The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for Monday, 5/25, explains how denial is a symptom of the effects of alcoholism. In other words, many of us have been living in chaos, worried about our families, full of self-doubt, spiritually, emotionally, and physically depleted, and yet we would pretend everything was just fine. The author states that in meetings, honesty is practiced. So when asked how they were doing, they would ask themself what the real answer is. That freed the author from the habit of denial and gave them choices.
Reminder: How do I feel today? How am I doing? If I can answer those questions truthfully, I am more likely to pursue the help I need and to share the happy times with others as well.
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Before program, my son kept telling me I needed help, and I swear I couldnt see it. If only my A got help, life would be fine, or so I thought. I couldnt see that damage that was being done to me, nor my judgmental attitude, not to mention my thinking on having all the answers. I just couldnt see it. My focus was 100% on my A. So I cant tell you exactly when the light came on, but after some amount of meetings and accepting the frustration that there was no quick fix in the rooms, I settled into acceptance of what I could change. And yes now we all know, I can change me! And I have and will continue to do so. What a huge relief, and enjoyment of life is often and appreciated. Grateful member, Lyne
I remember what I first suspected AH was an alcoholic, I would spend hours googling the causes of his 'symptoms' and seeking anything that didn't suggest it was alcohol. The rare times I found something, invariably a few weeks or months later the same poster would come back and report that they had found the stash of alcohol - so it wasn't diabetes / brain problem / sleep disorder / yeast overgrowth or any of the other myriad of things I convinced myself it could be.
Even once it became apparent it was alcohol, I spent a long time denying that I could do anything to change it. I thought I could control it; that it 'wasn't that bad'; that he could stop if he wanted; that he wasn't really an alcoholic.
But it took me even longer to realise that I was in denial. I told so many stories to cover up to others and to myself how bad it really was and it was only when I started Alanon that I found the honesty and support I so desperately needed to release my own denial. Even then I spent further months in denial - thinking he was OK when he stopped drinking for awhile and even more denial on my part on what was happening within my family. Along with denial came guilt for me - guilt because this wasn't the life I wanted for myself and especially not for my children, but more importantly guilty because I was still denying how unmanageable it had all really become but I was still stuck.
What finally set me free from denial was working the programme and the fantastic support of Alanon which allowed my self worth, self esteem and self belief to rise again to such a level that I could make the changes I needed to make. Thank you Lyne for the reading - it's a grateful reminder of the journey.
Lyne, Thank you for your time and wise words. I really appreciate the Dailies at this time!
Before embracing Al-Anon - when I was still in the thick of living alongside the disease - I would dutifully go to meetings. I 'kept coming back.' 9 times out of 10 I would cry at some point in the meeting (sometimes all meeting, depending on the topic), and if I was asked to share, I wouldn't... I couldn't... I would end up crying too much. Most of the time, that helped fuel my incorrect thinking that somehow I was "wrong"... or "not enough." Not enough to help my spouse, not enough to provide a happy/safe home for my kid, not enough to help me feel sane and secure, not enough to even "DO" this program correctly!
It wasn't until I spoke with an Al-Anon member (who later became my sponsor) that helped me to realize that I was indeed emotionally, spiritually, and physically depleted from the constant pretending that everything was fine. I never really got the connection before, despite hearing it many times. She told me, "I know that in the rooms, we stay away from absolute statements, but I want you to begin to think about ACCEPTING what IS - b/c you need to do this." "It has nothing to do with not being enough." It took her words for me to finally understand that it was the honesty that fueled the crying in meetings. The crying wasn't really about what my spouse was doing with the drugs/alcohol, it was me fighting the honesty to myself!!
For me, I HAD to recognize that I was living in denial, and I HAD to accept 'What is,' before I could move forward. Otherwise, my denial was too strong... I would just continue to "put on my brave face"/paste on that smile, and tell everyone "It's fine," while I slowly died inside.
Today I am able to "check-in" with my emotions... I may not get the answer straight away, but I can fearlessly look at why I am feeling what I am feeling, instead of denying it and sweeping those feelings under the rug (with resentments coming later). Progress, not perfection!
Grateful for my MIP family, and grateful for those people and families who have paid the ultimate sacrifice for my freedoms today.
GIVE.LOVE.LIVE
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I also am grateful for the family specially the ladies and their honesty. Like this morning I can do the literature reading and come to understand and then come here and read your shares and come to understand more. I have learned that men think and feel different than females and simply described it after a time as "age and gender" which became so important to how I saw the picture and decided how to respond to it. Ladies ESH has become alot on better vision for this guy and I express gratitude for it. THANK YOU! ((((hugs))))
Good evening MIP family! I had so much denial that I didn't even know how deep it ran in me. It was so much easier to just trudge through life, blaming others, obsessing when things were chaotic, hiding the dysfunction in me, the home and in others, etc. Getting honest, owning my own stuff and allowing others to own theirs was beyond necessary for me - it was life saving and then life changing.
I am comfortable enough today to tell another when I am hurting, sad, uncertain, confused, joyful, tired, etc. It is refreshing to pause long enough to check in with me and then answer as honestly as I can. I am grateful to say that @ noon today, my voluntary 14 day quarantine ended, and I was excited to have more freedom. We still intend to practice social distancing and stay home as much as possible yet knowing I was able to adhere to 'it' and hopefully not affect another felt good.
I must say that I did have bad news today and I am sad. I know all of my parents friends, some better than others, and one of their friends committed suicide today. He woke up this morning, did not feel well and opted to settle that with a gun. Bill was a quiet, gentle soul who never had a cross word for anyone, at any time. He was a veteran, 91 years old, and opted to take his life instead of visiting a VA hospital or any hospital. To those closest to him, and anyone who would listen, he shared always that he would go out on his own terms instead of a hospital or nursing home or the VA. He did just that, and my parents, cradle-to-grave Catholics are really struggling. I was able to use some of our program to hopefully help them with their acceptance and grieving, suggesting that we don't always have to like what another does or embrace it, but we must accept it if we are to have peace with it.
So - it's been a mixed day. Before recovery, I would have had no issue telling others I had a 'bad day' because of the suicide. Today, (grateful for recovery) I know that my day does not have to be defined by one event. My present is not defined by my past, recent or distant and even while grieving and processing a great loss, I can choose differently. While I was on the phone hearing the news, my AH asked if I wanted to golf - so after hanging up, I dressed for golf and off we went.
I had not been near a golf club or the course for 4+ weeks and started rough but ended better! It was lovely to get outside, enjoy the course, the nature, the birds, etc. and find gratitude in knowing Bill and focusing on the fun times vs. his ending here. I am grateful today for all who gave the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom, as well as all who served and returned as well as those who continue to serve.
(((Hugs))) all - my parents are continuing to recover....One Day at a Time!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((Iamhere)))) I am sorry to hear about the loss of Bill. I can identify, b/c I was also friends with many of my parents friends (having been around them so much as I grew up). My parents are at a time of their life when many of their friends are passing away. I loved how you were able to use your Recovery tools to hopefully give your parents some peace.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
((((((((((IAH))))))))))))))) OH so sorry to read about Bill....and I am grateful that you are out of quaranteen and you are "OK" I learn so much from your posts..I may not "esh" everyone of them, but I DO read and soak up your wisdom you are so generous to share.......RIP, Bill!!!!!!
My BFF told me back in the 80's that I needed help and that she would support me..........I just did not see it and , yea, i knew I hated God, the world, life, most people, but I did not see how bad I was..how damaged I was...I just thought I was cursed by something....my mantra was "life sucks , then you die" I just did not see how bad the abuse had shattered my life until I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired.....
2002 I found a very good incest support group and it helped me greately, but I wanted more of the solution, and because of that, I found Alanon from a friend who was a thriving member and also ACA , both of which he belonged....I even got on Coda......Man!! I needed ALL of it!!!! and I am now able to pay forward all the love and support that I have gotten
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