The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to share a bit of the continuing saga of my journey - not as a "pat on the back" for myself, and not as any kind of "I've finally figured it all out" milestone, and MOST CERTAINLY NOT because I have any long-term confidence that I'll be on a different, better path forever and ever. I'm just like the AA member who realizes that he's one drink away from total ruination - but for today, I made a few small steps of progress and I think it's important to share our progress because there are a lot of Al Anons and future Al Anons out there who are desperate for any shred of hope - so here's a shred for today.
About a month ago my adult son moved back to where he had been living, after living near me for a few years starting right after he got sober. I can't begin to describe the joy I experienced seeing him sober, seeing him, under his own power moving down his road of life sober and healthy was better than almost anything I have ever experienced - I felt like the Father in the Prodigal Son Bible story. When he moved back, I was so unbelievably happy for him that he was returning to where he wanted to live, with someone he wanted to be with, with a couple of years of sobriety behind him - at the same time, I was almost equally as sad (for me) to see him leaving - talk about being torn between two extremes!
Anyway, a couple of weeks after he leaves I get a call - he's been very good about staying in contact and we've had some really happy, positive calls - not as good as FTF, but good. He tells me that they're getting a jet ski. Wait, what, a jet ski? The old me would have been all over that with stuff like "How can he afford a jet ski?" "What about insurance?" "He doesn't know how to maintain a jet ski!" But I just listened and said "Good for you, son!" LOL, I don't know where they got the money for a jet ski (which by the way turned into a boat!), but it wasn't MY MONEY! My old self was trying to break into the new development, but I held him at bay, constantly reminding myself that "It's none of my business" and "It's his life, not mine", and I really do find that I am a lot happier without knowing or agonizing about it - if he's happy, I'm happy.
I never thought that I'd be able to handle something like this the way I did - but when I needed the strength to do what I needed to do (mind my own business), the strength was there. LOL, Al Anon only had to beat it into my head for 15 years for it to finally resonate - I'm sure that most all of you guys aren't as thick-headed as I am - or was. So, for those of you struggling, don't worry about the rest of your life, at least now right now - take one thing that you're wrestling with, and try to do it better - and then sit back and enjoy the success.
-- Edited by texas yankee on Sunday 10th of May 2020 11:32:36 AM
I found it wonderful that you now have a "new" relationship with your adult son, and that it brings you so much joy! As parents - who spend the majority of that life-stage doing some form of management/governing - it becomes very hard to stay within their own hula hoop once the kid becomes an adult. You are giving testament that it can be done!!
One Day At A Time!!
Thanks for the great share!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Even what appears to be very small steps, little progress, etc. -- sometimes are far bigger and more important than they appear!!! Congratulations!!! Change, any positive change, as little as it is, is a good thing -- a very good thing! It's moving forward, it's positive steps, in the right direction, and that's all very good things!
The so called "minding our own business" is OPPOSITE of what we used to ALWAYS DO. It's opposite of what used to be our norm, our innate reaction and opposite of how we used to react and handle things! Keep up the great work!!!
All the best!
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Grew up in a dusty town, with a few sheep shearers, and a handful of tired old gold miners... ...lots of big drinkers in town. But there were heaps of people, in the middle... who shared the time of day with each other. And anything that could be sorted- was sorted...
...I see along like this- where we have peer support- and a place where we kin have adult to adult conversations.
There was a lot of gossip in my old home town, where i still live... and some of it was malicious. Alanon teaches us to lift the bar a couple of notches- and to feed good stuff into good stuff.
I also love this share TY...You get it cause you deserve it as well as he does. For me this is a Joy Share and nothing even comes close to a Joy Share. Thank you HP. (((TY)))
Thanks for sharing ((texasyankee))) It was great to read your progress with listening and not interfering. I can never read enough stories of success in this area because I need them. I'm very good with minding my own business with most people but often slip with those closest to me particularly my life partner. Guilty just this morning LOL He shared something with me and instead of listening and just acknowledging it, I gave him free advice. Understandably, he got annoyed and I quickly apologized. But geez, this is really a tough one for me at times. I'm a worrier when it comes to certain things. He reminds me that he's a grown man. Then all I can say is "You're right." Progress not perfection huh Congrats on zipping the lip! TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks for sharing ((texasyankee))) But geez, this is really a tough one for me at times.
Just "at times" it's a really tough one ??? LOL, this stuff is tough for me ALL THE TIME !!! But, I've learned - no, that's not quite right - I haven't "learned" - I've been schooled by this disease, over and over, and I have the scars and bruises to show for it, that butting in, even with the best of intentions, is a waste of time - for me, and for my alcoholic-in-recovery son - When I am able to keep my mouth shut and not get into something that's none of my business, the other part of me inside my head is saying "Aw, come on - don't ya wanna know about <something that's none of your business>"? Luckily, lately, I've been able to not just jump into it - but man oh man, I sure wanna jump in to it! That's why I am so happy with myself when I don't - because I know, for me, how hard it is not to, and how much easier it's gonna be (for me and them) when I don't. Heck, if the worst example of putting Al Anon into practice (that'd be me) can do it, you can do it, too!!!
I think it's much more difficult when it's your child even if they're an adult. Lets face it, there were years of telling them what to do, asking what they are doing and guiding them to make good decisions as they were growing into adulthood. It's hard to shake that. And ya know what? Looking back, although at the time my mother's two cents, comments, unsolicited advice, attempts to rescue irked me as a young adult; today I cherish those memories. People love me but no one will ever love me to that depth again in this lifetime. Hey, I'm not saying go have at it and if he complains say "feel the love," lol. I guess what I'm saying is mothering a spouse concerning decision making skews roles but with your son, you are his mother and always will be and have a knee jerk reaction concerning his well being and choices. One thing that was called to my attention when I first got together with my life partner, a recovering alcoholic was that I was treating him like an active alcoholic. I was in the program ten years at the time and felt I'd take a chance on knowing him and see where it goes. All my old habits came back from when I had been with my ex who was active. My bf's alcoholism was his business. Yet, I was really hyperconscious of the fact that he was an alcoholic. It surprised me that these buried feelings surfaced. The had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my past. Thankfully, because we're both in our programs we were able to keep it honest. He wanted to be seen who he was not who my ex was. The same could be said had I been with him when he was active but then became a recovering alcoholic. So to go on well together not only did he need to remain sober but I needed to learn how to live with sobriety. Today I see him as my loving partner who just happens to alcoholic. We can even joke a bit. I asked him yesterday if he would put the candy I bought on the highest shelf. He took the bag from me and lol. He said, "You're weak!" I responded, " I know, I'd never make it as a recovering alcoholic." We both laughed. I know today that I've settled into his sobriety. There was a lot of communication, love and understanding. Hp played referee. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
"I have the scars and bruises to show for it, that butting in,"
Exactly. This is often what motivates my "recovery" which means "to gain" more sanity and serenity for myself. It's a very simple equation really, when I do this, I get THAT consequence.
You clearly know this equation well now, through experience. Perhaps without realizing it, you are primarily making amends to yourself by keeping silence. Well, that is what my inventory revealed with my kids
who are full grown adults now. I had to accept my parenting days are over. When I start treating them like "mine" and attempting to train them in ways that will make ME feel more comfortable, happy or secure (selfish, self-seeking...)
It does not go well - - they pull back, they stop calling or coming around!! That hurts ME, my own selfish self-seeking is "the cause" for those scars and bruising.
Our kids are not "ours." They have a real Higher Power father/mother. They are on their own separate journey to HP. I am on my own separate journey to HP. I was taught that even addiction is still a path to HP.
Someone once passed a note to a recovery friend of mine during a meeting. She had just spoken about her suffering (attachment) to someone she often spoke about at meetings. So someone passed this note that said, "Get a life."
How often I remember that note when I find myself want want wanting and cling cling clinging to my children. Let Go and Let God - who is much more capable of caring for them than I.
practicing (((trust))) with you. more victories to come.
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 12th of May 2020 07:41:21 PM
Great share TY and I love seeing recovery efforts in action! I don't see any issue in sharing your ESH - and so agree that others need to see success in efforts to find, get, improve their hope. This for me is how it works best! I've always been told that ESH should be about - what it was like, what happened (in recovery) and what it's like now!
Thank you for the share and keep doing what you're doing - it looks awesome on you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
...