The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for Monday, 4/20, discusses how the writer starting learning that it was to to be themself. They used to feel embarrassed, tried to keep quiet, attempted to reveal very little about themself, when actually sharing was the key to healing. They had experienced years of criticism and humiliation. Alanon allowed this person to come out of hiding.
Reminder: Even when I feel ashamed, someone in the fellowship can help me see my situation in a different light. With their help, if Im willing to permit it, the truth will set me free.
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I relate to this reading. It is the story of me. I had an abusive family member who just crushed any self-esteem I could possibly have, in spite of being talented in the arts and having very good grades. So as a result I wanted to be invisible, and could not find any good in myself. In adulthood I slowly improved, but it was my sponsor who truly set me free. In my F2F, I have been able to share the good, the bad, and the ugly, and guess what? I am accepted for who I am and what Ive been through. It is such a relief. I dont have to hide anymore. Lyne
Hi All,
I can relate to this reading as well. I spent a lot of time letting people know very little about me. In fact even I knew very little about myself. Instead of being me I would try to be what I thought others wanted me to be. It helped me survive my very chaotic childhood and it helped me fit in. But eventually it took it's toll on me. Al Anon helped me to feel comfortable to be myself. To explore who really was underneath all that people pleasing behaviour. When I took the time to figure out my likes and dislikes, my strengths and my flaws it made me stronger and happier.
I have learned that I am a very sensitive loving person and that I don't have to act tough or any way that denies that side of me. Instead I have learned how to incorporate that part of myself into who I am and how I conduct my life. It's not a weakness in fact it's a strength. The acceptance I found in Al Anon is like no other acceptance I have ever found in any other part of my life. I am eternally grateful for the program and my sponsor and my AL Anon friends.
One of the things I hear in the rooms is that...You are only as sick as your secrets...and in my experience, the secret, the embarrassment, the being afraid, all of the things that went along with not sharing, not asking for help, whatever the case might be...that is what stood in the way of me getting better. That is what stood in the way of me getting the help that the alanon program offered and made available to me.
Knowing about me, created the analysis, the efforts I made to figure out, to go back and look at my childhood, analyze why I was doing what I was doing, even analyze and try and rationalize about the alcoholic, and so on and so on and so on. Good luck with that, LOL. What I learned was that -- the more I tried to figure out the alcoholic, why they were doing what they were doing, how, what it meant, rationalizing, justifying, and so on...the more I drove myself crazy!!! Another slogan I heard in the rooms were You can't apply logic to an illogical person, an illogical situation, or an illogical disease.
Everything I experienced, everything I learned about what prevented me from opening up, from being honest, from keeping secrets, from sharing, everything...what I learned was -- everyone else had seen, felt, experienced, what I was. They knew, they understood. I learned that these people knew me and my situation. They were people who understood, would and could help me.
The people I met in the rooms of face to face alanon meetings...were not strangers...they were simply friends I hadn't met yet.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you Lyne for your service and to all who have shared. Such great personal shares!!!
I almost spit my coffee out when I read KT's words...yes, that was/is me!! I have searched my childhood, I am not sure of the "whys" but I grew up trying to be what others wanted me to be!!! I mean, it works... you get the friendships, the job, the boyfriend... whatever the case may be. But at what cost?
It was a cost I never even considered before Al-Anon.
Grateful member. &
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Lyne and everyone, thank you for sharing on this amazing topic! I can't add anything new to all the insights except to say "me too." Feeling safe to be myself is a great gift from Al-Anon.
Thanks ((Lyne))) for the daily reading and to all who have shared. This is something that can come back to bite me at times - reshaping myself to fit in with others to be likeable, accepted, keep the peace. "You may be right," can be a great tool at times but when I use it because it's easier than the discomfort of voicing my true thoughts and feelings I feel like I've sold myself out. This kind of Alanon relapse comes from shaming in my early years related to physical appearance, words and actions. It created an overall distorted view of myself as compared to others resulting in a sense of inferiority. It resulted in taking myself far too seriously, being hyperconscious of my appearance in the presence of others, overplanning to safeguard myself what I believed would be probable criticism of my throughts, words and actions by others or skipping events all together for fear of being judged. Trying to perfect myself was exhausting and futile.
Through the grace of my higher power, a supervisor promoted me to a job that involved constant f2f contact every day with new people and little time to prepare myself for those encounters. Every experience was a fresh experience and it was very unsettling for me at first. In truth, it was one of the best things to happen to me because it helped me to establish trust in myself and others in general. I grew more comfortable in my own skin and began to feel less and less "terminally unique."
I think the silver lining in all of this initial pain from my young years is that beyond the Alanon fellowship, strangers and casual acquaintances have felt safe to share intimate details of their lives with me such as their hurts, hopes and dreams feeling I can be trusted and will validate what they are feeling. I credit others in part for helping me to become a safe person by way of the unconditional love and acceptance that I, myself received as a newcomer to Alanon and continue to receive.
Recovering and having been there, I hope I display sensitivity and compassion for others who are cycling through this type of pain. I want to be a compassionate listener, offering experience, strength and hope related to healing the past and celebrating self love in the present. My higher power is made of the purest form of love and I can continue to use life lessons to be of service according to my hp's will. I can recognize and own my progress as result of recovery in Alanon. I have more gratitude, fewer resentments and am more healthfully engaged in life. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 20th of April 2020 11:54:11 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hey all - happy Monday! Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. I also can't specify an incident or a person or 'what' from my past caused me to be who I was, but I call my former self a chameleon - I changed based on who was around, in an effort to seek approval, friends, etc. It worked 'well' at the time like so many other roles I assumed in my search for authenticity until it did not.
I look back and do find great humor in 'some' - I sang in the church choir yet also was a Harley 'babe'. I could give you a million of 'these' me versions, probably the best was moving to a farm, and becoming a cow girl - still got my boots from learning how to 2 Step!
All my personas were fun in the beginning and yet each failed at some point because I was not true to myself. Recovery has shown me that I am OK - actually better than OK - being who I am, exactly as designed, and I will never, ever, ever be perfect which is expected. The quote really speaks for my experience, "You get to the point where your demons, which are terrifying, get smaller and smaller and you get bigger and bigger." (August Wilson)
What I know now is that it's one thing to be in recovery, work the steps, find yourself, share with a sponsor, etc. It's a whole new level of freedom to tear the walls down with others, in meetings and beyond. What I have always loved about our program is the safety I feel in healthy meetings to share openly, honestly without a filter and trust I will hear ESH to support and help me.
Today unfolded different for me that usual....my husband scheduled golf this morning for our anniversary (I got him socks...lol)! We were the 2nd group off, and it's hard for me to describe just how peaceful it is to see nature, in all it's splendor, wet and sparkling with morning dew! I love, love, love starting my day outdoors, with nature, and just breathing in all that we've been loaned to enjoy while we're here!
We got poured on - certainly not expected - yet kind of made golf even harder! I was wet through all my layers and still opted to stop at the grocery figuring it wouldn't be busy with the rain. I was correct. As I've shared before, probably 80% were practicing distancing and wore masks. It's the others that are a bit unnerving. I was grateful that all I needed was available, and I'm done for a while!
I opted for OPNT - Old People Nap Time - a phrase a group of us has coined during our Stay @ Home adventure. When I woke up, I decided to do some cleaning around here....and - my day changed! I moved a piece of furniture to vacuum, and found a Layla toy. Layla, my sweet dog, passed 36 days ago and I 'thought' I was 'good' - apparently not. I continued my cleaning but added in a good cry because I miss her greatly. In my brain, when I consider her loss, of course I also recall our loss - Betty - as well as my Golden Girl cousin lost - Mary - and let's just say I spent some time just feeling the losses, my sadness and being quasi-broken for a while.
When I could collect myself, I reached out with my closest 3 program friends to share because that's what I've been raised to do. Share me, the real me, when I'm up/positive/grateful and also when I'm not - down/sad/broken/confused. If I only do either one, I am not being true to me. I'm still sad and I'm still teary but I do know I'm OK and will be so long as I keep my eye on the prize - my program, my joy and my serenity.
I've also been raised to take action so I scheduled myself to donate Blood tomorrow first thing. I was grateful they had an early slot open - the rest of the day was full. I've NEVER donated because I've never weighed enough to. With the Stay @ Home Orders, I've gained just enough weight to be able to. If you are able to do so, consider it. They do appointment only, they have it sanitized and they practice social distancing. I'll report back tomorrow how it all went...
Love and light MIP family - I hope you all had a marvelous day! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
They had experienced years of criticism and humiliation. Alanon allowed this person to come out of hiding.
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Oh I was so shame based, I hated me, but this wonderful program , i just celebrated in FEB, my SIXTEENTH year, becoming emotionally sober and learning that I am OK...ENOUGH.....on my own...I don't have to act like another because I can't stand being me...i am me, now...I screw up, make mistakes, some really stupid out of not being able to pay attention, but I am OK with me...I'm not ashamed of who I am.....I used to think I was a defect, mistake...not that I MADE a mistake, I felt like I WAS a mistake....his programming/grooming me went deep inside of me....but thanks to Alanon and other 12 steps parts of MIP...I have slowly gotten shed of all the barnacles of lies and false accusations....it has taken a long time for me to get this far....i am grateful....could I go through this process again??? NO!!! but am I glad I stuck it out and am NOW seeing results/healing??? HELL YES!!!!!
I would take croticism very much to heart in the past. I existed as an extension of others. Enmeshment was all I knew
In fact enmeshment felt very very normal
In fact it had to get to the point it dudnt frell normal.for me to learn to have boundaries
The journey has been hard and difficult
Very vety very difficult .
This grouo has been a huge part of my recovery .
Maresie
It's a lovely day here, Lyne, sun streaming in the window... and it is Monday here, just after midday.
...
& 