The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Posting for tomorrow! The reading discusses envy - suggesting that when most of us arrive at Al-Anon, we often resent others whose lives appear less troubled, envying what we think they have. In time, we do discover that each of us is special, with unique skills, interests and opportunities. We learn that we already have all that we need even if it's not what we WANT. We learn to trust in a Higher Power that has a better grasp on what's good for us.
The reading suggests that envy is a waste of time as each of us are on a different path. They have what they need, we have what we need. Resentment only puts a wedge between us and others.
We are no one's victims. We are where we are supposed to be. Envy is nothing more than a hostile form of self-pity. Learning to appreciate what we have instead of dwelling on what we lack allows us to feel good about our lives and to be happy for abundance for others.
Reminder: Another person's bounty reminds me that wonderful things can happen at any time to anybody. I will appreciate the many gifts I have been given.
Quote from Horace: "Whatever hour God has blessed you with, take it with grateful hand."
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I have to raise my hand and 'own' that I was a persistent compete/compare kind of gal. I was raised to do so, and practiced this for a long, long while. I always felt greater than or lesser than - never really a part of. In my magical, magnifying mind (insane), I felt as if the life I was burdened with was worse than anybody else and I was constantly in envy of others who appeared to have it better.
What I've come to know and accept is everybody's got something. When I spend time comparing how I feel on the inside to what others' show me on the outside, I will constantly feel shorted. If I instead accept that I do have all that I need and find ways to be of service to me and others, I feel more peace and complete than my formal patterns/ways.
I am not a fan of pity parties. I find it much easier to vent (if needed) and then give it to God and move along. Life is too short to waste more time wondering, worrying, wanting and especially for comparing and competing with others.
Gratitude is a great tool and a lovely gift of recovery. Enjoy your Thursday MIP family. I'm off to golf early tomorrow while it's still nice/cool! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hey IAH, thank you for the great daily and your share...I hear ya..I raise my hand too....My life WAS a living nightmare and I DID have "cause" to be envious of my loved and nurtured and cared for cousins and I did, but what good did it do for me??? make me resentful and ADDED to my already miserable state...I didn't believe in any loving, caring God back then, so I was sure I was cursed..."riding out bad karma from a past life" I was told...well, if I don't know what my screw up in this "past life" how am i to understand, but that was what folks told me...so yea, I had a horrid attitude....In sports I HAD to win, so I could "justify" that I was worthy of something....material things I craved because I thought if I had great clothes, car, stereo, hot looking boyfriends, etc., then I could feel worthy.....oh, looking back I cannot believe that I am in the same life as I was then
now?? yea, I want my needs met..I want to be financially stable, but id on't have to be rich, I don't have to have the hottest car, but I do love my cute clothes, LOL...I don't care if others have more cash as long as my needs are met and some of my wants, I am OK....I kinda like the simple, peaceful life.....I downsized my house, gave away a LOT of "stuff" that I just did not use or need anymore and I am happier for it..lighten my load...less stuff to have to maintain....I am OK with me and who I am NOW, but it took years in recovery to get to this point...believing in a loving, caring Higher Power tipped the scales for me..I have a purpose..a good purpose.....just for me.....
I don't think that envy describes my emotion. Jealousy might be slightly different, but this describes me.
Growing up I was aware that other people had holidays, ski trips and other stuff- and that did not bother me a lot. I was aware of our circumstances.
Of course i am writing this, now, looking back. I did envy people who had reliable vehicles, and better land. I think I used this energy to practise gratitude- for what I did have... and the impetus to strive for and achieve for what I needed.
Thank you Iamhere for your service and the Daily. And a great one it is!!
Nice ESH, Rose and David - I really like when I can take something away to better my understanding.
Hand up here! I had a great childhood. My father came from a broken home with an alcoholic mother. He "fibbed" his age to enter the Navy to get away from a "mean" step-mother. I know that all his hard work was so that he could give his children what he never had. Being very aware of this, I was always grateful, and did not take it for granted.
Funny thing is, when I left home and got married, I didn't seem to take that Gratitude with me. Or if I did, it was not foremost in my mind, b/c I was always working hard for "More." Part of me thinks that I could just take that privilege I grew up with into my adult life...including my hard work, of course... I knew I wouldn't just attain what I wanted for zero effort!! But that overall feeling of getting to "Better" was always there.
It took a few Step 4's to realize my shortcoming of not being satisfied with what was given to me in life. I had to come to terms that what my spouse always offered me was not enough. There was a time, shortly after our separation (when I knew I wasn't going back) that I looked at every couple walking hand in hand down the street with Envy. The big, ugly, green-eyed kind. I wanted what they had!! My sponsor helped me to see that mindset I still clung onto was just self-pity, and wasn't doing me any good!!! I could not see it for myself. I had to find a way to ACCEPT WHAT WAS/IS in my life.
Today, I actively acknowledge my Gratitude List. Every day. It was something suggested by Betty... a suggestion I am eternally grateful for. I am learning to have Gratitude for the things I DO have. When I hear myself thinking with negativity/self-absorption, I "reach" for that Gratitude List... it seems to turn the negative around!
I am a Work In Progress!
June Gloom here... I don't mind though... I am enjoying the cooler temps! Make this day your given a great one!!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I was listening to my meditation teacher last night. He talked about the tyranny of judgement and comparison
I certainly have dealt with tyrants before.
I had my parents and sisters
I had not realised I was my own tyrant.
Every thought is not a command.
My former roommate was his own version of tyrany. He would only give me about half a shelf in the freezer When i put two things in there he went and filled up the rest of the freezer to fill it all up.crowding me out. I got the message he was always denigrating me every chance he got. Now he does not get that chance any more. Pretty soon he will not have any chance whatsoever.
These days when I see the tyrant I start looking at what I can do to mitigate that.
I can no longer allow them to poison my life. That being said I have to watch closely what I can do to change how I view the world. Being envious is toxic. I really have no idea what other people's lives are like
I have my own version of tyranny .
I am glad you introduced this topic because I am really looking at how I get sucked into this issue.
Maresie
WOW!!! Beautiful shares, everyone!!!! I love coming here and sometimes just READ and not say anything...absorb all this great wisdom....what a miracle this program is....We are just folks...regular folks, sharing and caring and the wisdom and ESH and learning I get each time I come here is amazing----thank you HP for this great group
When I was with the qualifier he coverted every single issue. When my mother died (she literally dropped dead);h e com-
plained that this brought uo the issue of his fathet's death. When I was sick he had to have an even worse illness. Whatever I.had was this intense comoetition for him.
Every singje moment of the day was #coverted# by him. If it was not about he had to ovetride it at all costs. I hsve often felt absolutely suffocated around an alcoholic. In.my case I literally was. I woke up one day completely unabie to breathe. Talk about a metaphor.
I am around people who are envious pf certain issues I deal with daily. I oerfected this pleasant attotide towards them. It is superficial and does not show very much emotion. Other people I just avoid i go out of my way to absolutely avoid them by any means necessary I know they eat sleep abd breathe envy.. Being in their presemce is to be the subject of that intense comparison of every cell.
One of my new friends has really very little materially but they have time to listen. That is a real gift. I need more people like that in my recovery. People who hear me as seoarate from them.
My elder sister was also extremely envious. If anyone got somethimg she was literally beside herself with anger like they had robbed her. I did not know huw to handle that now I do.
These days I am extremely boumdaried around people with envy issues. I curtail how much I share with them. I do not share my financial position with them at any time. I know how toxic they are.
I cannot wait to be out of these Corona times. I cannot wait to go out and enjoy life again without everything being a tremendous hardship. Every day every task. How we will relish those times
I cannot wait to keeo walking away from toxic oeople who live life by a tally of what you have should be mine. I walk away from another job in 10 days. I stayed in toxic sitiluations like that for years. I feared walking away. The suoervisor where I work nit picks and bullies his staff. I know where that goes. I have the opportunity to walk away. I am taking it and leaving in 10 days. Hopefully it is a series of leaving that can orchestrate in the next few months. Instead of a series of added burdens almost asphixiating me it will be a series of letting go. Like taking a deep breath simoly letting go.
Out of all this tremendous pain, stress and chaos comes insight action and hopefully peace. Instead of being paralyzed by these increcible burdems, I can look forward to a time where I can move beyond this time of grest hardship. I have sonething to look forward to rather than dread. I look forward to it.
Maresie
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Thanks IAH for your service and what a lovely thread has evolved here. I felt so deprived, defeated, and unworthy that I spent years wishing I could be like others and have what others had. I really just didn't want to be me, and I felt that everyone else's life seemed better than mine. Years of therapy slowly helped and alanon is really the icing on the cake. Betty taught me: compare = despair. One of her Bettyisms that has stayed with me. Alanon has enabled me to feel good enough and to appreciate that what's on the inside is what counts. This is a GREAT program for life, Lyne
Thank you so much for sharing your Bettyism. When I knew Betty I resented her trips, oh those exotic trips she went on, her aoartment on the lower east side. Most of all i resented that she had a life that worked for her . My life was completely unmanageable. I was living hand to mouth
I had some vision she cane by thst kife effortlessly. I knuw now she made it out of nothung out of ashes.
Now I feel that Betty deserved the life she managed to create for herself. Out of all that tragedy she moved on. That tragedy did not destroy her. She rose above it.
My problems will not destroy me. I hsve dealt with these issues before. I can deal with them again. I know how to put myself in a better space. I have done it before
For some reason when I was interacting with Betty I felt I did not deserve happiness.
I felt like I would never get there. I hsve come a long way in my orogram since then. I graduated to a different level.
Naresie
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