The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the reading for Monday,, 6/15, the author looks at their use of sarcasm to make a cutting remark, a snide innuendo, and/or give a scornful sneer. They say they can receive momentary satisfaction by scoring a hit, but by attacking someone nothing gets resolved, and it is not really a desirable behavior.
A better approach when feeling helpless and angry would be to call an alanon friend, go to a meeting, and/or write down every nasty word they want to say. It can feel good to let it out. But the writer would prefer to let it out in a manner that does not hurt others. Then, they can communicate in a way they will be proud of.
Reminder: Most of us carry more than our share of shame. I will not add to the problem by using cruel, clever words to humiliate a fellow human being. In doing so, I would be shaming myself.
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Ive not been a big fan of sarcasm. Im more a stick to the golden rule kind of person: treat others the way I want to be treated. I also try to choose behaviors that add to my self- esteem, rather than subtract from it. Its been years in the making, to have a self that I can like and respect. Perhaps its the years of abuse I endured from an older brother, that has made me particularly want to act the exact opposite way! Kindness goes a long way in my book. Thats the person I want to be, Lyne
Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. I appreciate your share as well. My FOO (Family of Origin) used sarcasm often/always. I learned it well and could 'throw shade' without any thought or concern how it would land. It was/can still be a defect of character that, like so many others, worked until it didn't.
For most of my life, I unintentionally and without malice, practiced 'conditional love' vs. unconditional love. I did for others, always with the expectation of something in return. My relationships were transactional and lacked authenticity. When I felt uncomfortable, sarcasm was a way out in a perverse sort of way.
In recovery, I learned how hurtful sarcasm could be and really spent tons of time determining what in me felt 'that' was an effective strategy. My experience suggests sarcasm was another unhealthy tool I used when I was hurt or in fear and wanted to avoid feeling or processing reality. Unfortunately, my AH grew up with the same style of family, so sarcasm has become a big part of the dysfunction in our present. I've practiced responding differently yet still, can throw shade. I will say that it no longer gives me pleasure or satisfaction like it once did.
I too prefer to perform esteemable actions today. I also practice kindness and it's become much more natural to me. I wasn't mean before in so much as I was indifferent, which could come across as disinterested/better than. I've worked hard on active listening and seeking to understand which has made me feel more genuine in my relationships. Today, I can actually say, I don't appreciate what you just said, instead of throwing shade - acting in kind.
I will readily admit that not once, but twice, I called my AH Captain Obvious on the golf course today. He is a skilled golfer, and I am a beginner so it stands to reason that I have much to learn. I've asked him for help in improving my game and his 'help' comes in the form of telling me what I am doing wrong....I keep asking what should I do instead, and he keeps telling me what I am doing wrong. It's interesting to ask for what I need and to instead get affirmation of how I'm not doing it right....We did both laugh when I called him Captain Obvious and moved on.
I practice unconditional love and acceptance, which encompasses the golden rule. No matter what others are saying, doing, not doing, I am better able to just accept and be kind with patience and compassion - all which I learned practicing recovery, One Day at a Time!
Happy, happy Monday MIP!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I dont practice kindness with everyone and for me that is essentisl. There are some people I just plain avoid. For me as a chronic people pleaser and over giver being nice can be deadly because I am over the top on seeking approval. It is one of the ways I abandon myself.
That doesnt mean I am not cordial. I am but being nice is a compulsive thing for me
I would be out fixing stuff getting things for people and cleaning up the neighborhood.
For me around certain people it is best for me to say nothing. I jusr really work hard on my side of the street
At the moment one of the companIes I work for had been calling, emailing repeatedly asking me to work. I have been a hero so many times overextending myself. When I was sick my main employer did not give me even one day sick pay. There are reasons that no one wants to go work right now. I can say #No# with no guilt. What the comoany does about it is none of my business. That is their problem not mine. My only problem is taking care of me.
For me being nice can be almost deadly. I have to watch my boumdaries like a hawk. There are certain people I just do not interact with at all. There is no gain for me in even trying.
I no longer use sarcasm. I think when I was using sarcasm i was trying to influence others. Now I have no interest in doing that I want to move forward .to a better time. I do not need any more hardship.
I have always been incredibly invested in what other people thought of me. That hass changed now although I certainly am not indifferent to them. What I am most concerned about is making a difference in my life because I need to right now. For once I am a priority rather than everyone else BUT me. I need that total focus right now because I have been hurting for too long.
Maresie
