Of course for me as a child denial.was absolutely necessary in order for me to survive psychologically. Then I grew up. Negotiating relationships in reality is no.easy business. Negptiating them in denial is a whole other concept. I believe denial gets a pretty bad name in recovery circles like the idea of charactor defecits. Denial is what allows a child to survive so at one point it was a good thing. Then it morphs into an addiction. Many experts believe the roots of addiction are generally in trauma. I was lucky to find the 12 step orograms as a way to navigate through lifting the denial that blanketed me as a child. One of my misguided ideas as an adult was to try to persuade an alcoholic out of denial. I met my younger sister as an adult some years ago and spoke to her about our childhood. Her lifetime alcoholism is partly based on a brutally abuse on many levels she suffered as a child. My sister has an eating disorder which ad an adult became anorexia. As a child she was ostracized for being fat. No one was more cruel about it than my father who constantly harped on how fat she was. He was vicious and extremely cruel. Needless to say she was a very depressed child who struggled to socialize. As teenagers my sister and I went to the same high school. My mother decided that my new role in life was to fix my sisters social problems which were catastrophic. Needless to say that idea did not work out too well. My sister lived a very difficult childhood, discovered alcohol as a teenager and took off. Somehow she has always held onto the notion I could have heloed her as a teenager Since then she rewrote our childhood as a #happy one# On that visit, my sister was good enough to acknowledge the sexual abuse that befell us. That is about as far as she would go. Thar meant a grear deal to me because the valisation from her was something I longed for. In early recovery I bitterly resented that my family firmly opposed my decision to look at the way our childhood shaped us. I felt entitled to have them along on the journey. They have never responded to that notion. Indeed it is pretty difficult to get them to acknowledge much at all in what I would call approaching reality towards my parents and our unfortunate upbringing As an older adult, thanks to al anon (and of course years of therapy) I have become accepting of where they are. I never thought thar woukd be possibke. I now view my compulsive efforts to reform the alcoholic as a way to try to #fix# my family of origin. My qualifier certainly had his own traumatic origin for his addiction. Fortunately I am no longer invested in that relationship. Of course denial is pretty difficult to live around. I discovered that with my new experience with my now ex room mate who I have known for 20 years. However, now I am an adult I can #respond# to those triggers rather than react compulsively towards them. That means I am responsible for my actions at all times. I am sure I will become more successful at this skill the more I do it. I do not doubt I will get a great deal of practice. Denial was certainly essential to me as a child I have to honor that. As an adult the concept of denial became an eternal struggle with others. I have had to come to a place where it is no longer a constant battle to #win#. Thank you so much.for your service to this board.

Happy Sunday MIP! Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thanks to all of you for your shares and ESH. I first heard and faced denial when I arrived at the 'other side' of the table. I absolutely with closed fists refused that I was an alcoholic. I was young, female and did not live under a bridge. Clearly, I had a very, very narrow view of what the phrase 'alcoholic' meant.

It took me a while of attending meetings and many reads of the literature to accept and embrace a wider definition of the disease and the diseased. Flash forward many years, and I faced denial again with this disease in my kids. For a long while, it was easier to accept they were making poor choices than to accept they had a dependency on mind-altering substances. As the disease progressed, that no longer worked because I would have to admit and accept they were lower than dog doo on my shoe! It became easier to accept they had a disease that was affecting them mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

For those of us who love another with this disease, denial takes many forms. Even after accepting they were sick with a disease and not 'bad', I still had to accept I was part of the problem and they were not to blame for MY issues! I fundamentally believed, deep in my being that if they would change, all would be well. I had no desire or inclination to see my part, understand my contribution, change me or who I was.

That 'approach' worked, until it didn't. I was slow to accept and change in Al-Anon and resistant to working another program, until I wasn't. I had a difficult time finding gratitude among all the chaos and drama this disease brings to a family yet could tell you my assets in a heart beat. That was part of my 'problem' - I leaned so heavily on the gifts given at birth that I discounted others, felt I truly knew best and consistently and insistently tried to impose my will on them and others.

I see so many who come to Al-Anon to get better and then others who come to Al-Anon to justify vilifying the Alcoholic in their life. I embraced both when I arrived, and a part of me wanted to be in the latter group but a bigger part of me really wanted the authentic serenity and peace that I saw in the others. They carried themselves with confidence, not cockiness. They shared their own feelings and experiences without blaming/shaming their A and they smiled with their whole body, not just lips. That latter group was more likely to give advice, be rigid in their approach and just way more uptight (who I used to be) - living in constant denial that they had no part to play in how the disease affects them!

I believe the 4th Step really helped me see how I was, why I was and specific patterns that could be modified. I wasn't broken, in spite of wondering, I was just in denial on my own defects. Denial is very, very common and can work for many facing trauma, until it doesn't. At some point, we stand at a crossroads and we 'feel' a need to see reality, choose authenticity and stop looking beyond ourselves for the problem and the solution.

I have no doubt there exists some level of denial in me still. What I love about recovery is it's been true in my journey that more is revealed when I am ready. That's been a gift of humility - if I remain teachable and open, life does keep giving me opportunities to grow and change.

Hope everyone is having a lovely day - I'm on day 6 of quarantine and we've got nicer weather. It's much harder to be a hermit when the sun is shining, the birds are singing and the golf course is calling. I will adhere and I will survive!! Love and light to all!