Stephylou -- welcome. Your question is a very interesting one, both situationally, and also philosophically as it is thought-provoking. That said, how does that relate to you? You are "in it" and you are not sure what to do.

Very often, when we are faced with having a loved who has the disease of alcoholism/addiction, we face dilemas. What should we do? How much should we do? And much more. We are faced with decisions. However, even before coming into the rooms of alanon (conference approved, official alanon meetings), the overwhelming occurrence, or feeling is that -- we have a loved one who is in trouble, so we have to do something. We have to help. We have to leap into action and help. That's natural. It's human nature.

The question becomes how do we help. More often than not -- the helping we are doing is hurting. When newcomers/beginners come into the rooms of face to face alanon meetings, they soon learn that a great deal of what they had been doing is really not helping the alcoholic/addict, but actually hurting them, or enabling them, or contributing to the situation, or perpetuating the situation, etc. That being the case, that's a discussion for another time. However, as you expressed, you attended your first alanon meeting (via Zoom) -- and you learned that many people do in fact come to alanon with the hopes of learning how to cure the alcoholic in their life. This is very common. I know I did. You did as well. As you said, you started the day on a "fact finding mission" -- and in your words, to not just be the "very best supporter" but also "healer." It's natural to want to take her pain away. Anyone would want to do that for their mother. But then you find out, intellectually at a minimum, that you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it, nor can you fix, or save her. Couple that with the conflict of -- you not doing anything makes you feel bad, and it "feels like the deepest betrayal" as you call it. There is just one disconnect, one conflict, that so many of us struggle with. It is very common. Join the club! LOL.

Much of what we hear and learn in the early meetings we attend is counterintuitive, even opposite, of what we've been doing and thinking. However, the reason, in part is because it is counterintuitive. There is a different mindset, philosophy, belief system, approach, etc. In addition, from the core -- the first basic element of alanon -- alanon is NOT about curing or fixing the alcoholic. Thus, the disconnect is obvious and progressive. Simply put, you walk into a meeting to cure the alcoholic, they tell you that you can't, thus, anything they tell you is not what you really wanted to hear, and then couple that with what they tell you is opposite of what you've been thinking and doing. Not easy.

Is you moving in the solution? Well, it might eliminate the situation of having that guy in her house. However, she can still see him and maintain the romantic relationship. Also however, she is still drinking. On the other hand, it might be "safer" for her, at least initially. Is asking her to come live with you the solution? Well, again, it gets her away from him. OK, that's a good thing. But she will only move in with you if she wants to. In addition, now you have a dysfunctional person, an unhealthy person, an alcoholic, living with you! Whew, just thinking about that brings back memories for me and sent a chill down my spine.

There may not be a right answer here. And most important, doing nothing may not be the right answer either. I once had a therapist tell me, if your wife wants to commit suicide, there is nothing you can do about it. I didn't accept that. He was right. She tried to commit suicide anyway, and I couldn't stop it. I virtually spent 24/7 with her and she still did it. Your mother will commit suicide if she really wants to -- whether she is living in her house, with or without the guy, or your house.

With or without alanon, you will do what you feel you need to and have to do. And that's OK, it's more than OK. That is what's right for you.

So, what is the answer for you. Well, I will share with you my experience and what has worked for me. One, go to meetings, official, conference approved, alanon meetings. Yes, there are countless meetings today all over the world meeting via zoom (virtually, on the web). Go to as many and as often as you can. Share, listen, get it out there. Talk to people before and after the meeting. Often, people stick around in the zoom room after the meeting for fellowship, to chat, to further ask and answer questions. Two, get the two daily readers -- Courage To Change and One Day At A Time. Start reading them, every day. Three, find a sponsor, and start doing the work. Immerse yourself in the alanon program, embrace learning, embrace making change -- change in your thinking, actions, reactions, behaviors, etc. No, they are not going to teach you to "ignore" and "do nothing" in a cold and punitive way. But sometimes, in certain situations, doing nothing might be the right and healthiest thing to do, not just for YOU, but for the alcoholic as well. They of course won't see it that way, but that's OK. Unless you are doing exactly what the alcoholic wants you to do, they are going to be angry at you. I have often said, if the alcoholic is angry at you, then you are probably doing something right!

If you begin to focus on YOU, and start to learn what you need to do in order to get better, in order to get healthy, by default, you will be in a better position to "help" the alcoholic. However, that "help" -- today may not sound like help to you, and also will not necessarily be "help" in the eyes of the alcoholic.

Keep going to alanon zoom meetings. As often and as many as you can. Start working the program. You can and will get better. All the best.