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I posted this on another thread/topic...and thought I would post it here...
I sometimes describe the period of life when my wife was full-blown in the disease of alcoholism as being this wild, volatile roller-coaster ride. My wife and I were on this wild ride together, sitting next to each other. It was super-fast, had endless sharp twists and turns, lighting fast, upside down, round and round, hard and fast turns and curves, up, down, back and forth, never knowing which way was up, which way you were going, and on and on. It was brutal. It was a more volatile and wild ride than I could have ever imagined.
Then, during various brief moments of respite, I would turn to my wife and ask her, eventually begging her, pleading with her...I would say "Let's get off this roller coaster. Please, please, don't you want to get off? Let me explain to you why we should get off. I can't fathom, not one millimeter of comprehension, why any normal, healthy, coherent, reasonable, stable person would not want to get off this roller-coaster. I would ask, plead, beg, threaten, negotiate, try to control, force, I would solicit support from people to have them help me convince her to get off, that she should want to get off, anything I could do...I did. For I can't tell you how many years, we were on this roller-coaster. It was horrible. It was worse than anything I could have ever imagined. Now, side note you, your spouse, child, parent, sibling, whoever, if your life is not like that, I am happy for you. I hope it never gets to the point of what I described above. However, as much as you can't and won't believe it...it might...why? Because this is an cunning, baffling, insidious, progressive, unique, and enigmatic disease.
Shockingly, what confused me more than I had ever been confused before...my wife did not want to get off the roller-coaster!!! Sometimes, she enjoyed it! Sometimes, she denied that we were even on a roller-coaster. Sometimes she said it was fun. Sometimes she said the ride was normal, not that bad. Sometimes, she blamed me, said I was exaggerating, making a big deal out of nothing. Sometimes she said I was the only one who thought the ride was bad, that bad, etc. There were numerous consequences to being on this roller-coaster!!! It was take an entire separate portrayal to even speak to some of them, but there were consequences.
Eventually -- I was able to get off the roller-coaster. Long story, long journey getting there, but I was able to!!! I was relieved. I got my life back.
So, I got off the roller-coaster. I was now standing, watching, observing my wife on the roller-coaster. I was on the platform down below, on the ground, where people get on and off the roller coaster. When the roller-coaster would come around, and shoot by me, occasionally I was ask her to get off. Even on more of a rare occasion, I would beg or plead. But whenever she would complain, question, accuse, whatever, about the roller-coaster ride...I would say to her...I am sure you'll figure it out. I would politely say, your ride, your decision to stay on it, you figure it out.
However, there was an interesting, very perplexing, dynamic that occurred...While I was standing there, on the platform...sometimes, when the roller-coaster would speed by...my wife would reach out and try to grab me...and pull me back onto the roller-coaster ride!!! Sometimes she'd ask. Sometimes she'd grab me. Sometimes she'd beg me, goad me, manipulate me, con me, guilt me, seduce me, she would do whatever she could and would to get me back on the roller-coaster.
But...there was a more shocking, dangerous occurrence that developed...something I never would have expected, understood, something I still don't believe happened...something I could have never imagined...something very, very strange...something very, very dangerous...sometimes...when the roller-coaster would speed by...sometimes...I WOULD OFFER AND I WOULD VOLUNTEER...TO GET BACK ON THE ROLLER-COASTER.
Then...I found recovery.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I have always gotten motion-sickness on roller coasters. I can count on one hand the ones I can ride without ill effects.
I finally decided to get off my adult-life coaster, and have chosen not to keep getting back on. It was the right decision for me.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I most certainly ran a big rollercoaster for a long time. I have had to work really hard not to get on it. I know where it goes. If i have friends who are alcoholics I have gone out of my way to distance myself from those relstionships
My own roller coasters have been hard enough for me to deal with
The irony is when I was staying with the former roommate he asked me to stay in there. After all I went through in the last saga of living with him for a few hours I actually entertained it seeiously.
Needless to say my former roommate was furious that I tiurned down his proposition.
Furthermore as he is so self absorbed he was not that interested in my reasons for choosing to go back to my aoartment. He hever will be.
I most certainly have to have better boundaries. I also have to put my self care as a priority. One of the reasons I chose to go to stay with the now former roommate was because of my dog. My dog was fine. He loved the bachyard. On the other hand my stsy was terrible a complete and utter disaster. Clearly my needs had to be as important as my dogs. They were not
I am accustomed to discounting my needs i need to move to a place were my needs have some priority. I am not there yet. I at least have an idea now why I keeo outting myself in those situations. I discount my needs compulsively. I put everyone else including the dog ahead of myself.
Maresie
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I don't have to "deal" with someone if they are toxic, not healthy, not good for me. I don't have to let them "in" my life...and I don't have to allow them to live rent-free in my head. I sweep, keep clean, and focus on my side of the street. I focus on me. Not the other side of the street, I don't sweep it, look at it to see how dirty it is, or clean, and I don't even focus on it. An unhealthy, toxic person, what they are doing, why, how, what they are saying, when, why, all of it...is none of my business.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Bo, thanks so much for your great share and unfortunately, most of which I can relate to. One of the most helpful lessons in alanon is learning that my experience is not unique. Many have my same story. Oh the begging and pleading I used to do. Not something Im proud of. I was just trying to survive and of course did not really learn how to, until program. I watch the rider now, but no longer participate. Its something my spouse actually dislikeshow much Ive changed. I love my changes! And I will continue to heal and grow by the Grace of God and the help of my entire alanon family, near and far. Lyne
The roller coaster as I came to understand and call it included lots of associates who use to ride it with us because with some they were paid to and many others who lived amongst us and family. How could they not and how could they not also attempt to rescue us and give us instruction and suggestion of how not to. My entire neighborhood often had as simple explanation without knowing about the disease. "They're crazy!!" And yes we were. During the amends process, the amends steps I learned a lot about how "they" played their parts without knowing what was really going on. Just using the term "They're Crazy" was enough to satisfy as they rode with us, up and down, round and round. The doctors, police, judges, aunts and uncles, employers and much were kept on the ride for years until the change in thinking, feelings, understanding, behaving came with the program fellowship and steps and traditions and college and more.
Ours truly is a compulsive insane coaster which cannot be eternally fixed...."compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body". I am beyond grateful for all the ESH I have been given over the last 42 years.
The definition of sanity for me is exquisite; "The continuous and orderly process of thought". That one is important for Jerry F as is the definition of in-sanity..."The continuous and DIS-orderly process of thought" which often used the down slope of the ride.
Our program works miracles which we can see, feel, and pass on to others. I know where the roller coaster is located and I don't ride it near as often as I use to live on it.
Yes I like the analogy of a rollercoaster, it's very apt for the description of my life at the moment.
Being in the current corona virus situation has been really hard, I've retreated quite a bit as being stuck in the same house as my A isn't healthy for my brain, my mental health has taken a battering over the last few weeks and thank god the restrictions are lifting.
I'm fortunate that in my job (IT related) I can work from home - so I've been camping off myself into daughters bedroom where I've got my work laptop set up (small house). Daughter seems OK but the schools being closed is a PITA.
My A has been off work recently with stress and anxiety and has got into some issues with absence, had to go to a meeting with work and a union rep recently, returning back to work in a couple of weeks thankfully.
After a couple of incidents last week I've limited my interactions to a total minimum, I've barely communicated with her and have no wish to quite frankly. I don't think I've exchanged more than 5 words in the last week - and quite frankly that's the way I prefer it.
I'm just exhausted.
2 more years until I can get off this rollercoaster. I'm already looking at places to rent. I can't wait to be free of this prison, the A doesn't want to change, makes no effort so she can deal with her own life on her own, I won't be around to have mine ruined anymore. If she sinks, so be it, if she dies, so be it, if she has a serious health problem, so be it - it's within her power to change that. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.
It has taken my 3 years to get off the ride. In the beginning my AH, children and I were all on the ride in the mistaken belief that he was keeping us on it. And I shouted and screamed so much that I wanted to get off, but just kept on riding it. Then I realised it wasn't him keeping me on - it was myself. But I still rode the coaster - still with all of us on board and still with me screaming that I wanted to get off. Now at last, I got off the coaster and the children came with me. Now we just wait patiently by the side while he continues to ride it. And we don't watch him - we enjoy what else there is to offer.
Lock down has been hard in so many ways being with an AH who is out of work and in the house the whole time unless he is out buying supplies. But while I would never wish this lockdown (or Covid) to have happened - I am proud of the way I am handling living with an active alcoholic 24/7. No more shouting or screaming. Just me and the children living our lives, detached and for the most part serene.
Love and hugs to everyone who is riding their own personal roller coaster. ((( )))
I did not exactly have a roller coaster with the now ex roommate. Nevertheless the COVID 19 crisis did indeed make everything harder. We have no training in pandemics.
Personally I do not do thar well in the pandemic. I tend to get extremely frustrated. Everything is delayed. Patience is a hard one for me.
There are only a certain amount of stressors I can deal with at any time
My home stressor has been greatly alleviated. I have orivacy, resoite and some sense of agency. I now know I have a tendency to abdicate on my needa. I have to adjusr my schedule next week because I have over scheduled.
I have abandonment issues when i am around an alcoholic. Now I am looking at that I am the one who #abandons# me in those relationshios. I am the one who does not engage in self oreservation (i have some skills in that regard); i.am the one who makes the alcoholic the focus off my entire life. I need that focus. I do not need to give away my life agency to someone else.
Maresie
Sitting with me and my computer is a small and powerful Al-Anon hand out which I have had for years and which helped to erase the projection of the next hill and valley on the ride. It is titled JUST FOR TODAY. It was and is about the best piece of literature we have in the house. Give it a read and report back for yourself. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Saturday 13th of June 2020 08:34:01 PM
It has taken my 3 years to get off the ride. In the beginning my AH, children and I were all on the ride in the mistaken belief that he was keeping us on it. And I shouted and screamed so much that I wanted to get off, but just kept on riding it. Then I realised it wasn't him keeping me on - it was myself. But I still rode the coaster - still with all of us on board and still with me screaming that I wanted to get off. Now at last, I got off the coaster and the children came with me. Now we just wait patiently by the side while he continues to ride it. And we don't watch him - we enjoy what else there is to offer.
Lock down has been hard in so many ways being with an AH who is out of work and in the house the whole time unless he is out buying supplies. But while I would never wish this lockdown (or Covid) to have happened - I am proud of the way I am handling living with an active alcoholic 24/7. No more shouting or screaming. Just me and the children living our lives, detached and for the most part serene.
Love and hugs to everyone who is riding their own personal roller coaster. ((( )))
Thank you so much for your share/post!!! You are so right, at first, I would have sworn she was keeping me on the ride. I said -- at least five thousand times -- "I am a victim" when in fact "I was a volunteer". Yes, I volunteered to stay on the ride, long after I realized she wasn't making me stay on it. I was unhealthy! I didn't know I could get off, and I didn't know how to get off. That's the difference between the alcoholic and the loved one of the alcoholic. I love how you say you "we don't watch him" and you enjoy what else is there for you. I love it!!!
I've found, detachment -- real detachment, done properly, healthy, etc. -- absolutely leads to peace and serenity.
Thanks again BT.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Bo, I love that analogy. I feel like Im off the ride, but still in that spinning phase you feel when you get off a ride. You cant quite walk straight, things are out of focus. You try & steady yourself & get back your orientation to the world around you. I once had a counselor tell me you can become addicted to chaos. I believe thats me. And Im trying to break that addiction. I used to love roller coaster rides as a kid. So much adrenaline; no fear. I believe I loved the same way. Addicted to that person that was in need of saving. I dont do roller coasters now for I know everything that can go wrong; & I lm there with my addict. Outgrowing that sense of danger & the rush that comes with it. Safety & security is what I now desire. Thats the most difficult part of where I am. Broken trust & no safety or security. Im just trying to steady MYSELF regardless of whats spinning in or around me.
I would agree with Bo I was definitely a volunteer
There is some pull for me with the chaos and upheaval. For some reason I was also in the market for manipulation too.
I know people who.are alcoholics. The maintenance supervisor at the apartments. When I see him I make a point of distancing from him. There are other people imcluding my ex roommate. I have to go to his house tomorrow. I go when he is not there
My own family of origin was chaotic. I had to get uncomfortable about being in that sitiation
For me so much of leaving the alcoholic is about getting really uncomfortable in situations that are very familiar to me
I also had to be willing to be aware. Awareness is very painful. However without awareness change does not hapoen
Holy Moly!!! BO that was one HELL of a share....been there..done that....the latest one was my former roommate who was neither an alkie or druggie, just sick and dysfunctional....
she HAD to have chaos and drama in her life and when I would put my foot down and set the boundary and enforce it , she would "settle down" for a bit then VAROOM back to the ole chaos and drama....I saw it was a pattern and did the eviction letter....she cried...pleaded...begged me to give her another chance and I said that she had used up her chances....(3 of them) and I don't even give TWO many times, but our pastor talked me into THREE in all....that was it.....I want my peace and serenity and will pay the price of less income, needing to work more....I want my PEACE...
I used to be a drama/chaos queen as well..life was scary when it was quiet and peaceful....growing up, we were always waiting for the next violent outburst..the next injury, the next horror show and so I got "addicted" to chaos and drama...it was all I knew and I drug it with me when I ran away for good..I kept repeating the misery I was running away from...
then , thanks to surrendering to program steps and slogans et al and now , fully, to my God, I DONT WANT anything to do with chaos and drama of ANY kind...I mean NONE of it...
I am so grateful that I've changed to the person I am now and life can only get better with my HP and my program...and that is so great to think about and it gets easier to do my grateful list....
I know before I got really married into program and really surrendered to steps 1,2, 3, I woudl just keep dragging my negative patterns with me as I would leave a job, or end a relationship or whatever....I had to change WITHIN me to change my outsides and I am doing that...
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