((((((((PnP)))))))))))))

Thank you oh so much for this post. I really needed to see this one LOL my mantra of old was that life stinks and then you die. I had the most horrible attitude because I had a very horrible childhood and I drug my demons into my adult life with my sick beliefs about myself and about my future and about God and everything. I cannot believe the person I was back then.

I had no good examples all Of my life to show me any different. So I drug my self through life with self-medicating and fantasy and just dissociation from my own self, I, too, believed that the only peace and happiness I would find would be when I passed on so I looked forward to dying. Thats all I wanted to do was wait until I died. It makes me sad to think that that was all I had to look forward to was my death and my release

I had no idea about these 12 step programs that have given me life and hope and new skills with which to take care of myself. Even laid up with my back and my butchered little finger, I am healing and I am finding fun little things to do while I take care of me. My survival skills helped me in the past survive the trauma But I do not need them anymore so I tell them like an old worn out shoe that thank you for your service for me getting me through the darkness but I no longer need you survival skills and so I say goodbye with gratitude. Those old survival skills were necessary at the time. So I say goodbye to them without Rancor or resentment but with A sort of gratitude that they were there when I needed them. My inner children were very creative to have created ways for me to survive

As far as feelings went, the only feeling I could feel and show was anger and it was off the charts and like you say, being hunkered down getting through this virus has created many a gloomy mood but I try to see the positive even in the skin that I have seen lots of love and community caring and sharing in my own neighborhood here where people were forced, sort of, to look at themselves and their lives and to realize that there is nothing more precious than love and kindness and camaraderie, working together and I totally agree with you in that it is all how you look at something that is what is going to create what feelings I have, how I look at something, and therefore I will respond according to the feelings. I have seen a lot of positives in this

I have connected with neighbors that I had not much awareness of before. I value and connect more with my friends and my family of choice and we support each other. Like you said, its all in how I look at it. I dont look at life as a sentence to be served, I see it as life: the ups and the downs and program never promised me a rose garden but it did promise me how to deal with the not so happy moments and even the happy moments to not get so overly attached because they too will pass

I am on my microphone so I hope this post made sense. I really loved what you said here, thank you so much not just for the post but for existing in my life as a fellow recovery mate that I treasure very much