((((Bud)))) I'm sorry for your loss. I can well relate to Great Divides in my own family. I've come to categorize it as a consequence of the disease. When the hurtful stuff happens, it still hurts, sometimes. But mostly I am so grateful to have escaped all the enmeshed insanity of it all. I could never go back to living my life in such a narrow manner with such narrow people. Firstly it would bore me. Secondly it would most likely infect me: family disease. Thirdly, I find it easier to love people who are difficult to love when I'm not forced to participate in their day to day lives. My first loss to Death I was prevented from attending the social rituals of mourning (Polynesian funeral rites are very ritualised). I accepted however that the nearest families needs were deeper than my own ( she was my former mother in law, really beautiful Lady who was kind to me and I loved her), and farewelled her in the stars beside the rugged coastline. I cried for her, spoke my feelings and said my goodbyes. It's a sad reflection on dysfunctional family structures when attempts are made to restrict a family members right to grieve. But remember that you don't need any ones permission to say goodbye. Funerals really are for the living. A ritual to assist with coping emotionally and psychologically. But there's more than one way to say good bye to a loved one, and you need only your own permission to do that. Sending lots of love and comfort your way.

Thank you a4l - Your post was chockfull of resonating reminders. There are times, like this, when I feel sentimental and have a narrow focus. Taking a step back to see the entire picture is important so I don't obsess over things that hurt.

I took a few moments to imagine what it would be like to reconnect and it would be similar - reconnecting with judgmental & controlling people who will only see me as something much less that who I am. I had been judged for not going to a "good enough" school, not getting "good enough" schooling, not marrying a man within my religion, not calling and contacting them on a weekly basis, etc. One of my uncle's mottos was "he who cares the least, wins"

When I stop romanticizing the situation, it is much easier to love them from afar.

I plan to have my own ceremony to say good bye to my Dad's brother. It will be from a place of love and forgiveness. I hope he is in a place where he is at peace. Bonus if there is clarity on truths... but, I know I must turn to my HP for my own serenity and truth. Many thanks!

Thank you Maresie - I've been in Alanon for a long time and am constantly grateful that others understand similar threads of underlying themes. I'm grateful for not feeling so alone. Enmeshment - a term I haven't thought of in a while, resonates. I'm sure I don't know many reasons for the enmeshment or the nature of it... I saw things from a child's perspective growing up... and as an adult, just baffled. The disease is like spreading poison... and this is the aftermath. I'll send flowers and cards, as appropriate. I'm grateful for your pointing out an indication of concern. Many thanks!

{{{bud}}}. Im sorry not only for the loss of your uncle, but for the loss of the years your relatives cannot meet you in the middle. I wish I didnt understand the pain of a fractured family, but I have one too. My sister and my younger brother dont speak. My younger brother and older brother barely speak. My sister and older brother came to hate our mother. My older brother and I struggle but with program Ive been able to have a relationship with him on my terms and my time table. Its not warm and fuzzy but its better than the Cold War. And my son and dtr in law havent spoken to my spouse (A) in over 3 years. I live half time with my spouse and now half time near them so I can have a relationship. Its insanity and crazy making and I have been in the middle of all the relationships. With the help of my sponsor (RIP) I was able to stop trying to force solutions and make nice for everyone. I can only take care of me now and do what I think is the best plan for myself. My A hates that we live half time apart. I understand but Im not giving up my son and his family due to the alcoholic behavior that drove them apart.

You have my heartfelt sympathy. I like your plan to have a ceremony/closure in your own way. Lyne

My family of origin remains enmeshed. My younger sister is a high functioning alcoholic and outwardly succesful (she runs a business). I had some idea that her life might be better until I recently went to stay with the high functioning alcoholic and saw how good he was at hiding Some people have a knack of #looking good#. Enmeshment is typical in alcoholic families and can create what seens to be a unified front rather than a dysfunctional one. I have had my own share of enmeshment. When I was a with the qualifier there was very little separation between us. What he did affected my entire being. I never did get to the point of not allowing him to ruin my Christmas holidays. Why would I permit that? Death brings a finality to the cherished notion that enmeshment can change I have found that the death of someone who was once close to me can allow me some room outside of the scapegoated role I generally get assigned. Death. in some instances, also gave me permission to give up some of the resentments I have nursed for a long time. Those cherished resentments I believe I have already shared that my younger sister maintains a notion that our childhood was a happy one. She was brutally harassed and hounded for being #fat# by my father, regularly beaten with sticks and branches, ostracized at school (because she had no social skills) and generally severely depressed. For some reason my sister has always maintained the notion that some of these issues were my fault and I could have helped her through that horrendous experience. There is one year in age between us. Some people do indeed see their childhood as a happy one when underneath it there are pernicious signs that go along with complete enmeshment and absolutely no individuation in family members. There is nothing really healthy about that.

(((Bud))) - so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Your post where you got news of a passing via text reminds me of a voicemail I got many years ago while at work. My father had shared that my aunt had died, and it literally just stopped me in my tracks. I was not in recovery, but my own response to that helped me learn to 'do better'. I will NOT ever announce bad news in a voicemail or a text - just deserves 'better' so I think.

As much as I wish it were different, there are divides in my family that I have no idea why or how or when or who and I actually did step work on 'it'. I did this with my sponsor simply because as much as I tried to let it go, it just kept coming back up in my mind, in my soul even. For me, there is just something healing and formal about black/white writing/processing. Of course, I ended up accepting that I may leave this earth not knowing or understanding or being part of the solution, and that's where I practice acceptance today. I just truly try to keep trusting my journey, my HP and my program.

I still have those moments where I wish it were different and some wonder on if there's any action I can take. I am a big believer in, 'When in doubt, don't' and live by that religiously only because when I've not, it's backfired, repeatedly. I have chosen to always take the high road and/or no action in the dynamics of my dysfunctional family just because it works out better.

One of the many gifts that recovery has given to me is the choice on how I define family...it's changed and I have friends that I am closer to than family. It's not what I expected growing up yet it's how things have unfolded. My oldest who may/may not be sober has chosen to stop talking to me (as of February) and is keeping my grandchildren from me too. This results from me trying to share my feelings - no advice, no blame/shame, just my feelings about a topic that he asked about. It makes me sad yet I know deep down that my HP doesn't want me to keep going to the HW store for bread, so I just keep my distance and pray about it and for them.

Love and light my friend - I'm so sorry for your loss and how final it feels. My hope for you is that you just breathe and be kind to you today! (((Hugs)))

Obituaries are always up there in euphenisms. No one lived through a lifetime and did not encounter people they did not like. I know there are certain people who do not like me among them some family members. At one time I was pretty preoccupied with that. Now I try to focus on what is next on the list When my mother died a lot of family issues came up including issues with her will. My mother lived a life of chaos abd confusion. That continued after her death. I did not see it like that at the time. Grief support grouos are a big helo in negotiating ambivalence. I am glad you are in touch with your feelings.

Thank you Maresie - Wow - I love how you posed all of thisrereading several times. I can relate to the family abuse and blame and Im so sorry youve experienced this too. I do forgive and hand resentments to my HP when they resurface. Thank you for the supporting details its going a long way for my path to peace.

Thank you 2HP - Id go as far to say that the more heart and effort, the greater their anger. I love how you state communication becomes easier I chose to believe that after people pass, they become more open to different perspectives and truths. I also love the idea that I can, in some small way, contribute towards their peace as well as my own. Im grateful for the program, my HP, and those in my life that are able to show kindness and caring.

Thank you IamHere - voicemail, texts, post-its for important news being treated like a reminder to run a mundane errand. Step work is very helpful. I tried to own my stuff and make amends several times. Im grateful that I have solace that I did all I could. I define my family as my daughter and I. I have a few amazing friends and of course my HP. Im so sorry to hear youre restricted from your grandchildren. I hear your pain. My family is disinterested in my sharing of feelings and any attempt I have made for connection elicits rage. By now, if they cant get angrier, they might have to take a look and own their own words and actions. I thank you for the reminder that I can pray about it and for them. This is a softer support and good approach.

Hey Bud, join the club. I am the only one of my relatives in recovery and they think that I am the lowlife, traitor because I came forward about my abuse...Cousins think I am a "less then" because while THEIR parents were supporting/helping them, MY sire was abusing/killing me....so yea, I didn't "do as well" as those guys.....I cut them out of my life and am happier for it...I have my family of choice...I have gone where the love is....no time for the ones who don't want me...but yea, it hurt at first, but I grieved it out, let go, detached and now I say "God bless" as i walk away to my own life that I am making now....sorry this happened to you..you deserved so much better than that......