The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Every alcoholic I have ever known tells lies.
I have always been really affected by their lies. I would believe them, then I would get angry about them. Then I would spend a lot of time obsesing about what they needed to do. That is because really I made them so so important in my life.
Then i would get depressed by being put in a no win sitiuation. Again this was because I had made the alcoholic central to my life. Again I had made it that I practically noy breathe without them
Maresie
These days when an alcoholic lies I do not even react. I say something like #Good luck#
Now I exoect them to lie
I have had to make my life so I am not dependent on them which for me (having attachment issues) was practically impossible. Pain is what drove me to it
The pain of being affected by the alcoholic whose life was unmanageable. I was unmanageable too so I focused on the akcoholic.
Now I expect them to lie. That is what they do. I no longet spend my time wandering what disaster is coming next
My plate is full, overfull but I am in charge of it. I.may not like some asoects of it.
I have choices. I always had choices
Always. I did not feel like they were choices I wanted to make
Maresie
{{{Maresie888}}}. After reading your above shares the word that comes to mind is acceptance. I believe that lying is part of the alcoholic/addict personality. I literally spent years trying to get my A to be different. My sponsor taught me a saying: I cant , He can, I will let Him. I hit my head against the wall for years, my blood pressure spiking up and down like a yo-yo, and now after 7 years in program, at best, the only person I can control is myself. I dont lie. I pride myself on honesty. And I will continue to do so. And in accepting my A as she is, many days I am at peace and content. Im not willing to let her have that power or control over me anymore. Ive resigned from the doormat club, and I have set myself free. And since life cannot be perfect, I accept progress not perfection. Lyne
I no longet feel fristrated about this issue. I feel relief that I no longer set myself uo to fail. I put myself in that situation over and over again. I did not feel I.had a choice about it. Now I.have a choice
I also have to say that I.alsi do not have any self doubt now. I know it is a lie and I do not doubt myself. Chronic self doubt and confusion is a terrible back drop to try to live with. I actively volunteered for it!!
Maresie
Hi Maresie, what great insight you have developed!
When I first came to 'The Rooms' (Nar-Anon to be exact-recommended by my spouse's rehab facility), I read and heard this saying: "If their lips are moving, they are lying!"
At first I was struck back by the brute honesty of that statement, and I laughed out loud. I also thought, "Wow, that doesn't leave much room for Hope now, does it?" What I found over the years, is the statement that made me laugh and then cringe, is very, very, true. Like most things, it is not a "blanket" statement. But it seems to be a common trait with Addiction in general.
I saw myself in both your posts...I wanted so badly for my SO to be someone he was not. I spent so many exhausting years trying to change him. It wasn't until I began to understand the concept of Acceptance... and then work on actively utilizing that concept, did I begin to understand my part in my misery.
Because Honesty is a huge character trait for me, I really suffer from being lied to, and I just can't understand the need. To deal with all the lying, I had to begin with "grey rocking." In doing so, I learned how to use (and become comfortable with using) responses like, "You may be right," or "Hmmm, I don't know... I am sure you will figure it out." Or just, "Really?"
Since I love research, I like to get to the heart of things... to see if I can find the source, the truth. Not a fun past-time with addicted people and their lying ways, LMTY! I had to embrace the saying I learned here: "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"
Recently, my Ex told a couple "good ones" to me and my kid. 1) That he has been incommunicado for 3 months b/c he had COVID-19, and then when that didn't get the response he wanted...2) He now has prostate cancer. I am glad that I responded with, 1) "Wow, well, I am sure glad the 'Rona didn't get you!' and 2) Oh, I am really sorry to hear this. I know your family and sponsor will be super supportive, and I will ask that your HP will watch over you." Because last week his family told me those were debunked from the doctor now treating him for liver failure. I am glad I was able to work my program and leave those lies alone... b/c they were manipulations, really.
Thank you for the thought-provoking thread!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Maresie, thank you so much for sharing the Before and After pictures of how you dealt with the issue of lying. I understand what you said, "Pain is what drove me to it " -- that was true for me too. Acceptance makes such a big difference in my life today. It sucks that I had to go through pain to get here ... but I am here now, and so glad you are too.
It is very painful to see that i put my faith in people who were irresponsible, deceptive. Unreliable and more or less completely unable to be supportive
I put my best effort to try to re-make and assist people who were really not that motivated to change. Then when it was obvious they did not have my best interesrs at heart I redoubled my efforts
I set myself up repeatedly. This kind of compulsive behavior undermined ny mental heslth, my financial stability as well as did trenendous damage to my physical health. This kind of behavior also alienated people around me. There is also no doubt this kind of behavior seriously affected my earnings ability. What a catastrophic way to choose to live my life.
I know the alcoholic in my life lies every chance he gets. I have completely withdrawn from him. I just nod to his lies and walk away. I am in some sort of weird silent period in my life.
Boy oh boy. This is where I am right now. I loathe lying. My ex lied habitually. My now AH husband, when we met, I made it clear to him to just never lie. Welp, 7 years later & right now I cannot move on from the lies. Im stuck. For me Im wondering if its even repairable. My anger about the lying turns into a world war at our house & ends with endless attacks on my character. I cant do this one more time mustve passed my lips a thousand times throughout our relationship. I never followed through. This time; this time Im unable to move forward the way he wants. Frankly, I wish I could. For me the lies broke the foundation of our marriage. I dont see remorse from him, just anger. For me, lying has always been a deal breaker.
Hey Maresie...I hear ya, lady girl!!! Like Freetime said...LOVE the before and after pictures you show in how to deal with alcoholics...
when the few who are still in my life, are talking, I just say "ok" keep it brief...IF they keep their word, fine!! but i don't expect much from them...I don't want to be in the disease anymore then my own disease of being impacted by them....My brother makes promise after promise he will send me little things from Massachusetts, our home town, and I just say "yea, ok" and I change the subject...havn't seen a package yet and its been years...
I actually do not believe there is an after period for me. There is a grey area where can see the light. Certainly no relief. None whatsoever
The woman who.I.work with is had chronic obsessive compulsive disease. It is really really bad about her desk. Her reponse to everything is way over the top
My current level of stress is such that I am aware of my limitatios. So today I had to ask to be transferred some place else
.
That is not that big a deal. The only #after# is I know my limitations. I dealt with someone with severe OCD before. I know where it goes to gey outta the way.
