The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like im projecting some or maybe all of my mommy issues onto my sponsor. But shes like a mentor/ mother to me. And weirdly enough she shares the same name with my mom. The point is this woman has given me alot and our stories are almost parallel. I just want clarification of the bond one shares with their sponsor. for me its like having someone guide you through the hells of your mind.
My relationship with my sponsor was one of the first glimpses into what true intimacy is supposed to be. Someone with whom I could share what was going on without being judged or ridiculed. Someone who stayed true to her word. Someone who was honest with me about her own struggles and loved me enough to call me out on my own poor behaviors when they reared their ugly head.
The sponsor/sponsee relationship is definitely special. It's not without its challenges, of course - it's very important to remember that our sponsors are human beings, too. They're not infallible, so don't put them on a pedestal. They WILL anger or disappoint you and some point. But even when this happens they serve as a wonderful person to learn and grow with as you work out whatever conflict that may arise there.
I'm grateful to have a sponsor who gently guides me through the steps and helps keep me grounded while at the same time encouraging me to thrive.
My sponsor quit Alanon a while ago. She was a woman in Alanon- because there was no male available- at the time. But I still see her around town sometimes...
...as my memory and concentration began to improve- I began to include her in my prayers and my dreams. In some ways she is Alanon to me- an indelible part of my personality. ...
in my experience and experiences having shared with others, etc .. have found it's pretty common flower to view our sponsors for awhile even through a mother like perception .. it's not something we set out to do it sometimes just happens 'naturally through the process of healing inside our selves from past hurts an relationships .. in some ways it's a little like how we 'wish we would have been 'able to relate or speak freely with our mothers and yes at times it is our first encounter with intimacy; nurturing, real love; care; trust; hope; friendship .. etc .. at some point it will more than likely shift. My first sponsor is gone now but she will of course be remembered and carried always in mind and heart
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 10th of April 2020 04:46:42 PM
I have had quite a few sponsors over the years. Some weren't a good fit, some left the meetings or move out of state. Being an old-timer in the program it is difficult to have a sponsor who can give me what I don't have. I was taught by one of my sponsors to build a support system of several people within my meetings that I can talk to about anything and thereby get feedback, fellowship, honesty, and even friendship when needed, which has been a wonderful experience in my ongoing recovery!
I would not have made it in life or in the programs without sponsors! ...my HP has put several people in my life who have LITERALLY changed the direction for my life and my recovery in a positive way. I am more than Grateful...
Being a sponsor is a wonderful journey also! Some of the main benefits I receive from sponsees are keeping me rigorously honest with my humanness, having to apply my own suggestions that I give to my sponsees to myself [keeps me with a sense of humor toward myself], feeling useful in the program, and feeling my HP's grace in my life, even in rough times. I feel we cheat ourselves if we do not use this tool in our recovery.
-- Edited by Sudo4 on Friday 10th of April 2020 06:32:56 PM
I've never viewed my sponsor maternally, but definitely more as a mentor or life adviser. It was suggested I find someone who has what I want and that's how I go about it. I was an overly anxious, nervous perpetual worrier who could not sit still or quiet my mind when I arrived. I sought out those who were opposite of me, simply because they were calm, calming and full of grace/peace.
I have had frustrations at times with my sponsor, mostly because I didn't like what I heard or didn't agree and didn't know how to disagree constructively. That's very different today as I've learned in recovery how to say what I need to without JADE or blame/shame. I do believe that a sponsor greatly enhances recovery and is not optional. I also know from experience that if I can't be 100% open/honest, the sponsor is not a good fit.
I also have a small group of program friends that we co-sponsor each other as we've all been around a while. It's been helpful and I'm grateful for both experiences. As a sponsor, I do not chase sponsees, but rather let them set the pace. I feel it's my job to help when asked, and I don't push, badger, etc. another. I have found that when recovery is allowed to evolve naturally vs. forced, it's more beneficial for both.
Welcome to MIP Sudo4 - glad you found us and joined right in! Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My relationships with my sponsors were very similar mostly because I knew what was at stake, Living with my powerlessness over the disease and family involved. When I finally got into the program I learned that I didn't know a thing about the disease of addiction and didn't even know that I didn't know. When I attempted to fix the problem it always got worse....always and after a while I admitted I needed help from some where...anywhere and I took the mysterious route...Al-Anon which had be bouncing off of walls and such until I learned to follow the old cultural behaviors of following elders and listening to what they were doing and following how they did such.
I remember sitting in a meeting one evening and hearing my HP's voice say clearly, "You know this" (practice of behaviors of recovery) and I remembered the old lessons of how the elders taught cultural young to grow.
My Sponsors were very wise with the wisest being the middle sponsor, Don.T Which I saw as a message from my HP on how to go about making recovery decisions. Don'T attempt this on your own...call DonT first which I practiced as a rule and then a habit. He is passed...Mahalo HP for his mentorship and helping me fix up a room in my mind, heart, spirit and emotions where he can stay.
Yes, I have felt a maternal relationship with my sponsors in earlier recovery. I can recall reaching out to them on Mother's Day, thanking them for "raising me in Al-anon."
As a sponsor myself, I accept we human beings are powerless, not the great Do-er. The Higher Power works through sponsorship and fellowship, the One who had heard the longing of my heart to recover. Whenever sponsors or close al-anon friends fell away or moved away or passed away, I still had everything available to continue the climb. I had previously put limits on the Higher Power when I saw only one teacher, I have since learned they are everywhere.
Your post brings up my forever gratitude for my sponsors grace and willingness to share so generously with me. Through sponsorship, HP had been acting both gently and severely, much like a parent. Whenever I felt pushed and criticized (sometimes humiliated) by my sponsor or another fellowship member, my immediate response was defense and rebellion. I gradually realized the truth is really what I am after, I learned to ask myself "is this true?" whenever pride settled down, I could move on to practice obedience and the daily disciplines...my gratitude continues. What i had always longed for, and work for, is given by Divine Mother. very much like a human mother gives in to her very demanding child, lol
Forever, I will keep coming back and hope you do too. Enjoying all the ways HP is responding to our need (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 11th of April 2020 08:26:41 AM
I think the bond you share with a sponsor is a combination of many things -- what you are looking for, what the other person is capable of giving, doing, etc., and many more things as well. For me, I've had three sponsors in 26 years in the room. I was very, very careful in selecting who I wanted to ask. I also had put a lot of thought into it, because I knew what I wanted to do and accomplish...I wanted to get better!!! I wanted to be healthy.
What was critical for me -- and I asked each if what they thought, and if they were able to give to me -- was objectivity and accountability. I wanted, needed, their insight, objectivity, experience, wisdom, and I needed them to help me and hold me accountable in doing the things I needed to do. I also needed, at times, their advice and in certain cases, their recommendation...because I knew I was not being objective. I was so "in it" I needed someone outside of me, outside of the situation, someone other than me, to tell me what a normal, healthy person should and would do...and what I needed to do in order to get better, and get healthy.
Two other things -- one, I stuck with winners!!! People who I knew who went through what they went through and made it through, and were healthy. I wanted a winner! Two, I wanted meeting makers...because meeting makers make it! I wanted someone who lived it, did it, day to day. My sponsor knows me, better than anyone. He's lived what I've gone through with me. He's helped me stand my ground, honor and stand by my boundaries, and has given me that swift kick in the rear end when I needed it. My sponsor once said, he would go through hell WITH ME...but he couldn't go through hell FOR me. They both made it clear that it was up to me. I had to do the work...and they both said I had to be the one to make changes. They were both far more than just a person who listened to me and spouted program to me. They both saved my life.
The relationship with a sponsor can be the most rewarding, helpful, beneficial, and amazing relationship you've ever had with someone...if you want it to be, find the right person, and you both put in the effort, and if you do the work. That's what it has been for me.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you all for your insight my sponsor was ill and I took it very had as I was projecting my abandonment issues onto to her. I was honest with her for the first time before this happened. I told her that I am scared as a lot of the things I have repressed were coming to the surface. I am grateful though that I had a fellow Al-anon member lend me their ear during this time when my sponsor was not available.
...