The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After all of the reading here which has caused me to thing and meditate the program and my relationship with my Higher Power I get to practice it again and say..."this works when I work it".
I was on the TV watching what I learn from and my spouse was on the phone with a program help. When she is done she come into the living room and faces me off (standing over me) and asks, "How long are you going to be watching that program. I don't like it!!" I respond, "I will be done when it's over" and she pulls the anger back a bit and walks out. The power and control behavior doesn't work except to cause me to inventory about how I am doing and how I want to continue doing. I speak with my Higher Power and continue with the program I am watching and then allow myself to know that I cannot just let the problem lay for ever cause I could cause it to be worse. The inventory reveals that I have an opportunity to do my own power and control behavior which isn't gonna work. Pray again and decide that after a little bit I will confront with respect which isn't what I received from her so it is a need and it is the subject line I will use.
I am done with my program and with my waiting so I enter her space and raise the subject of power and control with anger and being treated with anger and disrespect. I cite that I don't treat her like that and would like to be treated the same way I treat her. She is given time to think about what I am saying and what I am asking for and she responds, "You're right" which means to me only that she has heard not that she will attempt a change. This isn't the first time so I have practice.
I return to the living room and check the progress of my program and then after a while return and hand her the control and sit to stay.
I know I am dealing with Power and Control and Oppositional Defiant Disorder with Attention Deficit Disorder in the margin. How do I know? I still have the lessons from the past; problems and solutions. Thanks for letting me share. I am open to your ESH. (((HUGS)))
I have been doing my own inventory lately. I have abnormal patterns in rellationshop
When my partner lets me down I commit more. I had very little if any self preservation I am impulsive. I do not take the big picture. I am reckless.
Imagine Ihought I was the higher functionimg one.
Maresie
I
{{{Jerry}}}. As I live with my untreated A of almost 29 years of a life together, after I have tried everything known to man (and woman) to make changes to this relationship including couples counseling with an addiction therapist, I come back to the same principles of alanon:
-Live and let live
-Let go and let God
-focus on myself
-The Serenity Prayer esp. the version that starts: God grant me the Serenity to accept the people I cannot change
-Steps 1-3
AND etc.,etc., etc. I must practice continuously to keep my head above water. I must keep treading water so I dont drown. And yes it does work when I work it, and I will continue to do so. Keep on keeping on my brother, Lyne
What a wonderful way that you worked your program! Thank you for sharing the "how" you managed that situation. Sometimes, it is easy to know the slogans, but hard to know how to implement them in the moment.
Keep on keepin' on! &
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Excellent share and perspective Jerry!!! Thank you very much for sharing!!!
For me, it's about program and recovery. For me, as the program tells us -- alanon is a spiritual program, not a religious one, so my higher power is spiritual-based, and my recovery is spiritual-oriented. It's not about God in a religious sense. I believe in God. Non-negotiable. But my connection to God is more personal, and individual, than it is program and recovery. Yet, I feel God is a major part of my recovery. Seperate to some extent, distinct in part, but very related and part of it. Similar to an "overlap" or concentric circles. Regardless, what is guaranteed for me is -- it works when I work it. I have to do the work. If I do, I get better. If I do, I get and stay healthy. If I do, life improves.
My recovery has made me a better person -- for me -- and yet to others. I am a better dad, brother, son, uncle, business partner, client, advisor, and friend. With interactions, I simply look at my part. I look at my role. I look at my contribution. If one is completely open and honest -- and in my experience most are not -- then you have your answer. I no longer struggle with power and control. My old dealings with them were not about control per se. I didn't want to be in control. But my ego -- not being egotistical, but the psychological aspect of "ego" and "self" -- allowed me to feel as if it were my role, my job, to solve problems. I developed, along with a "coach" -- an exercise that automatically allowed me to "let go" whenever I wanted to or whenever it was appropriate. The appropriate part was not decided by me in this exercise. It was decided by the other person or persons. This allowed me to instantly "get better" and be a better person for the other person.
Simultaneously, I also had a built in "not accepting unacceptable behavior" -- so my old people pleasing never took over. Unless unacceptable, inappropriate, or abusive, my mode was being "unoffendable" and the motivation was to let go, not engage, etc. I had a very distinct motivation of not wanting to argue. Life is too short. How important is it? What a wonderful question. I actually ask it. I actually answer it -- and I do openly and honestly!!! That's the only way it works.
When your three best friends -- who know you better than anyone in the world -- say you are being a jerk, guess what? You are being a jerk. No, not literal, but you get my point. If my wife, had a vested interest in a discussion, her side, my side, whatever, and she said I was being a jerk -- that may or may not be true. Is she vested? Is she objective? For most people it's a tough line to walk, balance, straddle, etc.
I like your approach, thoughts, and perspective. Keep it simple. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
Thanks Jerry.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
In addition, this is a very interesting, thought-provoking topic and discussion. I am very interested in hearing others' perspectives and shares, and seeing how the discussion develops and progresses. Thank you again Jerry!
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Lovely share brother - You post reminded me of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I also get many opportunities to pause and pray before I proceed. When I am confronted in a manner that I find abrasive or 'snippy' (term I use here - more diffusing than other that comes to mind), it does not 'land well'. What I've come to appreciate about that simple pause and pray is it gives me enough time to remember what every 'is' is not about me! And, it gives me just enough time to remember I always have choices for my response. I have really, really been working on unconditional acceptance - taking others, at all hours of the day, exactly as they are - and wouldn't you know it that the God of my understanding makes sure I get many chances to practice.
I am reminded daily, multiple times per day how powerless I really am. In spite of working a consistent program, having consistent boundaries, reasonably good detachment skills, I am still presented with opportunities to recall my own powerlessness and practice acceptance OFTEN. My sponsor reminds me when I raise 'things' my AH does that annoy me or I believe as hurtful/disrespectful that I most likely have my own habits that are annoying. It's her way of helping me change my focus back to me.
For all that we've been through here, not once has my husband nitpicked @ me. He is a Type B person and I am Type A. He spends money faster than it comes in and I'm thrifty. I could go on and on and I have attempted to impose my ways and my will on him and that 'favor' has NEVER been returned. I have learned much about patience, tolerance and chilling out from him, just by him being him.
In your scenario, my sponsor would say to me, "What is going on with you (me) that you're affected and reacting to a snippy tone in another? Why are you taking personally something that was not intended to ..................? Lastly, because we are double winners, she will often then ask if I need to make amends because I failed/forgot to practice restraint of pen/tongue?
In 29 years of married life, my spouse has never said, "I was wrong." He has come forward, as your spouse did and told me I was right - which is really not the same thing. We had that conversation about 10 years ago and he heard me, and changed nothing. What I learned from that and I continue to learn from each encounter with my spouse is if I am heard, that should be enough. If I expect beyond that, I'm no longer on my side of the street. Like you, I want to be treated kindly, with loving respect. I consider it a win if it happens more often than not. I spent many, many years being short with others and snippy simply because of other things. So, I am able today to let much of it go, using our tools to remember it's not all about me and pray for the other person that whatever is causing them pain, anger, distraction, etc. heals fast!
Keep doing you Brother, we can expect nothing more than continued progress one day at a time and you're right where you are supposed to be! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This is a keeper for me and I will re-read it again (4-5th time) to find what I have missed. It is a keeper because you all have shared "How your work it" with me and that has always been a/the blessing for me from my HP thru our program. My life changed when I stopped doing it my way and started doing it the ways of other program/family members. Mahalo Akua...Thank you God for this resolve of my sanity and thank you MIP for your love, care and ESH. ((((hugs))))
OH and how is it now? We are, She is, I am much more acceptable as brother and sister, husband and wife, woman and man when mutual love and care rise to the top.
-- Edited by JerryF on Tuesday 16th of June 2020 01:35:30 PM
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
RELAPSE!! YES I DID THIS MORNING AS I GOT CAUGHT UP AGAIN IN HER EMOTIONAL DRAMA AND WITH HER AGAIN QUICKLY PUTTING IT ON ME. This is usual for her but not for me if I don't take that less than a second to inventory what is happening and how I want it to come about for me. I did more than stand my ground and I paid a price for it. I repeated thoughts, feelings and almost actions from the past which made me sick to my stomach. I have a past history for rage and violence and when the past flashed my memory I surrendered and immediately inside started practicing my apology and amends. I harmed my alcoholic/addict wife badly before and just mentioning it here now makes me nauseous.
I needed this site and the form to self center and acknowledge that I will apologies before bedtime tonight.
This is and was a relapse I didn't expect which teaches me I am not done and the disease is not done with me.
I have worked my conscious contact with Higher Power and will pray for firmer surrender.
I blew up my definition of love being the complete and total acceptance...back to practicing the program.
((((((((((((Jerry))))))))))))) I was gonna say what Lyne had said, I set my boundary, yes!! and I enforce it, then its on to what Lyne said
Live and let live -Let go and let God -focus on myself -The Serenity Prayer esp. the version that starts: God grant me the Serenity to accept the people I cannot change -Steps 1-3
I liked how you handled it...that was great..stating you don't treat her that way and want same consideration...then you just let it go...Great share and insight....
As I get closer and more trusting in my HP, I can let stuff go better as well
I have a Tuesday client who "holds me after I clock out" and have gotten my check...I told him yesterday that I am happy to answer questions for him, but it must be BEFORE I have clocked out and received my pay...I said it nice..firm...no nonsense..no sarcasm...just the facts...just the facts....he responded with "ok" and for me?? When I do the financials, I am gonna prepare them, give them too him EARLY enough so if he has ???s he has plenty of time to ask me about them....I thought I had last week, telling him they were done and "there on the counter" so he had plenty of time to query me but he chose to wait till I was leaving...YESTERDAY he started to do the same thing and he HAD them long enough so I set the boundary AND I left...Told him I had to go...he had those papers all day, nearly and that I had to go let my dogs out, I was tired and see you next week....
He took it fine...its funny!!! People know when you are in the right, he did because he never tried to "change me"..I walked out and drove home.....
-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 17th of June 2020 09:53:33 PM
I have had to look.at my own inventory lately. I think that has been one of the most painful issues in my life
I do believe this Covid issue has made everything much much worse. This virus had caused unquantifable stress for everyone. Every single issue is affected by it. I.have had to look at my #shoulds# around the virus. I was holding a standard up. We have never had a crisis like this before. Where are the #shoulds#
I am glad this unbeliebable measure of stress has caused me to take my inventory
I have gained tremendous insight out of this process. Unfortunately it has been driven by tremendous pain and anxiety
Maresie
It does work when I work it with HP so I lay there in thought and prayer and meditation after making an apology just before bed. She was quiet and accepted the apology which is her choice and I followed thru on the attitude I knew was best for me to take.
Attitude...one of the metaphors I have and use on this word involves my time in the Navy which shows the leaning position of a ship port or starboard and can also reveal the ship leaning and if too far; leaving to much into a rollover and sinking which is what I
relate to a day ago. And it happens that fast as this one happened for me. Gotta practice more. I don't mind amending. What I do mind is the mental, emotional, physical pain that flashes thru me. Thank you HP for holding on with me. (((hugs)))
(((Jerry))) - it happens. The best of intentions and the best of program is just no match for the inner affects from this disease. Your share reminded me that no matter how long we are around, in, working, living, embracing, breathing recovery, we are works in progress or as we say here, Miracles in Progress.
I do find that in subtle ways, I am 'aware' of potential slips before they happen, through post review & inventory. For me, generally and without intent to cause imbalance, I've shifted my own schedule, routine, or other. There is still deep within me a rebel that forgets I am not in charge, so when I make changes or skip that which works for me, I leave myself wide open to react instead of respond.
It's broader than HALT and always I find that I have unintentionally let my EGO return. I am human, as are you and try as we may, we will make mistakes and we will suffer the consequences. I also have a 'hangover' when I've reacted with past insanity attached and it's so not a good feeling. I don't view the experience as punishment but rather a reminder that I need to be ever vigilant in my spiritual journey.
I am still very much reminded of Awareness, Acceptance & Action. You're program is awesome and your willingness to keep doing what is suggested will always prevail. I am currently processing and doing step work towards some huge information that came forward while my parents were very ill. It appears a relationship I thought was 'mended' truly is not as I have discovered my oldest brother sees me as I was 33 years ago, before getting sober. The more I process the situation, the more I realize I would benefit greatly returning to Step One. What I know deep down - there is not a single thing I can say, do, write, share, etc. that will change his views. It truly makes me sad yet I am, always have been and always will be Powerless over other people, places and things.
The power of prayer truly is so calming and healing. I heard early on when I don't know what to do, I can always take the action of prayer. It's been a go-to for a long, long, long while and truly has never not worked. Praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out....(((Hugs))) - you are now and will be OK!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Jerry. This is an exceltionally hard time for everyone. Today in my errand the interaction went seamlessly. That is a first since March!
I have stopped listening to a lot of the news and stopped reading the papers
Slipping is part of the program. In lookkmg to have good days i have to do a lot of stress management. I have to limit my contact. I have to do maximal self care.
That is hard to maintain
My meditation teacher says every thought does not have to be a command. Those of us who have ptsd have to work really hard not to.be in flight/fight.
My knee jerk reactions are not heloing me but in order to change it i have to become aware. Awareness is the first step. Practice is next patience helps that all to move along the way.
Maresie
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