The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good evening. Going on week #3 of realization of Hs alcoholism. To say the ups & downs of my emotions are unpredictable would be a very fair statement, but the waves are not as overwhelming thanks to tapping into Al-Anon. Today my H & I had a very open conversation & I must admit truth hurts...but not as bad as the lying did. Ive realized I really, really was in self-imposed denial. I chose to look the other way due to a sorted past with an ex narcissistic bipolar H & am now in the consequences of that. Hes sober, as far as i know, but I worry less about that & more about my well being at this point. I know hes still doing his meetings daily, sometimes more than once a day. He has tried to prove his sobriety to me a couple of times, has offered to purchase a breathalyzer. I said I appreciate that, but that is no longer my concern or responsibility; sobriety is something you own, not me. Big step for me. I was the lunatic checking for empties to prove my sanity. Today was tough but like I said, I can process through truth, even when it hurts, much easier than lies. The quarantine is posing a huge issue with loneliness for me & I am trying to find ways to work through that. He is an essential worker & I am laid off with a 3 year old, Blessing and a curse, I suppose. Gives me a lot of time to work the program. Zoom meetings help...seeing actual faces. I dont know if this time will be the magic time for H, but I know it will be the time that I finally really work on myself. Ive had years of counseling, but mostly for trauma management, this will be for healing. I look forward to the lifelong journey of being me for once in a very, very long time....cause she is a pretty bad**s woman.
(((crmans))) thanks for your share. I'm glad you're part of our online recovery family and hope you'll keep coming back. I relate to what you shared about having a conversation with your significant other and preferring to know where things are rather than being in denial. It can be very difficult to endlessly dance around the elephant in the middle of the room with each person pretending it's not there. It's great that the online meetings are helping. I am very much looking forward to the day when I can return to in person Alanon meetings and it's safe to hug and be hugged by others who I miss seeing. I'm grateful for the love and support at MIP. It's a very tough time we are all going through right now. I've been in the program a very long time and am accustomed to using the tools of the Alanon program such as attending meetings, coming here to share, reading Alanon literature, connecting with others by phone and working the steps of the program. With all of this available to me, I still feel challenged to take things one day at a time and just do what's in front of me. My reaction to the pandemic has been to look at my life under a microscope and with a sense of panic and urgency concerning my future. I know better than to go down this road trying to leap headlong into the unknown without somewhat of direction of where I'm heading. I need to be where I am now. It's ok to consider the future. It's better for me to work on myself through self love and self care today. My higher power will guide me to what's next for my life. We all want the best life we can give ourselves. I'm grateful the program has helped me to get to know myself, my wants, needs, hopes, dreams for myself. Some include the alcoholics in my life and some are just about me as an individual. Alanon led me to a deeper understanding of myself and my relationships as I worked the program. I'm glad that I took the suggestion to heart when I was new to give the program six months before making any big changes to my life. That allowed me to speak with my Alanon sponsor whom was guiding me through the steps of the program. I also had my higher power to turn to and some new self knowledge from working the program. With some time in the program, there was a better chance I would make decisions and changes by way of thoughtful action than emotional reaction. I wish you joy on your journey to knowing yourself and living fully. (((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hello crmans. I could probably have written your share, its just that Im older and my son is a grown up. But my A is sometimes a dry drunk and lately Im quite sure shes drinking. We had the big talk, she is willing to see an addiction counselor, but does not want help for herself. Its just to save us as always. Program does give me great tools for coping, as I see you have some too. I went through a period of testing her at our therapists suggestion. My A still drank anyway and tried to fool me with fake urine. Who is the fool here? Not anymore. Im detached, trying with love, but my dedication is to me and my sanity. Hang in there, Lyne
It can be shocking to suddenly learn of all our denial... sometimes we can be in denial about our denial!! but facing the truth is better in the long run. Great that you are working on you!!!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Oh ((((PnP)))) Love what you said about "denial about our denial" been there...done that....now in 16 years of recovery, I crave the truth..even tho it hurts....its like what they say "the truth shall set you free" and it really does for me....It may hurt for a bit, but I have something tangible...REAL to work with...Not fantasy.....
Catherine, hang in there and stick with us....You CAN overcome...One day at a time
Crmans - thank you for your honesty and share! When I was new, and felt defeated, scared, anxious, overwhelmed or smacked by the reality of life, I was always reminded to just breathe, take it easy, and focus on the right here/now! I applaud you for your willingness to have a conversation and to practice listening. So often, what I was hearing didn't sound accurate or even sane, yet my sponsor suggested I just practice listening, remain open and trust this program.
What I came to understand about me is that everyone I encounter in my travels can teach me something when I am open. Even the active alcoholic has lessons for me, not that they always make sense in the moment but each experience in my life has had meaning in some form, at some time, at times - in the future. I do not disregard or deny anything any longer - I try to hear, take it in, determine the intent and then embrace it or set it aside.
One tool I practice often/always with all people, not just those with this disease is the Pause, Pray and Proceed. This has saved me more than I can count, simply because that pause with prayer allows me to decide how to proceed or even if I have any 'skin in the game'. It also reminds me that there is a higher power with a master plan, and I am not him/her!
Be gentle with yourself. Feel what you need to feel yet don't make it 'more' or obsess. Denial is a huge part of this disease in both the alcoholic as well as the family/friends also affected. There are a variety of writings on how denial plays out in different family members - you might take a look around the official Al-Anon site for more.
Your share also reminded me of our three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action! We can't change if we don't know areas that may need examination/changing. My experience is that nothing has happened by mistake and more is revealed when we're ready! Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
but facing the truth is better in the long run. Great that you are working on you!!!
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