.  An example, my AH prefers to be grumpy and quiet most of the time.  I am more of a gabby extrovert.  For a long, long while, I felt cheated that we did not have deep heart-to-heart discussions about every/anything under the sun.

I expected him to be someone he is not.  When I got honest, how he communicates hasn't changed from when I met him.  He's grumpy and quiet most of the time because he lives with chronic back pain.  Having a few spells of back pain as I age, I 'get it' more than before I experienced it.  I no longer take his 'style' personal and know I am important to him more by his actions than his words (or lack of).

Staying present, focusing on me and keeping an open mind helps me greatly!  (((Hugs)))

 

((((Crmans))))

I will be brutally honest here. This was/is one area of Al-Anon that I just didn't "get." I just didn't believe that a marriage could exist without some form of expectations. It took me a very long time to understand that some expectations I had were unreasonable. That was all on me. For example: when SerenityRUS said, "Expecting rational behavior from an irrational person." I did that. Over and over. So I worked on figuring out if what I was expecting was unreasonable. This helped me quite a bit.

In terms of my marriage though... I got some good advice I will share with you... take what you like and discard the rest. "Marriage, when you take all the emotional stuff out of it, is just a contract between two people, with both written and unwritten expectations of behavior." When you look at it in a business sense (without all the sentimentality and social pressures), it is a lot easier to see where the expectations are rational and needed (valid), and where there is room for improvement. Sometimes, that means counseling with a 3rd party, and sometimes, that means dissolution of the contract."

So yeah, I am not one of those who subscribe to the belief that "One should not have ANY expectations."

I believe that when two people join their lives, they have the right to:
1) Have complete trust in that person
2) That person will "have your back."
3) Constant lying would be a non-issue (this goes to having the same belief systems)
4) That person will help promote security in your life
5) That you will both work together to uplift the other so that items 1-4 can happen

Are these expectations? Yes, yes they are.
Are they unreasonable? I don't believe so.
My 2 cents only.

&

The topic at my regular Saturday morning meeting this morning was...EXPECTATIONS.

It was amazing. So many great shares, insight, perspective, etc.

One woman shared that managing expectations is like managing the relationship with an alcoholic. Both can be OK, but need to be navigated, managed, and be able to exist without causing us to be unhealthy. Going to the hardware store for bread -- a slogan I lived for many years -- is unhealthy. I went to the hardware store for bread for 5 years. At my worse, I tried to convince the owner of the hardware store that he should sell bread!!! LOL. So, when I finally started making change and living a life of recovery...yes, I stopped going to the hardware store for bread...and when I went to the hardware store for a hammer, I remembered how I used to go there for bread. Progress, not perfection. I look to make progress every single day. I am grateful that so much of alanon for me today is innate. It's how I live, because it's who I am.

I had expectations that when my wife came back from rehab, she would live a life of recovery, not drink, go to meetings, work her program, etc. -- and not relapse! So it was OK for me to "hope" that, but to "expect" it was setting myself up for disappointment, and setting myself up for ending up in a bad head-space. When I immersed myself in acceptance, I was able to -- have acceptance that my wife was an alcoholic. What will be is what will be. And, while I hoped she would not relapse, when she did, I was able to accept it, I was able to not end up in a bad head-space. I wasn't angry. It was sad, but I wasn't sad. Maybe I was sad, felt sadness, but it didn't consume me...I didn't become a sad person. That's an amazing thing for me!

When I am looking at the other person, expressing what I think they should do, what the other person is, when I am diagnosing their problems, relating their problems to others, analyzing them, then I am focusing on them. That's not healthy for me. As this woman shared this morning, I heard her relating to how she managed her expectations of her husband. And then of her children. She said, how can you not have expectations of your children. You can, you are supposed to, it's natural...it's just how and where you place and manage those expectations, and the role they play in your life and whether or not they impact you in a negative way, have negative consequences, etc.

I have expectations of people -- employees for example -- and in running a business, I am supposed to have expectations. Perhaps they are expectations of a different type, but they are what thoughts, feelings, beliefs, hopes, goals, wants, and more, whatever you want to call it. I have expectations -- however, I feel less -- of family members, specifically my sister. I accept who she has become as a person. I accept she is not capable of being the person she once was. I accept the reality of the situation. Since I began my recovery, and where I am today, I have zero problems accepting "reality" -- vis a vis, denial is no longer an issue for me. The reality of a person or any situation is crystal clear for me. I get it, whatever it might be. Expectations don't change that. Hopes don't change that. Like I said, I might hope or have an expectation, but it having it doesn't negatively impact me. I might end up feeling sad, about something or someone, in a given situation...but I do not become a sad person. Snapshot in time vs. frame of mind/being!!!

I expect certain "things" of and from my sister -- and while each and every time she doesn't do, say, behave, etc. -- the way I hoped, expected, wanted, etc...I AM OK WITH THAT. I have acceptance...but I DO NOT ACCEPT UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.

Thank you very much everyone for your shares!!!

Crmans wrote:

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Thank you everyone!!!!!! I enjoy reading alll the ESH & I come back & reread many times. I do this on my phone & its not the best format, but its completely private. Everyone here is such an amazing support system. I know life is so busy for everyone & it means a lot that you spend your time to help lift me up. Im learning a lot & not feeling alone is amazing

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Crmans, first, I am so glad you are learning a lot, and more importantly, that you are not feeling alone. I've always felt that when I walked into an alanon meeting, it was a room full of people who knew exactly what and how I was feeling, and that they have seen what I had seen, heard what I had heard, and felt what I was feeling...and they have gone through it...and come out the other side so to speak.

Perhaps even more important than that...and speaking personally, for me...I benefit from you sharing! I learn from your shares, your perspective, and your experiences -- I see something, I hear something, I get to look at something from your perspective, it prompts me to think, to expand and broaden my thought process...I learn!!! Then I get to share, and I get to express my thoughts, my experience, my perspective, and whatever the topic or incident might be, I get to type out, express things in a new way, and I get to hear more things, more experiences, etc. I think many people here continue to learn from other people's sharing, and their motivation is to learn, to get better, to get healthy, to improve. Sure, there's always the one or three people who want to be right, make others out to be wrong, want to control, and so on. Heck, that's why they are here! LOL. Keep coming back! LOL. 

So, Crmans...thank you very much for your sharing and your contributions. Keep doing the work and keep it up. Little by slowly.