Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Calling it a day


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1932
Date:
Calling it a day


I am going to call it a day with this roommate

The three weeks that she has been here, she has collapsed my bed with her 250 pound body, ruined my box spring and mattress, she has burned my skillets because she doesnt put a dab of oil in when she cooks. She continually loads the refrigerator wrong with her stuff and that shelf is not going to bear all that weight so I have to keep rearranging stuff where the heavy stuff is in the back or on the bottom weight bearing shelf

she is like a big child. The latest issue is it is only been in the 80s and we had a confrontation about the AC she wants it set at 79 and I am fine with it at 85 with fans. I have a very old unit and a high AC or electrical provider I should say now she did offer to kick in the extra amount but what I am trying to say is I have an older air-conditioning unit thats going to cost big money if I run it into the ground and have to replace it. I have kept it going by using it gently And I set the thermometer at low 80's  and I use fans and I am fine blowing fans. There is always an issue with her and it is always at night when I am trying to wind down and go to bed and even on a work night I have some kind of drama I have to deal with and I just dont do drama anymore much as I need this money either has to be another way, more work at least I had peace in my own home

she is a  child and its not my job to train her...at 48, she has been with mom all her life... She also has very sensitive issues where I have to be careful how I talk with her and I am not going to walk on cracked eggshells in my own home. Yeah I need the money but I dont need my AC running into the ground and costing me big money to replace it. I dont need my stuff ruined. My Boxspring and mattress are probably ruined and she refuses to get in the bed gently

she does not help around the house really except dishes and thats it. I have to do the yard, I have to do the sweeping the floors, I have to do the cleaning, so I dont really get help with the work. Its like I dont have peace in my own house. And the summers are going to get brutal here in the next couple of months and this will be an issue with the air-conditioning. I can put it at low 80's  and feel fine with fans running. Ive got to keep this old unit going by gentle use and it will Not happen with this girl here. She is very heavy and I cannot meet her needs come this summer. I hate the stress of having to worry about work but I have no peace in my own house

If I ever rent my house again out it will be to an older person who doesnt want to have it cold in the house and they can take care of themselves and be their own taxi cab. I have been toting her around in my car for three weeks now. I have been praying that she gets her stimulus check so she can get her car out of the garage and I can be independent and not have to worry about her grocery shopping and taking her shopping when I dont need to go shopping

Last night was the final thing when she accused me of not being honest about the AC setting I didnt have my glasses on and I miss read the setting versus the actual temperature and I was 1° off and she went out and checked me and then confronted me as though I was not being honest about the AC and I told her how dare you question my integrity? And its always at night when the stuff happens. She bought me a chair because she took mine as far as the outdoor furniture goes she just usurped my good chair and left me with nothing so I told her I needed a chair. So yeah at Walmart she bought me a $20 chair and I still kicked in five dollars. I just dont feel any peace in my own house anymore its like trying to teach a very heavy child how to live and behave in a my own house and Im just not Willing at my age to go through all of this with her. And then she is so sensitive I have to be careful how I bring things up, shes a nice person but she just has too many issues with her weight and her sensitivity and shes not in recovery shes not working a program for the over eaters and learning how to deal with people and not be so sensitive

 

I feel really bad about this but its just getting worse and I have to see the handwriting on the wall. Yes its going to be stressed worrying about bringing in extra money but Im just gonna have to trust that Ill be OK. I have to watch what I say in my own house. I just dont see this improving I have been trying to force a round peg in a square hole, trying to convince myself that this is going to work out with the summers are going to get brutal here and she will want to run this AC into the ground and I cannot afford To replace the older unit that I treat gently to get it to last

I need somebody older like me or just let this roommate situation go and just try to make it on my own if Im not worrying about money I am being stressed out by a roommate that is driving me crazy more than not. I wish her the best, I really feel bad that its not working out but there are just too many red flags coming at me too many times

I am grateful for the relief I got With her here but I just cannot do this anymore she is a very nice girl but just has way too many issues for me

I know low 80;s  sounds funny but really when youre blowing a lot of fans it really is OK it works fine for me because I am cold natured and blowing the fan and having the back door open during the day or in the evening bringing the cooler air in I have never had a problem but I will if I keep her here and I cannot afford replacing an air conditioning unit

 

And then what troubleshooting will I be doing the next time? Because it seems this is just on going, and I dont like my stuff being used and not carefully, I worked hard for my possessions and I do not want them ruined

She is a nice person but just has too many issues for me to deal with I am too old for this

 



-- Edited by mamalioness on Friday 24th of April 2020 07:56:15 AM

__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1932
Date:

EVERYONE who knows me KNOWS how hard I tried to make her feel welcome and boundaries set , I never asked of her anything I would not do...just treat my stuff with respect and not ruin my stuff....I mean I could make a LIST of things, but I don't want to talk bad about the girl.....she means well, but I am not her mom...but everyone who knows me knows I went above and beyond to make this work and I am tired....I have to give it up, I wish her well, I really do, but just WAY too many drama and issues and I want my peace...Maybe someone my age would be more appropriate...she is 48, I am in early 70's....Lord only knows I tried but last night when she confronted me about not being honest about the AC setting, that was the last straw....

__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1932
Date:

I slept on this, prayed about this and sad as it is, I am just NOT happy with this.....I swear!!! I never asked of her anything that I would not do as well....NEVER set a boundary that did not apply to me as well.....I pray she will be OK, but the stress level in me, lying to myself that "oh in time this will work" is just not working....last night was the "kicker" she accused me of being dishonest wtih the AC setting....it was dark...I did not have my glasses on...so yea, I set if at 1 degree different....and she CHECKED me and confronted me about not being honest about stated setting......when I confronted her with this accusation, she never apologized.....God bless her, but I want out...I will have to trust in HP that I will find work enough or maybe an older, more settled, responsible roommate...maybe an older guy, I am open, but not sure I want to do the roommate thing....at least not now

__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2197
Date:

((((Rose))))

You seem to really be struggling with the guilt.

It is OK for you to say, "This is not working out for me." It does not make you a bad person.
This situation was one that was entered into to help you, right? Helping her out was just the icing. So you have found that it is causing more stress than relieving. It is OK for you to make the decision that is best for YOU.

Sending you love

__________________

"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  ~ Mary Oliver

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1932
Date:

((((((((((((((((PnP)))))))))))))))))))))) thank you, yea, I feel bad hurting anyone, but it had to be done........she got 5 weeks and she can go back to her mom's flat....I did feel bad, but as I pray about it and I feel peace making this tough decision.....yea, I need the $$$ but am going to trust in HP to provide....and yea, I can't do the stress anymore.....too old and too tired to go through this one thing after another....

sending you love back, my friend....Thanks for your share...You are spot on....I DID feel guilt, tho I knew it was right....I tried with her.....Its time to call it a day!!!!! thank you so much for your loving reply

__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1932
Date:

I texted our pastor about it and he said he KNOWS I did my best, and that he is sad that she CANNOT find CONSISTENT housing....he praised me for trying to be as kind /helping as I was......

so she DOES have issues and has failed to keep "consistent" housing...I thought it odd that her references were personal and not one rental.......

so GUILT is GONE....Just wishing her the best and that she can find her footing SOMEWHERE where she can last.....

__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2662
Date:

(((Rose)) You're making a decision that's right for you. If living with her is causing you this much angst, it's not good for you or for her. It's very hard for two people to adjust to one another's habits and ways of doing things even when they've been close friends or lovers prior to living with one another. You don't know her and now you are finding out about her through trial by fire. This had a 50/50 chance of working out. You realize that it isn't working out. Trust that. You did nothing wrong by taking a chance to try a living situation with her. She had a part as well in choosing to move in. Nothing was guaranteed for either of you. She isn't a good fit for you as a roommate.

We talk about "forcing solutions" in Alanon. For me this often meant putting others feelings and desires above my own, people pleasing or believing my Alanon program must be somehow deficient because a relationship wasn't working out. Sometimes relationships just don't work out. It's that simple. There's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing wrong with me but there is something wrong with "us" together. Recognizing that and having the courage move on if a relationship isn't workable is part of my self care. 

This is a business relationship. She is a roommate you found. She has been getting something out of it and you have been getting something out of it. If you are feeling guilt as pnp mentioned and that was my take as well, you can always break that down through a self inventory to get to the root of it. 

Like all of us, she will make her way along her own life's journey. You took a risk to invite her in to be a part of your day to day life. It's my belief that hp puts people on one another's paths for a reason and for lessons. I believe people who come into my life even for a short while offer me and opportunity to know myself better, to take a look at my program and how I'm working it. For me, that's always a perk.

I believe a person may connect with me because their hp has a lesson in it for them to learn. I may simply be the vehicle for that lesson and have no idea what that lesson is. This has helped me greatly from feeling overly responsible for others. 

You have a right to choices that are best for you Rose. You have your Alanon program to help you communicate what you need to say in healthy way to her.  ((hugs))) TT



__________________

Faith unsticks fear.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 957
Date:

Bless heart Rosie!

So glad you got some relief. I was thinking your pastor would surely be able to help you take it easier on yourself, and he did. Glad you called him

Life is good. You are doing so well. Don't forget to breathe, and deeply!

((((((Rosie))))))
Temple

__________________

It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread.  --Gray Charles

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2210
Date:

 

 Here in NZ we are under lock-down.

In NZ it would be illegal to through someone out during a pandemic. 



__________________

A Universe that Creates Flowers : Has to be Trustworthy.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1251
Date:

Things aren't always meant to work out. Self care is so important and if getting rid of her is what it takes, then that is the answer. Be gentle on yourself.

__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1932
Date:

DavidG wrote:

 

 Here in NZ we are under lock-down.

In NZ it would be illegal to through someone out during a pandemic. 


 Thank you for your share, David, but she DOES have a place to go...Back to her mom's where she came from



__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1932
Date:

andromeda wrote:

Things aren't always meant to work out. Self care is so important and if getting rid of her is what it takes, then that is the answer. Be gentle on yourself.


 hey Andromeda,  thank you....there was a lesson in this for sure...a lesson for me, perhaps to take care of me and trust my HP,  and maybe for her to learn something about how to behave in another's house....yea, there is the pandemic,  but she has till JUN 3rd, as I said 30 days, so May 3rd she will pay rent, last rent and then by Jun 3, she should have found a place to go......and I agree...things are not always meant to work out...I tried with this...it did not work out...



__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1932
Date:

((((((((((((Temple))))))))))))) I am breathing and praying...this was a temporary help for both of us, perhaps...what really shined the red flag was pastor telling me that she has "issues" and "cannot find consistent housing" so this is an ongoing thing, it sounded like....

__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1932
Date:


((((((((((TT)))))))))))))  yea, I agree...50/50 chance of working out...I see it is not working so I accept it now and I am at peace, doing the right thing by me...AND for her too, as she is not a fit...so be it....

And ya know???  I think I did try to "force the solution---keeping her when I saw red flags"  but I chose to stuff those observations out of financial fear...and It IS that simple...relationships DON"T work out at times....I see the lesson in that yea, this is a loss for me (financially)  but whats more important??? My serenity or the $$$ that I'm sure I could obtain in a better, happier way

 

I think this was a "temporary" help for both of us....I get 2 months rent, she gets to HOPEFULLY learn some stuff...I learned about me:  that taking care of me has to come first and that $$$ won't buy serenity if you are unhappy with someone...and the guilt I felt ,   after doing a quicky step 10, is that she IS nice, and IS a good person,  just NOT a fit for me....if she had been a  b**ch, it would have been very easy to give her notice, LOL

She has her mom---family!!!!  something I don't have here....so yea, she will be OK....and I think HP put us together for temporary help....me, financially, and her??? maybe to mature??? dunno,  but I am grateful for the help that I got WHILE she is here...this next 5 weeks, I will distance myself, be kind, courteous and stay in my lane.....and yea, I took a BIG look at my program....I am progressing...I don't feel guilt or questions at myself anymore....It just DID NOT WORK and I am doing the right thing by "calling it a day"...

 

and yea, maybe I was the vehicle with which HER HP wants to help her learn.  ANd I needed financial help.....and yea, used to be i felt responsible for others, but I do not in this case...... 

 

and ya know?? I did use my alanon tools in this...I wrote her a very nice termination of rent letter stating that this house and me cannot meet her special needs and we need to call it a day...letter was really nice..I even told her she was a nice person and I said God bless you and may you find your footing in your right place...

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((TT))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))   thanks for the GREAT reply to my share....I took a nap after I made the decision:  Slept on it last night,  typed out the letter this am....did some stuff with my pets,  then took a nap.....this IS the right thing to do....for BOTH of us......Before I suffer more property damage and drama,  it is time to put this to rest.....

and pastor let a slip when he texted   "you did everything you could have done to help her, its sad she cannot find CONSISTENT housing"    his words....so she does or has had issues in the past......I am not her mom or her savior.....I did my part and can hold my head up that I was kind and did try to make this work,  even to the extent of telling myself  "oh its ok..shes nice...it will work"  instead of just looking at it with neurtal eyes....which I did yesterday....


 

 



-- Edited by mamalioness on Friday 24th of April 2020 01:48:57 PM

__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2662
Date:

(((Rose))) You sound peaceful after doing what you could to be true to yourself and kind and respectful of her as a person. You took a risk and tried her out as a roommate. Nothing risked nothing gained. You have a little more financially now and know a little more about yourself and your needs. Now your own higher power can fill the space she filled with what's next Thanks for sharing your update. TT

__________________

Faith unsticks fear.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1932
Date:

((((((((((((((((((((((TT)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I do feel peace.......sad, but at peace..........and HP will cover my needs, I must just trust!!!! and i am willing......and BOY did I learn about me..........in a HEALTHY relationship, I CAN hold up my end....I can compromise...I can be kind and did....I can be reasonable and was.....really??? I am kinda happy with the kind of person I am finding out that I am..........sounds kinda funny, but I kinda like me for the way I did treat her and deal with her.........and thank YOU for the hug and great ESH.....XOXO

__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1932
Date:

Well, roommate signed the agreement to disagree....I will do everything to be kind and courteous but also gonna protect me and my pets...I don't think she is the vindictive type, but I am going to put the old blender up on the counter as she won't clean the new one after use.....I basically am going to stay in my own lane....she did text me and apologized about being combatative and I thanked her for apology....keep it nice...courteous.....distant...staying in my own lane...


__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME

a4l


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1194
Date:

It's not easy to share living space. Some can and some can't. I know personally that you couldn't pay me to share my space with another human being. I like what I like the way I like it and I think most women are the same way. I hear you on the fridge thing. I order my fridge according to category and use frequency. Spreads and condiments on the top shelf; fillings and eggs on the second. Bread and bread products on the third. Milk and beverage requirements and cereals (tropics, sweet anything needs refrigerator otherwise ants) on the fourth, baking goods fifth, meat and containered leftovers last with fruit and salads in the drawer. When anyone messes with my shelf organisation my heart rate increases. I think Keep it simple and not Justifying or defending applies here. Your not up for sharing space. It's cool. Better to realise that and act on it than let it drag on.

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.