The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been blessed with a gift by my higher power and I should be happy and apart of me is. However apart of me feels like I dont deserve it. Is this me feeding my need to constantly be the victim in order to stay where im at and not do the soul work. That hurts so much but the outcome is very much beautiful. For the first time in my 26 years of life I am alone. No kids and spouse. roof over my head and yet I feel sad. Are these all the feelings I have been trying to run from for years and they have finally caught up with me. I should see this as a beautiful opportunity to focus on myself. That God loves me. Why do I believe that people cant love me. Why am I so hellbent on the victim mode. When I am not. i am so much more.
When good things happen...Do I feel like I deserve it? Absolutely!!! Without question, skepticism, reserve, or concern.
I am blessed, and as a result, I am grateful, and thankful, every single day. It is a conscious, intentional thought and state of mind.
I have done over a quarter of a century of work, and continue to do so, on me, being, mindfulness, (modern) ontological concepts, learning, etc., and more. I was raised the right way, and I live my life the right way.
In and around this type of conversation -- the conversation you have with yourself about this, which brings you to a mindset, frame of mind, a belief system, and a "set of lenses" that you will carry around with you and look through -- there are two very distinct elements. One is perspective. You control it. You can shape it, mold it, and make it healthy, positive, based upon intellect, clarity, focus, reality, etc. The second is "being" -- who you are being, at your core. What makes "you" you. And that comes from the work you do, the commitment you make, and the desire you have. Your motives, your desire, what it is you want out of you, life, and how you live it.
Nobody goes on a diet on Monday, wakes up Tuesday, and they lost 30 lbs.
Feeling like you deserve it when something good happens...is the result, the byproduct, of the work you do on yourself. That work is not a destination...it is a journey.
All the best!
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
NOW I say "YES" to all my good that HP can give to me...I thank him for lifting me out of the "pit of despair" and into joy and stability in ALL areas of my life, even if some of my prayers are still "pending" I KNOW I deserve all the good life can give to me....I think I served out enough pain and suffering/hardship and I did it and never lost my morals nor my desire to do what is right and fair, to me and to others....so YES!!! and the more I say "YES" to my good, and give gratitude for it, the more good comes to me.....
Flower, I appreciate your question! For me, today, yes, I do feel I deserve the good things that are happening in my life every day -- and there are many. But I did not always feel this way.
In the past, when something good happened, I immediately thought -- OK, now, this means something bad is going to happen next. I was very good at projecting all the terrible things that could happen in the future. And I didn't value myself enough to believe I truly deserved a great life. I can't blame anyone for this -- I had a good childhood, many advantages -- but somehow I felt I wasn't good enough and that if people really knew me they would not like me. One of my biggest problems was that I did not like myself.
What Bo said has been true for me: "Feeling like you deserve it when something good happens...is the result, the byproduct, of the work you do on yourself." I didn't just one day decide to work on myself -- I had hit bottom and was in despair, so I was willing to do anything to get out of the pit I was in. I did it just one little bit at a time, and it all adds up. I did work on myself -- and I did not do that by myself. I have had many helpers. I opened up and reached out -- just like you are doing here. Friends, therapist, Al-Anon -- it has all helped. Al-Anon service has been a great way to build up my self-worth. I choose to think of the pain I experienced in the past as the dues I paid for the wonderful life I have today. When I start to feel guilty, I remind myself -- hey, you earned this!
So, what I can share is, I have felt that lack of joy, lack of self-worth -- but it did not last forever. It has changed. I have changed on the inside. One teeny, tiny step at a time.
(((flower))) - Good things and success in life and/or relationships and/or recovery felt awkward to me and I also projected another shoe would surely drop soon. My sponsor taught me to be grateful each day, even thanking God for the pain when I was miserable. I did this begrudgingly and thought it was silly/stupid/not true, yet it instilled in me a new habit in which I looked for the good in all things instead of just finding the bad.
This disease affects family and friends in many ways that aren't known until more is revealed. There is no shame in grieving the 'change' in home, status, etc. No matter who we are and where we've been, we rely on routines/structure/patterns and when those change, it's typically unnerving or different until we establish a new normal.
I am better today at feeling blessed, no matter what's happening. I do not believe my HP keeps score and rewards me for a 'job well done in life or recovery'. I believe that each day is pre-designed, and I am a success when I make it to my pillow and am grateful for all that I have instead of consumed with what I have not or what wen't 'wrong'. I believe, embrace and truly relish that my HP wants me to be happy, joyous and free. I had to be reminded by those who came before me that I was valued and worthy until I believed it for myself.
Keep coming back - you are worthy and valued! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
{{{Flower}}}. Its taken many years of therapy and now seven in alanon, but I can say that yes I do deserve good things. Bad things will still happen because that is life, and when I just waited for the next bad thing to happen, I never got to feel good. And whats the point of living in misery??? I dont think thats whats intended for humans. My sponsor helped me tremendously overcome the negativity I was taught in my family of origin, which was that I was not worthy, good enough or smart. One of my tasks with my sponsor was to write an asset of mine daily. At first I felt like I was being tortured, but eventually it became second nature to see good in myself, along with my flaws which need continued attention. Progress not perfectionwe will never be perfect, but we all have gifts we should appreciate and celebrate, even if its just making a great cup of coffee. Keep coming back indeed! Lyne
Happiness is a choice. You can decide if you want to be happy or content. God has a way of us being grateful & that it comes from him. I feel like that bad things happen to good people but do we deserve that? Good question? I know that after all have been through I deserve happiness after being so sad for so long. Since I have been in alanon for 34 years it doesn't always come easy to be happy but I am happier than before. Thanks to alanon I am a useful member of society.
Great subject including your sign in Flower. Flowers are great proof for me that I am loved by a power greater than myself which often isn't my choice but HP's. HP loves me as He does because it is what HP does. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other person for exactly who they are". I love that lesson regardless that it took me years to find it and now follow it. My alcoholic/addict wife deserved to be unconditionally loved and that is how she loved me also.
I was raised with so many negative lessons depending how others felt about anything. I had to learn how to deserve feeling good about myself because it just felt good and because I just deserved it. If I didn't get that right often I would hurt others because I would hurt myself.
One of the very great discussions I had with my sponsor was kind of close to this subject when he asked me "how do you see yourself?" and I came up with a negative response to which his response to me was, "Could you be wrong"? I couldn't dare respond "No". Keep coming back, ((((Hugs)))) ....You deserve those.
I.mosr certainly can relate to being in.victim mode. Just like everyone else my life is pretty challenging right now. I can mosr certainly see it from the point of view as victim. I can lkso soend a lot of tine licking my wounds.
I have been working overtime literally to move myself out of the position that I.was in.
I.do not know when this COVID issue will pan out. I.know I am no longer willing to.live in reactivity to it. That is no longer durable
I know self worth is hard to sustain when it appears fireign. A grear deal of my self worth comes from.a place where I was taking care of others. I.think there is definitely an adjustment as you work through thst. Certainky for me it was and still id extremeky difficukt to acknowledge how nuch that behavior cost me.
Maresie
Hi Flower... 
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