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Hey everyone. I'm going to make a long story short.
February 28: my son had a weird episode while driving where his BP dropped causing him to nearly black out and the subsequently had a panic attack from this episode.
Turns out it was because he was unclear of the doctor's order from 2 days prior where she told him to take Milk of magnesia for some constipation. He then drank an entire bottle and suffered potassium and electrolyte imbalances which put him in the ER for fluids, etc.
He then couldn't get his body righted. Panic attacks daily, fear of driving, more health anxiety, and then coronavirus news and the loss of his part time job (which paid him quite well).
He is 21 and was relatively self sufficient. He lives with me but did his own thing and was going back to school for web and graphic design but now we're at a stand still. He still has vertigo, brain fog, memory issues, and vision disturbances after this whole episode. He's been to an eye doctor, cardiologist, and then a neurologist and got an MRI of his brain, as well.
He has started with a new counselor for the panic, he takes control of his health, but he keeps complaining about breathing issues, lack of energy, etc. I assume he's depressed.
His neurologist was concerned about the MRI because he said my son has black areas in his brain and asked us about damage at birth. he said the MRI looks like a person's who has cerebral palsy, not the functioning adult he met in the office. He was very surprised to see the MRI and then compare it to the person he met.
So, I knew he had brain issues. He wasn't breathing when he was born and we both were near death. It's one of the reasons I don't push him out of the nest. He learns differently than most and he has memory issues (mostly short term) where he struggles to retain instructions and follow through, which can be a problem in the workforce.
I'm dealing with guilt these days. I live my own life mostly. I'm gone on the weekends and like to work out and I'll be back in the office in a few weeks. But, I feel guilty leaving him so much. He's 21, why do I struggle with this? He isn't reaching out to his old friends, that's on him. He isn't doing his photography anymore, that's on him. I used to be his cruise ship director, so to speak, but I am tired of doing that and I know he needs to find his own way, but a part of me feels guilty for leaving him alone so much.
Help me out here. He's a good guy but his health anxiety and self esteem issues are draining me mentally and going to my bf's house over the weekend is a respite for me. I wish I could help him more but I can't and he knows it and even tells me to go ahead and live my life. I still struggle with guilt. Sigh! Any words from my wise Al Anon tribe here would be greatly appreciated!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I had issues- like this Andromeda. I had sleep apnea. Not the usual kind- due top weight issues. But the kind due to stored trauma.
In the clinic they tested me- and my BP was down to 37. They got a bit of a shock and took me to a bigger test thingee... the walk up the corridor pushed the BP up to 53.
What I found through this process was that I was panic breathing- all the time, really. Including in my sleep.
I was not diagnosed or referred- but I went to a physiotherapist and took her 30 day course. Breathing from the diaphragm.
It did take me a while. I suffered from gross neglect and pneumonia as a kid. The pneumonia was not treated.
So that was my breathing norm. I could not run, nor exert myself properly- right through my life until now.
For the first 6 to 8 weeks I coughed up heaps and heaps of gunk. Phlegm.
I still do this regularly- never having learned, in reality, how to clear my throat.
One of the side effects of doing this was that I lost my suicidal thoughts.
Free, at last...! ...fact is that I was actually drowning inside of my own lungs- in my belief anyway- ...
Not sure if this has any bearing on what your son is going through. But this is my ESH.
I do believe that anyone with adult child, or trauma issues, should be given a breathing function test!
Ma'am I do feel for what you are going through now. Take care!
{{{{Andromeda}}}}, I'm sorry your son had a medical emergency -- that must have been so scary. I don't have specific experience with that, but I do with my adult son who was similarly stalled in his life, in his 20's, with anxiety and depression. It was one of the most difficult things I've dealt with, I felt so powerless, and did not know what to do. I kind of stumbled through it and looking back, I can see what worked and what didn't.
We all know that nagging and controlling, worrying and panicking, don't work. I found that I could not be his boss, teacher, therapist, cruise director, etc. -- and I don't believe in helicopter or tiger-mother parenting -- but on the other hand, I could not just do nothing. It turns out, there was a certain kind of "doing nothing" that helped. I became kind of a guide on the side -- or as I describe it, an "emotional support dog" -- and tried to support him just by being there while he did things that got him moving.
I paid for him to see a career counselor who helped him with his resume. This was expensive, but well worth it, because it wasn't me giving the advice.
Then he was job-searching, which these days is done mostly online and is a terribly frustrating process. As he sat at the computer going through job listings and submitting applications, cover letters, resumes -- I sat next to him while he did it. I said very little, and didn't give advice unless asked. Mostly I just sat there (hence the "dog" reference). He did trust me to edit his cover letters, because my profession gives me that skill, but that was the only input I gave. We set a time every day or two to sit together at the computer and he would apply to one or two jobs. This continued when he was living out on his own. We did job-searching sessions together on Skype video, and he would share his screen so I could see what he was doing. Mainly, again, I just sat there. Those were some long hours, I gave up other things to do it, even my favorite yoga classes -- and I don't regret a minute of it.
I did offer him a choice in when we would sit together, but not an open-ended choice. I would ask if he wanted to do it at 7:00 Wednesday or 8:00 Thursday, and he would choose one of those times.
During the process, we found out about some free job training programs for low-income people, which he qualified for. These were helpful in getting certifications for technical skills and also for being in a structured program with others who also needed some help to get moving on a job or career. I did the same sitting-next-to routine when he was taking online practice tests for the certification exams, watching him over Skype -- and believe me, that technical stuff made no sense to me, so there was no way I could give advice even if I wanted to -- I was just sitting there and being present.
I had no way to see how this would all work out. I was feeling my way in the dark. It was very much One Day At A Time, and I didn't even have Al-Anon then. But today my son is in his 30's, lives in his own home that he purchased, and has a job that is a good fit for him. And we have a good relationship. Is everything perfect? No. But it is more than good enough, and all I did was sit there!
We all learn differently, and I believe that all kinds of temperaments and styles can be of service and value in this world. I remember seeing a documentary about the man who started the television news program "60 Minutes." A successful executive, he had ADD, and so he wanted to produce a show where each segment is no longer than 15 minutes -- the longest he could pay attention for. That show is still on the air after many decades. I hope your son finds something that uses his natural gifts, and he doesn't have to struggle to be someone he is not.
-- Edited by Freetime on Friday 29th of May 2020 07:43:43 PM
(((Andromeda))) - I too am sending tons of love and support your way. Both of mine, now 26 & 28, have diagnosed Depression and Anxiety. Both of mine also self-medicate(d). Both have stalled and have stop/starts, and that may be how it goes - their story is unfolding.
What I do know is I've taken this program, the steps and the tools and applied to to other areas of my life and it's worked well for me. Foremost for me, as I grew in my own recovery was the perpetual concept of unconditional acceptance. Many times (medical issues aside), my worry stemmed from my own expectations of/for them. I had to come to a place where my ultimate dream for them was happiness, health and freedom from bondage of self, just as I want for myself and all.
I'm so sorry that he ended up in the hospital and continues to have troubles. That just magnifies 'life' for me - when I physically don't feel well. I have had to remind myself daily that there is no playbook for a pandemic and everyone, every single person I encounter, is affected in one way or another. These are truly difficult times for all so I focus daily on Let it Begin With Me.
Hang in there! I know that each of my boys at earlier ages/stages, suggested that adulting was not fun and was hard - if this is what it is, I am not a fan type of thoughts. I believe it helped them for me to just remind me that this too shall pass - we all have a unique value and contribution we bring, and being open to what that might be helps us eliminate that which it is not.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For me I walk a fence, my experience with my oldest specifically has been if it's something he can do for himself I let him. If he asks me for help we talk about it. Whatever I choose to do or not do I need to do with my side of the street clean. That means, give without strings and don't do without the parenting guilt. He should know he can always come to me and I will do my best to sit and just listen. I have gotten better at doing over the past year specifically.
If it brings resentment or control issues out in me it's probably better I steer clear. My son is an adult and he can make his own choices .. I don't have to agree with them, I don't need to point out that I don't agree with him especially if he hasn't asked, usually I just nod. My youngest is way wise, when I nod his response is .. you don't think it's a good idea .. and I say some lessons are better learned with experience and leave it at that. My youngest being a minor I do exert a little more yah not a good idea because I really pick and choose what mountain I'm willing to die on with him. He's my kid big time. He needs to learn some stuff on his own. I have bumper rails with him. No you can't go to 7/11 at 9pm in the middle of a pandemic and riots happening across the nation. He fusses and I say when you are paying your own way, you can do what you want, as of today I am responsible for you at 16.
I had to come to a point of how much is to much "help" and as you know I went through a lot of parenting curves with my oldest and he's doing very well at this point.
Big hugs again, listening and knowing your own child is paramount because learning to adult comes in all sizes and levels of maturity. Parenting curves are different, as there is no what to expect when XYZ happens book .. our kids aren't perfect and I notice that I had this expectation that my kid was going to be perfect. I can tell you how that worked out for both of us .. it's been a tough go. He's doing well and I'm proud of who he is and how he's grown into himself.
It really sounds like your son has a lot already on his plate.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
From what you all have shared, I guess I feel like I'm doing the best I can. I try my best to not PARENT, but to just stand with him as he makes decisions and I offer suggestions. He listens and sometimes applies what I suggest, other times it's probably in one ear and out the other, so to speak.
I am just struggling with guilt. Like I should be able to do more and spend more time with him, but he's exhausting to be around. Some days are better than others.
As for his breathing, I truly believe he's learned improper breathing technique from the panic breathing he had been doing and I did try to teach him diaphragmatic breathing, like I used to teach in yoga. He can't see to grasp the concept and probably needs to try harder. I told him to go to his allergist to check his output and get his allergies re-evaluated. He still hasn't done that but he has been playing tennis for 2 hours a few times a week and survives, so I assume he's doing better in general.
Right now, he's planning on getting his certifications for UX website design. He already is very proficient in most Adobe applications, but he has no practical or life experience to use on a resume for it. He also practices coding for an hour or so a day to keep himself busy. He really isn't a social person and it drives me crazy that I'm the most social relationship he has. I wish he talked to other people more. Maybe I just feel burdened by being his confidante and mom?
My bf knows what I'm going through and is really supportive and reminding me that my son has come this far with all the challenges he's had so far. He reminds me that, as IAH said above, this will pass and my son will move forward sooner than later, most likely.
My son wants to move to Denver or another city. He wants to do a LOT of things, but he seems stalled because of his health issues and his mental health issues, as well. I guess it just hurts my mom heart to watch him struggle while most of his peers are moving so much smoother through their young adult lives. I wish he could just get a break: a break from his own anxious mind, a break from his physical issues, etc.
Thank you all for responding. I am just struggling as a mom who wants for her son what he wants for himself; autonomy and a confident demeanor and the ability to self love. His self esteem is in the toilet and he admits he needs to learn how to walk through all that. I am his cheerleader, his mom, his confidante, etc all during the week and I need a break so my weekends with my bf are my respite. I feel like that's OK but I still guilt myself for not being around every day. I just know that when I was 21, I barely talked to my parents and was pretty independent. I didn't have time for self pity, assessing my mental health, etc . A part of me is happy that my son is able to take time to address these things at his young age because it took me a lot longer to find healing. Maybe he will find healing sooner and will flourish? That is my hope.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Is there a Center for Indeendent Living where you are. I have found that group really helpful on learning what I qualifed for. I have a number of disabilities.
Cumulatively they add up.
For me recently I have come to see how my people pleasing put me in the worst place. I felt that I should always be available.
I ended up very ill because I did not nuture myself. Rather I ended uo completey exhausted too. Therefore i have had to recognize that without self care I am not going too far.
Maresie
Maresie, that is exactly what I'm trying to avoid for myself. I spent 20 years with my alcoholic husband being his emotional dumping ground, his cheerleader, his support, and I never took care of myself and I paid the price. Mostly I suffer with exhaustion trying to be there all the time for people when they need to be there for themselves. It's not as bad with my son as it was with my husband, but I do not want to go down that road again.
As for the Independent Living. I should look into that or have my son do some research as well. His disabilities are documented and viable, so that's a great place to start. I have no idea what our state offers, but I can certainly check it out.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
The center for I ependent liviing was first set up.in Berkeley CA. That group.knows of all the other groups in the country
One of my former friends was particularly adept at getting help..
There are services out there. They have equipment that can be loaned.
I.most certainly have the mouth breathing issue that your son appears to.have. There was an item on Fresh Air recently reviewing a book.called Breathe. I have asthma. I know some of that is about being exposed to second hand smoke.
I believe now a lot of it is related to mouth breathing
I have struggled all.my.life with multiple disabilities. I.have to say I kearned to hide then as best I.could. When I.starrted to address those issues earlier this year zi was alreafy under a great deal of stress.
I did not have the resources to deal with it.
Coming out of denial and secrecy is hard going.
Maresie
((((((((((((((((((((((((((Andromeda))))))))))))))))))))))))) I can't add much to the great ESH you already got, but it looks to me that you ARE doing your best without crossing into Coda land and forsaking yourself for one who CAN do SOME stuff for himself...Seems to me you are doing very very well with the challenges before you....Sending you love and hugs of support and I am glad you see that you need to take care of you....I always tell myself when I see me going near that Coda rabbit hole, that if I don't take care of me, who will??? and if I don't take care of MY needs first, I am useless to the ones I can help........hang in there....and yea, first the virus, now the rioting, looters who probably are thieves anyway, stealing and damaging property, its soooo toxic "out there", I an introvert anyway, and all this crap does not help me want to change.....I have my few close loved ones and good clients and church mates, etc., and we are all just in shock over how this year is going......hang in there my friend!!!! Take care of you...Easy does it (on yourself and your obligations) and Keep it simple...........BIG HUGS
(((Andromeda))) - I fundamentally do believe that this pandemic has thrown most for a loop! From all that I've read, many of those with mental health issues are really struggling. I share simply because part of his 'stuckness' may be coming from the outside. My youngest moved out 3/1 and we were not certain what the lock-down and social distancing would do to his job. He was fortunate to be considered essential and stayed actively working.
I have a friend who did get caught up in a downsizing the 2nd week of March. She's still not seen a dime of unemployment. It is causing her extreme stress and is well beyond her control. It is at times like this when I feel the best I can do to be of service is to listen and just 'seek to understand'...
It's really, really difficult to walk that fine line between being of service and enabling when we're talking about our children. Add a pandemic to the mix, and I believe everyone making it to their pillow one day at a time is a great success and progress. I just try to be gentle with myself and others and trust my program and my HP and focus on just the here/now, one day at a time. I have no doubt that this too shall pass, and you + your son will come through it in a better place! Love and light!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
IAH, yes, we are living in times that are challenging and new to many of us, especially our young adult children. My son has such compassion for other humans that these protests have moved him and I keep forgetting that he's never been through anything like this before. Not even the pandemic, either, just the social unrest has made him emotional.
I know people who aren't able to collect unemployment either. I like the way you said it about everyone making it to their pillow one day at a time being a success. There have been days I, myself, have become overwhelmed with the news and the current events to the point where it starts to strike fear and worry even in my relatively calm soul. I am lucky enough to work for a company where we are doing well and we are growing and extremely busy because of the market fluctuations, etc. My job is safe as is my boyfriend's and we actually are enjoying saving money by cooking at home and not traveling. Mostly we just camp or do day trips for hiking and being out on the lakes. I have taken the time the past few months to reflect on my budget, cut out non-essential spending, and have been working on fixing my diet and getting healthier. I have found that working at home suits me pretty well and I enjoy not putting the miles on my car or dealing with a morning commute.
For now, I have the means to put a roof over my son's head. He is working on his computer designations for website design and Adobe applications. I keep reminding him to be patient with himself. His anxiety and obsessive thoughts are troubling him but I keep reminding myself that I couldn't fix these things for him when he was 11, nor can I fix him now. I can direct him to help, encourage him to join Al Anon, remind him to do the exercises his therapist gives him, and I can listen. But, I can't FIX. I wish I could, but I can't and it frustrates me. I have learned from program, though, that I have to turn him and everyone else over to my Higher Power and that I have to let go.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Oh girl - I hear you!!! It's so, so, so hard to not worry and to let go when it's a child we gave birth to. It took me more practice and prayer than anything else I've encountered so far. I also needed to be reminded that I'm not 'slipping' or 'going backwards' if I worry about the happiness and health of my child - that's being a mother. Worry just comes with the job. I do need to be on guard again obsessing and projecting as that's when the fear creeps in.
It awesome to hear that he's focused on his desire for the website design and Adobe. My best suggestion is to just encourage him as best you can. My sponsor used to suggest that I try to worry like a mother but interact as if it were a friend....practicing trusting them to be adult members of society and being there WHEN they ask. When my youngest was back here @ home, I did have rules and expectations and we fumbled and stumbled some but it went way better than I thought it would, and I got to experience letting go over and over again!
I did have to get 'tough' on a scheduled move-out date. He wasn't happy when I first brought it up because of course he would have to pay rent/adult. Yet, as it got closer and we parted ways in a positive manner (never happened that way before), it's been really good for him. He's going to work, paying his bills and doing his thing.
You're a great mama and you've got a great kid! He's trying to find his way and I have faith it will happen. You've got a great program - keep doing what you're doing and keep letting go. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((((((((((((Andomeda)))))))))))))))) I think you are doing absolutely great with this...I agree with the shares above me....this pandemic THEN the rioting/looting etc., has a lot of us wondering "when is this craziness gonna stop, IF it stops" its like nothing I've ever seen....I had to put limits on how much news I watch..yea, be aware, but set limits on how much of it I want to expose myself to and be triggered by stuff I can do absolutely NOTHING about.....
sorry I got off topic here, I think you are a great mom!!!! loved reading your post....and like IAH said "You've got a great program - keep doing what you're doing and keep letting go" AMEN to that!!!!!
I have not been through a pandemic before. I hope after this we get a pandemic manual.because the response has been trenendously challenging
Of course my life would not have been so challenging if I could have had just ONE thing to deal with. If I could have just had one agenda item. Instead it was all piled up. Living with an alcoholic whose house was an absolute nightmare (I will spare you the details) moving out of my apartment, being laid off, having to find another job, then the crowning glory being sick (sometimes seriously ill).a number pf times.
Lately I have had a new set of challenges in having to move back to my apartnent
Being absolutely swamped was the norm when I was with my qualifier. He had to have a crisis that was normal for him. Then he would somehow try to get me jnvolved with his crisis. He had all kind of hooks to keep me spinning
So I thought my time of crisis black holes was over. A friend of mine said that when he read the dicumentation around the move that it was a complete set up. How right he was. I anticipated problems.
Going to stay with my friend was supposed to be a help. Instead it was a very special kind of black hole that was particularly draining.
I have opted not to talk to my friend about the dusfraceful condition of his house i will try particularly hard never to have to entertain that problem again
I am still swamoed with things to.do about the move back. Every day I have a huge agenda on the to do list. I.am ploughing through it
I envy people who have been able to navigate through this pandemic. For ne it wasva catastrophe to add to a whoke seies of catastrophe's that dragged me to a new form of #bottom#
Maresie
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