The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time on this forum. I did attend Al-Anon many many moons ago. I got divorced in 2010 from an alcoholic. I was single up until 2016. I met a man in my apartment complex and we hit it off right away. We had many things in common and we laughed. I hadn't laughed in many years. We were together up until 2018 he had a lot of issues with his ex-wife and at that point we were not getting along. He was drinking an 18 pk everyday at home and drank throughout the day at work. It became too much. One night he went to drop off his kids from a weekend visit and returned 2 days later. He came home and said he and his ex-wife worked it out and got back together. He broke up with her after about 10 months of getting back together and we started to talk again. After about 5 months we got back together. In the back of my mind I knew I shouldn't but everything was "good" We have been living together since the pandemic started. He couldn't return to his living situation with his family because he is an essential worker and the others were not and they were taking precautions of their own family. It has been horrible living together. He has been drinking just like he did when we lived together. I am working from home and he just got laid off a month ago. It has been unbearable for me at this point. From the moment he wakes up to the moment he sleeps he is drinking and yelling. I can't handle it. He threatens to leave everyday. I have just stopped talking throughout the day. Anything sets him off. I want to just throw him out as it has become unbearable to live here anymore. I feel like I did when I was married with my ex. I'm at my wits end. I feel like I know what I should do but I'm scared to do it.
Thank you for listening to me and letting me let out my feelings on this forum.
Welcome to this forum. I have to say this pandemic is an incredibly stressful time to live in. I can definitely relate to your story of seeing the good side of the alcoholic. They can be immensely charming and entertaining.
I can also relate to being trapped in the complete chaos the alcoholic creares. Alcoholism is a progressive disease
.
I recently went to stay with a friend of mine temporarily. When I firsr knew my friend workmen were over at the house all the time. He had everything fixed and in working order. His house is now in such a sorry state. What's more he is very depressed and drowning his sorrows with abandon. Everything was a reason to drown his sorrows including COVID 19.
I.can definitely relate to feeling trapped. In fact I was trapped for a short time. Now I have moved on but I still have a few issues to resolve with my friend. Now i do not live there it is much easier to deal with him but I am still absolutely furious about being put in that predicament. I am also not really that interested anymore in the outcome of his story. It is now none of my business.
Al anon can most certainly help you a lot
I know that al anon has helped me get straight. Dealing with this last issue with my friend has been beyond tedious. Having Covud 19 on top of that is right ivef the top.
I do tend to blame myself when it cimes to dealing with an alcoholic. The problem is that many alcoholics can be extremely competent. My friend holds a very high paying job. I am a low income hourly worker. Of course I would focus on huw competent he is. He is certainjy comoetent when it comes to work issues.
Many alcoholics cycle back through relationships. I was certainly.vulnerable to that issue in the past. Blaming ourselves is one thing. In al anon I have become aware of the traits and patterns that i get pulled into. For me that is immensely helpful. I feel like I can get some control over those patterns.
My former qualifier was realky adept at playing me off againsf certain people. His mother in particular but oretty much everyone as a rule. He had it down how to do that. The signs of intense manipulation were really apoarent very early in our relationship. I did not pick up.on them and I most certainly felt that sting early on. I had littke self preservation. I do not need to be ounished for that
Recently I made the acquaitance of a man close to my age group. I felt like I had a lot in common with him. Then out of the blue he started to play me off against other people. I was so relieved he showed me that charactor trait
Needless to say I am no longer talking with him so observing oatterns can helois change
Rather than beat yourself up for this predicament, you can look at certain patterns and change them. I am no longer in a powerless position. I am in control.
I am glad you are here. Welcome.
Maresie
Welcome to MIP dragonfly - glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I am sure sorry for what brings you here...the pandemic brings challenges by itself - add the disease to the mix and it can be beyond overwhelming.
I'm not sure how long you engaged with Al-Anon before but am glad you've had some exposure. It is a recovery program for those of us, friends and family, who are concerned about the drinking in another. I am sure you understand there are meetings in most areas (of course, the pandemic has shut down most here, face-to-face (F2F)). Most meeting locations can be found by searching out the official Al-Anon web-site. Our area does suggest you call before you go so you can ensure it's open.
If you don't have access to meetings in your area or because of the pandemic, many groups, world-wide, are meeting on Zoom. It's a video setting where you can mute (if you just want to listen) or not, and where you can be on video (or not). There are also phone-in meetings and email meetings - details are at the official al-anon website.
Typically, in Al-Anon, we only offer our own ESH (experience, strength & hope). The exception is if there is fear for safety or abuse, then we would suggest you leave and find shelter immediately. I can suggest that you (and I and all) deserve a healthy, happy life and home. I can suggest that you have the right to take steps necessary to 'get there'. I certainly do recommend you connect with Al-Anon, in the hopes of helping you process and heal from the effects of this disease. It's considered a family disease as it does reach out beyond the drinker and affect most others who live with or love them.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, which has no cure. I found my way to a much better journey by working on me in Al-Anon, and it's been hard work but worth it. Please keep coming back and know that you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Dragon fly and welcome to the board. Glad to have you here and looking forward to you getting better; growing in sanity and serenity.
Reading your post I agree that you could have also done my own.
When I came to understand that most of the difficulties in my life were the result of alcoholism from birth and both sides of my family I have come to understand what it was and why it did what it did. I couldn't even pronounce alcoholism when I first got here. I was born and raised in Hawaii where we drank because we could and it wasn't a real problem until the police and courts became greater problems.
I came to understand more and then most after following up on the program suggestions of getting a sponsor, attending meetings often, getting and reading the literature and then I got into college and stayed until after graduation I became a BHT...Behavioral Health Therapist working in the system.
This is a incurable family disease and can only be arrested by total abstinence. If not arrested with total abstinence it often results in death. Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with as your story says. It is a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body.
I've been in recovery for 42 years and do not stray far from the program as I know that for me compulsions come at will whether I like it or not and others will suffer from my consequences if I am not IN THE PROGRAM. So welcome. Come listen and learn and ask for help and then practice what is suggested.
