Lyne, thank you so very much for your share. Acceptance ebbs and flows, and much like our recovery, is not a destination...it is a journey.

Sometimes, it takes more work than other times. Sometimes that work can be a lot, it can be hard. Why is acceptance any different than our recovery, mental well-being, serenity, etc. -- in that we have it sometimes, and other times we don't, or we have good days, and other days aren't as good, or sometimes we get it and sometimes we don't, or we can be "in a zone" and at other times not be, or we can on our game or not, and so on and so on and so on.

For me, even when I got to the place of complete, total, and absolute acceptance...which becomes surrender...and becomes innate...there was still one thing, one dynamic, one disconnect, which confounded me...and numerous others as well. My wife was Ivy League educated, had two Master's, a member of Mensa, was CFO of a multi hundred-million dollar conglomerate, and was a brilliant woman. Got it. All of that...here is what was going on...like many others around her, she saw her health being damaged, she saw some pretty scary legal consequences, family consequences, and she saw some very scary and nasty things happen to her as a result of her drinking. She felt some very serious pain, some major ramifications, and some very unpleasant present and future, as a result of drinking.

However, with all of that...she was not interested in quitting drinking. She was not interested in stopping. She was not interested in preventing all of the things mentioned above that were going on...all of the help, resources, expertise, everything is the world was at her disposal, was available to her, and she was not at all interested. She was not even interested in looking at it. Not even a glance. When she did look at it, it was just a brief glance, and it was at a time when -- she had no choice, was forced into it, or had to do it to prevent some major consequence present at the time.

What was also tremendously perplexing and frustrating...was that whenever she did "take a shot" at quitting drinking, it was very brief, not serious, wasn't a priority, and so on. It's hard to explain. It was real, but it wasn't. It started with an era of good feeling, enthusiasm, and motivation...but it wasn't. Like I said, it's hard to explain.

So...with all of this being the case...when I finally got to my place of complete, total, and absolute acceptance...and in my experience, most people, even seasoned people, don't truly understand what that place looks and feels like...so when I finally got there...so many amazing things happened...and as it related to this issue...something else happened.

I got it. I finally got it. It finally became crystal clear to me and it was there, right in front of me, as clear as the back of my hand if I held it up in front of me. I got it!!!

My wife is an alcoholic...

Lyne, as I reflect on your share, what also resonates with me are the steps...the 12 steps of alanon.

For me, the steps, are a track, a curriculum for living, and for me, today they are innate. I don't have to "practice" per se as in making a conscious effort to live this way, I do live this way, innately, no different than breathing. While the alanon 12 steps -- "because of their proven power and worth" -- have been adopted from AA's Twelve Suggested Steps, and they are almost identical, except for one word; alanon is a different program than AA. The steps may be identical except for one word, but the orientation, our focus is on the alanon program. The content may be the same, except for one word, but the context is certainly different.

In alanon, we speak from our own experiences, which are derived from living with an alcoholic -- rather than being one -- and because of that there is a different experience, a different focus, a different mindset. As I've heard and read in the opening of many meetings I attend -- "A word to AA members who are new to Al-Anon. If you have a family problem, you have come to the right place and we welcome you. We speak from our own experiences which are derived living with an alcoholic rather than being one. It is a different experience which calls for a different interpretation of the 12 steps. We ask that you start out by listening to the suggested solutions based upon the Al-Anon approach to the family illness. We ask that members of other anonymous fellowships remain anonymous and focus on the Al-Anon program."

When I look at, live, lean on, and have these 12 steps guide me in my life -- I feel comfort in accepting those things which I find difficult to accept. My program -- MY RECOVERY -- comforts me, helps me, allows me, to accept things that are painful. There are things I will not understand...but because of alanon, the 12 steps, and my recovery...I can accept them.

I don't understand exactly -- the science, the mechanics, the aerodynamics, lift, thrust, etc. -- how a plane takes off and flies through the air. However, not understanding it is OK. I have never thought about it to the point where it becomes a problem...and I just get on the plane. LOL. While this may seem sophomoric or not sound, for me, it opens my mind.

For me, acceptance is ever-present. It's there. All the time. I have to get it, take it. I have to embrace it. I have to take it in and want it -- and do the work, in the moment -- to allow it "to be" present in me. When that happens, I have acceptance...completely, total, and absolute acceptance. Whatever "it" was that I was struggling with, or having trouble accepting, is no longer an obstacle or a hurdle. I no longer fight it. I no longer challenge it. I may not like "it" and whatever the reality of it is -- but that's OK. I can "not like" something, but I can certainly accept it. I don't carry that around, harbor any ill-will, anger, resentment, or anything of the like. That's acceptance too -- not liking something, and being able to accept it, and let it go.

I have always immersed myself in acceptance. When doing the steps in our step meetings, I always spend a great deal of time on acceptance. When working the steps with my sponsor, we always spend a great deal of time on acceptance. In my experience, so many of the ensuing steps, all of them, so much of the ensuing work we do, all of it to an extent...all of it comes back to acceptance. Acceptance is the foundation of the alanon program.

Thank you so very much again Lyne for your share. It was so beautiful, sincere, and genuine. Thank you!

I had to break the silence this afternoon after reading and re-reading this post and the responses.  I cannot remain silent after because it is filled with recovery awareness and solutions for me.  The other night my wife overcame the urge to be hurt and hurtful and asked me, "Can you hold me..."?  I thought about appropriate responses and came to, "yes I can" right with "Do I want to"?  and came up with another "yes" and so I did and during those few minutes I also felt that she and I were being held by another.  Patience for me at times is waiting when I have many solutions.   ((((hugs))))