Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Gretel · Member

A different person.

JerryF · ~*Service Worker*~

Gretel I was taught that I did the program for me and she for herself and at times were found ourselves on the same footing as rockets burst in clear air. My alcoholic/addict was an alcoholic/addict when I met her and I knew nothing about what that was...she was who she was and became a woman I later came close to killing with my own two hands and her perceptions and feelings about me also changed dramatically and she searched for other relationships to accommodate her disturbed needs which never changed anything.

Amazingly when she finally got clean and sober and I was in recovery for a few years and we were separating we loved each other deeply without need to be married at all. We were fine and healthy as we were and still in loving condition. I left and went home to Hawaii and she?? I am back in the town where our calamity started and went on and still hope she is being blessed without a deep desire to find out. HP takes care of that condition.

Yes we become different as they need to in order to continue on in a life we love living. Keep coming back ((((Hugs)))) aww biggrin

-- Edited by JerryF on Tuesday 2nd of June 2020 12:09:31 PM

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Gretel - My A(s) are not the same person they were before. As you pointed out, neither am I. It took me a while in recovery to learn to let go, truly let go and not throw the past up in the air to see where it landed. What I believe is that the God of my understanding wants me, you and all to truly be happy, joyous and free. I believe it is the bondage of self that keeps us stuck - in pain, in the past, in resentments, fear, etc. My sponsor (and my brother Jerry above this post) always remind me to consider Why Not Me? I tend to project negatively still as a first response to 'life', 'issues', etc.

Today, instead I just Pause and Pray before I Proceed. This has served me so well for so long that it's become the most natural response I have. When I just pause, I remember to pray and the next right thing that comes from me is so, so improved over before. I have always had a short fuse for others taking my inventory which I view vastly different than offering constructive feedback. What I've learned in recovery is that so, so often my best response in no response. I do not need to ever defend who I am to another person - I am doing 'life' for me with HP and that is really good enough!

If you would have asked me 5 or 10 years ago if I would ever golf with my husband, I would have laughed in your face. I hated the game, thought it stupid and he is a scratch player. Well - for a reason I don't even entirely understand, I did start golfing 3 years ago to replace softball because I am aging and even though I am horrible at it, he asks me to play 3-4 times a week! I'm still new enough to the game that I get nervous, which is just funny to me because we've been married for 29 years and I've never been 'uncertain' about anything!

10 years ago (maybe less), if there had been a gun in our home, I am quite certain I would have used it. And, I was in recovery but I had not yet fully stopped fighting everything and everyone. When I fully surrendered, and stopped worrying about what was best, what was right/wrong, etc. and just focused on me and being present, everything changed. I just really want joy and do what gives me joy and arguing or judging or gossiping or worrying do not bring me joy!

So - we are all different. I have sadness at times and still grieve for what I 'feel I lost' but can quickly talk it out with my sponsor and remind myself what I feel deep down - the best is yet to come! Keep doing what you're doing, leaning into recovery and trust that more will be revealed - that's certainly worked well for me. Authenticity is one of many priceless gifts of recovery and I'm grateful for it!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Gretel, only you can decide what you want. If the person is not the same, you decide. If parts of the person are still there, you decide. Whatever happens, you decide. Just because someone else likes chocolate, doesn't mean you can, have to, or will like chocolate. It also doesn't mean you can find chocolate bearable or tolerable. But you can decide if you will, want to, can, and so on.

Time takes time. Little by slowly. One day At A Time...Remember, One Day At A Time...is what the program teaches us. Make the most of today by focusing on YOU.

All the best.

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Gretel))))

Yes, I have experienced this. First time after my spouse came out of 90 day rehab for meth. I saw many glimpses of the man I married while he worked his program. One of the reasons I allowed myself to think he could return to the home and be a great father to his young kid. But there was some brain damage remaining, just not always evident, and not a deal-breaker for me.

7-8 years later, his brain was entirely "pickled" from alcohol abuse. He was not the same person. Yet, even with a year rehab under his belt, still felt that we could pick up where we left off. It took me a long, long time to accept that his "version" of our last years together could never be what my "version" was!! He had forgotten years of memories, and acted like the things he did and said never happened. The key for me was that he also wanted me to feel that way as well!! I did not have the "advantage" of a chemical substance to magically make them all go away!

There was a lot of resentment until I did the scientific research into the addicted brain and accepted that this was who and what he was. I had to come to terms with not wanting that in a partner... I dealt with a ton of guilt for feeling that way. My Al-Anon sponsor, a therapist, and the fine people here helped me to value myself and my needs.

Wishing you peace, and clarity of thought as you move through your journey of healing!

&

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene