Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Frustrated


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 46
Date:
Frustrated


Its been 4 weeks of sobriety for AH. 7 years of us together. I came from a verbally abusive 1st marriage with a bipolar narcissist diagnosed man. When I met my 2nd husband, red flags were flying. I thought, thanks to my ex, I was a bad person & deserved what I was getting. No. I didnt & I dont. I didnt deserve to be in a fetal position while a man yelled at me. I didnt deserve to be left in a shopping outlet pregnant while he drive away. I didnt deserve needing to hide behind the house while pregnant to get away from him. Hes now sober. His alcoholism was selfish, now his recovery seems more selfish. I walked on egg shells before, & now. If I talk about my feelings, he goes off on a tangent that Im adding more guilt. Just now he slammed his head against the wall while I was talking to him & he walked away. I have no idea how to do this. Maybe other people are way more supportive than me. Im just at a loss. I know i deserve better than this. This is insanity. The expectation that 4 weeks of sobriety somehow erases 7 years of mistreatment. That I now have to be the most loving & supportive wife. Im trying & apparently failing. I do not know how to do this.

__________________

Cath



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2210
Date:

 

  Oh my, C. 

An alcoholic, self-medicates, in my view. A dry alcoholic reverts back to childish and sometimes destructive behaviour.

In either circumstance we have to learn to take care of ourselves. Reaching out- to other adults is a great start aww ! 



__________________

A Universe that Creates Flowers : Has to be Trustworthy.

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 1761
Date:

Hi Catherine...thank you for your share, and thank you for being so open and honest. I admire and respect that you have put yourself out there and are vulnerable. That said, in reading your post, one thing that jumps out at me is -- twice -- you said "I have no idea how to do this" and "I do not know how to do this". My question, albeit rhetorical, is do what? I see, hear, and feel what you are struggling with. I've been where you are. I struggled living with an alcoholic, I struggled with having to walk on eggshells, I struggled with the fact that I just didn't know how to cope with, handle, and deal with living with an alcoholic. So, what do you not know how to do?

Your husband is an alcoholic. 4 weeks of sobriety or not, he is still an alcoholic. He will always be an alcoholic. What that looks like for you, who knows. Nothing changes if nothing changes. That is about you by the way. Not him. If he never changes...that's independent of whether or not you change...and that is up to YOU. Your decision. No one else can decide that for you. Just YOU. Only YOU.

It sounds like you have some tremendous clarity in, around, and about certain things. You know you deserve better than this. OK. Got it. So, what changes can you make IN YOU, FOR YOU, ABOUT YOU, so that you get better than what is currently going on? This is insanity. OK, got that too. Same questions...and, what can you do to not be in, participate in, contribute to, play a role in, the insanity? This is not about an expectation that four weeks of sobriety somehow erases seven years of mistreatment. If he has that expectation...good for him. That's his problem. Not your problem. He can live his life with that expectation...and you can just let him. How? Go live your life. Learn acceptance, surrender, let go, learn detachment, both physical and emotional, learn about not enabling (no, not the traditional definition of enabling), learn about boundaries, and more.

When you change the way you deal with people...the people you deal with begin to change. When you change the way you interact with people...the people you interact with begin to change. When you change the way you react to people...the people you react to begin to change. Do you get it? Really get it? They actually don't change. You change. Then they change.

You also say you are trying and failing. Trying and failing at what? How about trying to focus on YOU...your thinking, your actions, reactions, your mindset. Focus on YOU. Not him.

Go to virtual alanon meetings. They are all over the US. Morning, afternoon, and evening. I just got off a men's meeting from Los Angeles, CA. When the world gets back to normal, the new normal, go to face to face alanon meetings. Start doing the work. Find a sponsor, and start working with him/her. It works if you work it...so work it...you are worth it!

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2197
Date:

((((Catherine)))))

Sending you light, and healing love. It really is all I can do. In my case, it was all about working the Al-Anon program to get a grasp of what I wanted out of life, and if my partner could give that to me, as he was at that moment (because alcohol and drugs had indeed changed his brain chemistry) - not how my hopes and dreams said they should be.  Once I could figure that out, I began taking the steps forward for ME and my kid. To be happy and healthy.
It. Was. Not. Easy.

And it took more than one try at this program. I was ready to Let Go when I was ready, and not a moment before, I guess.

Wishing you clarity of thought this weekend.



__________________

"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  ~ Mary Oliver

 

 

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 1761
Date:

PosiesandPuppies wrote:

((((Catherine)))))

Sending you light, and healing love. It really is all I can do. In my case, it was all about working the Al-Anon program to get a grasp of what I wanted out of life, and if my partner could give that to me, as he was at that moment (because alcohol and drugs had indeed changed his brain chemistry) - not how my hopes and dreams said they should be.  Once I could figure that out, I began taking the steps forward for ME and my kid. To be happy and healthy.
It. Was. Not. Easy.

And it took more than one try at this program. I was ready to Let Go when I was ready, and not a moment before, I guess.

Wishing you clarity of thought this weekend.


 

 

What a great post PaP!!! Thank you for sharing this. I think you hit the nail on the head!!! Thank you!!!



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 497
Date:

I have bern the recipient of an alcoholic yelling at ne recently twice. I deserved none of it His yelling was all.about his life I have said very little to that alcoholic since he yelled at me. I simoly withdrew. That was the 2nd tine he yelled at me. Another person yelled at me recently when I waa complaining about my living situation. I have not spoken to them again either Boundaries are real hard for many of us in al anon. Putting my self first does nit come easily in fact I have had to mern to focus on it. Feeling abandoned is a hard one for me Being alone is another one and feeling like I will always be alone. I feel pretty alone right now Reaching out to others is a hard one. There is no shame in being in the place you are in. Your boundarues have been trampled. You were put in a double bind Al.anon is a good place to go in order to gain solsve, regroup and work on yourself Maresie

__________________


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 46
Date:

Thank you to everyone. Today has not gone any better. Im so damn hurt. I can no longer shove down the feelings. I think a lot about what I want out of life. Its not this. But i know I have to work on myself to make healthy choices for myself. To be strong & healthy despite whats happening around me. I dont function well in tense situations at all. Youd think I would be a pro by now. I really appreciate everyones encouragement & validation. Validation without accepting I stay unhealthy. Validation but encouragement to grow & heal. The stay at home order has made loneliness all that much more lonely. I feel less lonely here. I can feel lonely in a crowded room...as dealing with alcoholism is very difficult, & no one gets it unless theyve lived it.



-- Edited by Crmans on Friday 1st of May 2020 05:26:29 PM



-- Edited by Crmans on Friday 1st of May 2020 05:26:47 PM

__________________

Cath



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 497
Date:

The irony of many of the al.anon slogans is they help you to move through the crisis Not arguing is one. I lived with an alcoholic roommmate the last 3 months. He has been working from him for most of that time. I have been an essential worker working long hours I had to move out of my apartment for a rennovation that ended uo taking months I can certainly understand what you are talking about. Now I am in the process of moving out again. It is walking on egg shells all the way. Maresie

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.