Catherine...welcome...I am sorry you are facing and going through this. One important thing to know and remember is that many people here -- and more importantly, many people you will meet when you go to face to face alanon meetings -- have seen what you are seeing, have faced what you are facing, and have gone through what you are going through. And...they went through it, and got through it, successfully. They got through it.

What you chose to ignore or didn't see/understand doesn't matter. Don't beat yourself. Often, whatever was ended up somewhere no one could have ever imagined. Alcoholism is an insidious, baffling, cunning, enigmatic, and decimating disease...not just for the alcoholic...but for the people around the alcoholic.

Catching him red-handed is part of the problem...your problem. Catching him, trying to figure out whether he is drinking, how much, when, how, and so on...is what happens to us. It becomes part of our sickness, our obsession, our disease. It is a fallacious, hollow exercise...and victory. Why? OK, so, now you caught him, proved it...and he's caught. Guilty. What did you win? What did you accomplish?

What he is or isn't going to do...is up to him. Period. The alcoholic will NOT quit drinking UNLESS and UNTIL he wants to. Period. You can't control, fix, govern, sway, force, him to do anything. You cannot control or cure his drinking. It is up to him. Period. So, if he goes, he goes. If you don't live in denial -- you will know where you stand very quickly.

So, what's the answer? What do you do? FOCUS ON YOU. First, go to face to face alanon meetings. Go to as many as you can, and as often as you can. Second, find a sponsor. Do the daily readings, start talking to your sponsor, and focus on YOU. This is a program of change -- change in your attitude, thinking, mindset, perspective, behavior, actions, reactions, and more. Lastly, start working with your sponsor. The face to face meetings...are now being done via zoom!!! You don't even have to leave your house!!! Just find official, conference approved alanon meetings.

Once you start doing the work in alanon...you will start getting better. All the best!!!

 

Aloha Cath and welcome to the  board and family you are in the right place if you can commit a surrender to your own recovery from the disease of alcoholism.  Yes it also affects the family and friends and those who don't use or drink.

 

When I came into the program we use to read the definition of Alcoholism as authored by the Department of Health or so and for me it was very very informative.  Just part of it suggested that it affected me as much or more than it did my alcoholic addict wife and then I had not yet found out that I was born and raised with in the disease in my family (both sides) and  how to evaluate my own drinking.  I  didn't even know how to pronounce it or spell it cause in my family the furtherest we got was the word drunk and then that was being disrespectful and got the young people punished. 

 

 

 

This site has been around a long time and where many of our members are also Al-Anon members the site MIP is not a Al-Anon approved site.  You will find Al-Anon approval in the literature (get some lots of some) and in the face to face meetings where there is lots of literature and ESH Experience Strength and Hope which is what you will find so much of here.  We know where you are at and where you have come from and have spoken the same language also. Search the entry pages and take note of the Steps and Traditions which are foundation to those of us who have been "in program" for a while.

Understand your husband is a sick person...not a bad one.  This disease is old and listed in medical journals around the planet.  

I am attentive that your husband mentioned going to 90/90...90 meetings in 90 days.  As a recovering alcoholics what that means and strong value of it or ask someone else here and listen  with and open mind...without negative emotions and  thought standing in the way.  Keep coming back here also to listen to the ESH and ask questions again. We have lots and varying experiences that may help if you can stay open. 

Call your local Al-Anon local number...find out where they are at and where/when you can go down and get literature.

This  by far is the very best thing that happened to my life for which I am grateful to be offering you and be alive at the same time.   Keep coming back ((((Hugs)))) 

 

Welcome, C!

Even though what brings you here sucks, you are here to find some peace, and "here" is a great place to start!

I know that it will be near impossible to find a Face to Face meeting right now. So don't worry about that now. What we have is tons of online literature (stickies) and threads... tons and tons of personal information. Information that can help you see a different path for you! Also, like Rosie has mentioned, online meetings here. As well as many locations are having Zoom meetings.

That being said, I want to validate your feelings. It was hard for me to accept that I had years and years of denial and that my marriage had turned into one big lie! How could I be so foolish? Why was I accepting crumbs? Yes, I had the anger towards my spouse... that is completely normal. But I also had anger towards me.

Take each day as it comes. Heck, each moment as it comes! Your journey to healing is just beginning... so you will have lots of questions. I know I did! And not all of them were answered right away! I read... A LOT! LOL! I was determined to know this monster (addiction) that had ruined my life! For me, that was key. It helped me to understand the nature of this beast... and in doing so, it helped me to understand and accept why Al-Anon has all those slogans!

The best thing I learned straight away was this, The 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you cannot Cure it.
This came in stages for me. I first had to learn and ACCEPT that I could not control this! This took a lot of work on my part. A. Lot. Of. Work!
I then began to work on feeling better about myself, my needs, and my boundaries. I worked on the guilt. I finally understood I didn't Cause this, no matter what my qualifier said.
Lastly, I needed to ACCEPT that nothing I could/would do would Cure this for my spouse. It is entirely an "inside job" for them. Just as our healing/recovery is our job.

Keep coming back. Read. Absorb. Heal.
Wishing for you.... serenity this week. Stay healthy.

&

Catherine, another part of the problem...is that you keep focusing on him. Is it real? What's he doing? Why isn't he doing this? Why isn't he sorry? Why did he say that? And so on and so on. Even if it's not that bad, focusing on him, even 1%, is 1% less effort and focus on your own health and well-being. Also, if you stay out of his way, and keep him out of your mind...you will see what you need to see on it's own very soon. Like I said, you'll know what you are dealing with...if you stay out of his way.

You will know a lot sooner than 90 days in all likelihood whether or not he's sincere and authentic in his decision to quit.

As far as the meetings -- and your phone -- you can use your phone!!! Google alanon meetings in your town, then your state, then the nearest major metropolitan city, as a start. If you still seem to have a problem locating the meeting lists...say so again here. I would post multiple lists for you, but apparently it's not allowed here...why I don't know.

Hey everyone, here's a beginner/newcomer who obviously wants to go to a face to face meeting (virtual), and she's saying she's having trouble finding online meetings. Why can't we post lists of meetings for her? If we can, let's do so. If we can't, perhaps we can get an answer as to why...a simple, clear answer. Thank you.

Crmans - welcome to MIP. So very glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease for which there is no cure. The best course of treatment is abstinence and some type of recovery. AA is one recovery option for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is one recovery option for those who are affected by the drinking of a family member or friend.

I've heard it described that the Alcoholic obsesses over the substance and we (Al-Anon members) obsess over the Alcoholic. Most who live with or love an alcoholic are affected, some more than others and most find new ways of dealing and healing in recovery. I hear you that the pandemic has made it more overwhelming - you are not alone at all!

Simple concepts I heard when I started Al-Anon that really helped settle my racing thoughts included:
- One Day at a Time....not worrying about the past or the future - one has happened and can't be changed (no matter how much we desire it to be different) and one hasn't arrived yet so why worry!
- Keep it Simple....we did not get here with one incident last night - recovery is a life-long process, success comes to those who are willing to be open, humble and to change. Small changes can yield big results, one day at a time.
- The Three C(s)....I didn't cause this, I can't cure this and I can't control this. Alcoholism is a disease, not a choice. The affected person is not doing anything 'to' me or 'at' me even when it feels like that.
- Focus on self and be gentle....each of us has a different story, but most feelings are similar. Using the serenity prayer is helpful in determining what's within my control and what is not. Berating ourselves for unhealthy reactions to the disease and the diseased is not helpful or healthy.
- Breathe and Pause....when faced with uncomfortable feelings, events, emotions, etc. just breathe in and pause long enough to consider what might be a healthy response to include no response at all.
- QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally....the disease takes on a mind of it's own. Another persons actions/reactions is not a reflection on me, but rather a reflection on them. Alcoholics are sick people, not bad people.

As you start your journey during this pandemic, I do encourage you to just consider recovery each day. I still do this after a long while in recovery. As part of my self-care, I take a moment each morning and determine what I can do today to aid my recovery. That might be focusing on a healthy concept, some literature, a step, reading, meeting, speaker (you-tube videos are great right now). Spend what time you can to do something recovery-related, just for you. It doesn't have to be a long-drawn out 'thing' - even if you just practicing praying for a while - any effort is better than no effort at all.

For me, when my mind races, I tend to walk, exercise, pray, read, clean - anything to return my brain's focus on what's right in front of me. I hope you realize you really are not alone, there is always hope and help in recovery and we hope you keep coming back!

That's great. You have awareness and you are trying...and sounds like you are succeeding!!! Keep up the great work!

Yes, old habits, they become innate. It takes awareness, consciousness, and desire, and being present, to change. We can only change ourselves.

 

 

YAY Cmans!!  let  us know how that worked for you.  Another  member may want to duplicate it also.  It's how ESH works.  (((hugs)))

Great news Catherine! It's amazing that face to face alanon meetings are now available via zoom, skype, gotomeeting, etc. -- and we have great access to so many meetings.

Again, keep up the great work you are beginning to do by keeping the focus on YOU.

Hi Crmans,

I just wanted to welcome you and tell you how sorry I am that you're going through this. I sometimes use the "search" button on this board to read others experience, strength and hope on topics of interest to me and pertaining to what I'm going through. It's been helpful. I understand the hurt and disappointment you're experiencing. It brought me here long ago. Reading here and meetings here helped. There are morning and evening chatroom type meetings at this site. You can find the schedule by using the drop down menu in black at the top of this page. Under Alanon Family Group > Alanon Home Page you'll find a list of days and times. Keep coming back, keep sharing. ((hugs))) TT

Awesome news Crmans - so glad you got to the meeting and most importantly, found hope! That truly makes my heart smile for you and for how recovery works. Feel free to start new topics, ask questions, search other topics, etc. There is no perfect path or 'graduation', we all just do this as best we can, One Day at a Time! (((Hugs)))

I am so very glad to hear you found a meeting, and attended! That is great for you! I admire and respect anyone who walks through the door -- in-person or virtual -- of their first face to face alanon meeting. It is a first step, in the right direction, the healthy direction, and in the direction of you getting better. Keep going back. If you decide alanon is for you...keep going. Meeting makers make it.

Yes, it can be overwhelming. Yes, there can be a lot to learn. But you said it...hopeful. Yes, there is a lot of hope inside the meeting rooms of alanon...and that hope is for you...for you to feel better, get better, get healthy...alanon can and will offer that to you...All the best!!!