When my wife decided to go to detox, IOP, rehab, or any other treatment, I got to the point -- when I was in my alanon recovery -- that I didn't "look" at it any longer. She would decide, go, and I would be there for her in a healthy and supportive way, and we were on our way. Let's be honest here, as I am not sure people are...YES, I WANTED IT TO WORK!!! Of course, if I didn't admit that I'd be lying to you, me and everyone. And when it doesn't work, everyone on the planet can tell you that they are OK, at peace with it, they accept it, and so on. Most of them are lying...they just don't know they are lying because they are in denial, oblivious or simply don't know.

That said -- what did I do -- I simply watched who came home. Who was she being? Not what she said, claimed, promised, spoke about...WHO SHE WAS BEING. She went to detox once, decided to come home when it was over, they said she needed rehab, she said she didn't, was able and better served doing it on her own, etc...and that told me all I needed to know. That's who she was being. Words mean nothing...actions mean everything.

Right, maybe it would be different this time...but I am not in denial. Been there, done that, stayed and lived there far too long...left and never going back!!! Don't get complacent. At the first glimpse of "who they were" -- that has nothing to do with out own recovery. At the first glimpse or even first day, week, or month...is that permission for me to stop going to meetings? In my experience...NO!!! Have a bad day go to a meeting...have a good day...go to two!!! LOL.

I don't know if the meanness, nastiness, abusive, ugly behaviors and attributes are -- withdrawal, post-detoxing, dry drunk, or they are drinking again (hiding it obviously) -- but I do know this...it has nothing to do with me. I have my own track to follow. I have my own recovery. The opening of alanon meetings all over the world tell us...You can find contentment, even happiness...WHETHER THE ALCOHOLIC IS STILL DRINKING OR NOT. There it is. While it doesn't say it, it is absolutely true...that doesn't happen because I used to go to meetings. That doesn't happen because I remember the program. It happens when I am in program, in meetings, doing what I need to be doing, and so on and so on.

Look, in your case, he's drinking. Period. There is nothing to debate. You know that. You are normal to be furious. There is nothing wrong with that. If someone points the finger at you because you are furious, so be it. However, when you are going to meetings, regularly, whether things are good or bad, and you are working the program, every day, whether things are good or bad...then...the anger, being furious WILL NOT CONSUME YOU. It will not make you unhealthy!!! There is a big difference between the two!!! Same with betrayed...of course you've been betrayed. This is what alcoholics do. He went to detox...he did not find or want to go into recovery.

If the alcoholic quits drinking for YOU...in all likelihood, they are not quitting. An alcoholic has to quit because they want to!!! Period. They have to want it. They have to have had ENOUGH and have the desire and drive to quit drinking...AND...be in recovery.

Why would he lie to the professional people that are there to help? Because that's what alcoholics do. I hate to say it, but he made his statement and he stated it clearly, and that is, he really didn't want to quit. If he did, he would be doing something very different -- AA, working with a sponsor, working the program, IOP (virtually if applicable), focusing on recovery, and so on. He would be doing, or attempting to do, whatever he needed to do, every single day, one day at a time, ne minute at a time, if need be...to do what he needed to do...to stay sober, to be clean and sober. Even if he did -- and failed -- it would be apparent, obvious. And, to me, in my experience, that's OK. My wife relapsed, numerous times. When she did and tried again, in recovery, I was OK. When she didn't, that told me what I needed to know. But, that is me. What is also me...We have compassion for the alcoholic by and because we work our own program -- whether or not the alcoholic is working their program, whether or not they are clean and sober or not, etc.

I do what I need to do in order to be happy and healthy...independent of the alcoholic. I don't want to be the guy who is fine because my alcoholic is not drinking, but as soon as they relapse, whether it's obvious or they are hiding it, I am now devastated! I do NOT want to be that guy. Too many people's health and happiness is contingent upon whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. That is NOT what the alanon program teaches us. It teaches us the opposite...that we can be happy and healthy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. THAT IS ALANON. That is where I wanted to be...and I got there.

All the best.

-- Edited by Bo on Friday 15th of May 2020 11:51:14 PM

Pain is inevitable...suffering is optional.

I have been around an alcoholic addict who went to rehab and it was really challenging. What is the issue is that we are under this very different kind of stress with the Covid-19. Then what does the alcoholic do but completely abdicate all responsibility. That does not mean I have not been irresponsible in my life I most certainly have. I am constantly reminded of people who are irresponsible. I tolerated a tremendous amount of irresponsibility with my qualifier. He went from being attentive, calm and sweet to a irritable self centered slob. There were cues of course but I did not pick up on those cues because I did not know how to reflect on them. By then I was committed and diligently making a nest because I generally commited early far far too early Eventually my qualifier's only interest was alcohol weed and various illegal drugs and those who shared thaf interest with him. I most certainly had a sense of betrayal, rage and impotence at these recurrent epusoded. Getting to the point where I surrendered was really hard and only possible through al anon. I have been aware recently how well the qualifier could polish up the sweet endearing side of him and bring it out when he wanted to. He was certainly very skilled. He worked on it. Of course my qualifier had a history of prior periods of chaos. He had a way of framing those where it was really not his fault. The blame fell on other people a great deal. Being empathic I felt badly for him. Of course I have also had a penchant for putting the blame for certain periods of my life on circumstances and people. For me in hindsight I wasnt looking for a partner I was looking for someone to commiserate with . The qualifier was certainly adept at that. Detaching is an extraprdinary skill. I am so grateful I got to the point of being able to look at how clearly I did not want to register the cues that were right in front of me. I know that puts a lot of decisions I have made in persoective . I do not know any other group that can help you with detaching, grieving, and processing the very hard place you are at right in front of you than this one. This experience as stringent frustrating and harrowing as it is will bring you to another level in leading a very different kind of life. This is a tough time for everyone but you have a pretty tough time right now.

 

Good Morning all and thanks for being here as I was waking up.  I could or would at another time actually respond with "Oh God not this again" and then my Higher Power either increased His empathy and concern for me or decided He was sick and tired of my moaning and bitching about my  alcoholic/addict wife and every other thing I didn't agree with.  What happened was I experienced the "letting go" HP does, the quiet soft release of tension and concern. It was gone and I sat at my kitchen table totally weightless from shoulders down. I had no concerns and couldn't wish to have any if I wanted to.  I knew that something bigger than I had just happened and calmly came to the realization that this was what it "letting go" was like.  My alcoholic/addict was out of the house so I went thru this with my HP only.  I remember the realization that the "fight" was gone...my fight and I didn't know what else to do.

I had had other positive consequences at times after working some suggestions from others but nothing like this.  I learned that my Higher Power was setting me up for real program recovery so I just let Him. One of the things I learned was that now nothing stood in my way of learning and growing; not even my alcoholic/addict; where she was, what she was doing, who she was with or how close to death she might be. I loved her as my HP did which including allowing her to learn how to love herself and me the same.

I started my program for real and she or anyone else would not disrupt the process as best I could.  I got serious about my sponsorship and found and used one according to how the program directed; "Men on men and women on women" (I did that backwards to start not understanding my sick personality and mind of them doing the work for me...I got fired).  But I really wanted to get healed and I started to listen.   I learned that for me ESH was to be instruction I would listen to with an open mind and then follow thru with duplicating.   I duplicated what the old timers and my sponsor was doing and I was getting the same results.  "Free at last!! Thank God I was free at last!!"   and then I started to follow thru with the suggestions I was getting from my sponsor without resistance and then seeking further growth.  He told me I should find out as much as I could about the diseases of addiction and practice daily.  I did and I have. 

I inventoried my life including my families on both sides and my own addiction to alcohol and where it led me including the addicted relationships and what happened including my own near death and the brutal behaviors with others.  I took all I found out to my Higher Power and my sponsor and to others who could and would support and help as directed by our steps.  Looking for the "exact nature" of my faults revealed a lot and I felt blessed having a sponsor who knew all about it and kept the process as a disease and not purposefully insane. 

Thank God.

I was glad that my one steps forward and all the steps back were temporary and still are.   I changed because I wanted to.  I didn't/haven't stopped loving the alcoholic/addict and the last time we saw each other we were definitely in love without any reason to be married other than the desire to be clean/sober/sane.

My relationship with my present wife of almost 30 years is and  has been a relationship guided by what I have learned in the program including here at MIP.  I stay humble...teachable and continue to practice.

Going to go read my literature now and practice my daily gratitude for being a member of MIP.   (((((hugs)))))  

(((Elabella))) - I hear you and there's no doubt that the pandemic has many of us 'frozen' in time/space. Love your plan to Zoom and come back here to get through it all. What I love about recovery is there's no perfect way to do it - it being the program, the marriage, the steps/sponsor/etc. We each get to design our program and our days in a way that leads us to a serene life and a healthy life.

I can also relate deeply to the let down of discovering deception...Over and over and over again, I had hope that rehab. would 'fix it'....and then, nope - not yet anyways. I hope you do know that nothing you do or have done has affected what he has done. In a marriage, it's easy to wonder if .... then .... - I found that to be pointless. Others will do what they are going to do, and rarely does my actions or words change this.

Love and light - keep putting you and your daughter first! I do believe that you got this!