The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thoughts and prayers with IamHere as she tends to family matters...
Another great page today, this on the topic of Detachment with love, the important qualifier. The writer admits having previously known only how to perform the often easier, but less healthy and effective, detachment with indifference. This involved the closing off of feelings toward another in an attempt to avoid being hurt emotionally. Their recovery path led to consideration of the concept that indifference could be more harmful than hate.
AlAnon enables many to see how our feelings toward others may be mirroring our thoughts about ourselves. Reaching a point where we are able to see past the unlovable disease and love the alcoholic may also signal the point in our recovery where we accept and love ourselves despite our own limitations. -------------------
When I found AlAnon I was exhausted, frustrated and resentful after trying everything I could to control someone else's drinking. The only detachment I was capable of was absolute.
AlAnon helped me see that I was no better than the alcoholic and had just as many character defects that needed to be addressed. I was able to find hope in a higher power by working the 12 Steps of AA myself as Tradition 5 describes.
It was by doing this that I begin to grasp the concept of detaching with love rather than cling to my former habit of complete cutting off by removal of compassion and love. By doing so, I was introduced to a grace and serenity that was life changing.
I am so grateful for the guidance of AlAnon and the peace I have found as a result of working the Steps :)
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you Paul for your service. I pray all in your world are healthy.
I lived a good 2 years (at least) in the State of Detachment w/Indifference. I was too affected by the fallout of this disease to see a different way. Because I had been a member of Al-Anon from before, and had moved through the 12 steps, you would think I was immune to the anger of having an addicted spouse. Not so. To protect my sanity and try and maintain a "peaceful" home, I used my tools and stayed in that state of indifference. But later I found that kind of led to not caring... and that isn't really Love. I had to work on me, see what I truly wanted, understand what I could bear in life, before I found compassion. Full disclosure; I could not do this while living with my SO. Almost 2 years post divorce, I think that I have approached Detachment with Love. At least I have found my compassion. Still hate the disease with a wild-hot fire, though!
A rainy Thursday here. I am glad. The rainy weather keeps all the people inside their homes!
Grateful for this space.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks Paul for your service and for both above ESH's. Detaching with love has taken me several years of practice, and I can't always detach with love, not for trying though! I was great at putting up a huge wall, and nothing could penetrate it. When I did the steps with my sponsor, I eventually made amends to my A for hurting her with my behavior. I never would have imagined that I had amends to make to the A. Alanon is an amazing program that I continue to learn and grow from. Lyne
Thank you, Paul and everyone for sharing on detachment. For me, the idea of detachment with love is the crux of Al-Anon, and so challenging to get to. I started out detaching with anger, and it took me a while to get to indifference, much longer to get to acceptance, and I am still working at an imperfect level of detachment with love.
Like PnP, I found detachment easier when there was physical distance. This reduced my stress, and in a calmer state of mind I could be more rational instead of reactive. The spiritual journey of detachment continues.
The alcoholic in my life has been dead for several years. I practice amends by never speaking badly of him, and when I have negative thoughts or reactions, promptly admit it and try to redirect myself to a more loving direction.
Thanks Paul... ... I heard about detachment at my very first meeting. And it set root in my mind and my soul.
I cannot recall when, or how a shift took place... ...but the burden of anger and rage began to shift too...
...some people say that those of us in recovery are better equipped to deal with the pandemic. Maybe so- for some of us... In NZ we don't wear face masks at all- I haven't seen one yet! And yet, in a country of nearly 5m people we have had one only fatality, so far.
My concern, really is the pandemic of addiction, that has ripped through th lives of our loved ones. And what is being done to address this. In Alanon, we are on the front line off this battle.
Ok- so I learned that we will never ever win the battle by attacking ourselves!
As there is a wind-down and review- of the pandemic, personally, I will still be addressing the destruction wrought on the world by addiction.
Learning to learn was big step for me- in step with our HP.
I read that full reading tonight myself .. what also jumped out to me in it was this: In Al-Anon I've come to feel 'safe enough to feel my feelings. I no longer need to shut out the love I feel for myself or for the alcoholic in my life. I can see myself as more than my feelings and I can see the alcoholic as more than his or her disease ..
a long time of living in feelings (fear) only and never feeling 'safe enough .. grateful alanon provides a safe atmosphere where we can feel safer together ..
thanks for sharing this .. I relate to the pandemic of addiction which reaches in (everywhere) effecting not only the body but the spirit and mind as well .. thanks for sharing this .. that detachment without understanding or wanting to without keeping an open mind to possibilities aka without hope for anything 'better truly hurts both when we do it or when we have it done to us .. i think the hurt part is sometimes it's all part of the 'learning the wisdom to know the difference for having gone 'thru it .. thankful again we don't 'have to go 'thru it 'alone anymore .. heart ouch ..
and Learning to learn David just have to say seems to be the theme of my week here .. hitting home in me the word Learn .. was sharing tonight it's very humbling to admit I had to come to alanon to even Begin to Learn How to have hope .. grateful we're all here ..
Thanks all above for sharing your individual ESH...one of the things that I find incredible about the program is the flexibility: the framework allows each of us to find a pathway to growth that accommodates our unique backgrounds and circumstances, yet brings us to a common ground of peace...if we simply keep working at it :)
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you Paul. This posting seems very pertinent and relevant to me and reminds me that I am on a journey myself.
I have done full attachment and trying to control; I have done detaching with anger and resentment and I have done detachment with 'care' (I don't think it was love) for the period when my AH and I were physically seperated.
I am currently on lockdown with my AH and I think at best I am detaching with indifference, as the reader shared. I am getting lots of lovely serenity as where I live (UK) we are allowed out to exercise once a day and luckily I have found some beautiful deserted walks through rolling green meadows close to where I live and the sun has been shining! Back in the home I can keep calm and serene by removing myself to the garden or a different room. I admit I am struggling with the 'love' bit. I think it is partly that I never spent this much time in the same house with anyone let alone my AH. But as they say progress not perfection and this too will pass.
Thank you all for the shares and peace and health to you all.
Thank you Paul for your service and the daily! Love the shares from everyone....I also detached with dislike first, contempt even at times. As I began to 'get it', indifference set in. My journey is similar to Paul's - when I worked on me through the 12 Steps, I then found that I could detach from those I love with grace, compassion and some level of love. With even more focus on me, I am even able (most days) to practice unconditional love. I believe this is a gift from my HP, who loves me unconditionally.
I can say that this whole pandemic, stay @ home situation can present many new opportunities to practice detachment and many other tools in recovery. I have come to accept that there will be a period of time each day where my AH must 'man-splane' something from the news (which I've already seen)....like other experiences, if I just act as if I am listening and interested and don't participate, it ends quicker! I must admit that he's somehow become the recipient of OPS - Other People's Stuff - while working in the yard. The neighbor's behind us are arguing over their new garden. The neighbor next to that home just got home from a hysterectomy. Lastly, the neighbor's next door to us are extremely frustrated because their contractor for their new hot tub has been MIA for 2 months...it just makes me giggle that he's in 'this position' as he's quite the introvert...
Here's to a great weekend for all - and happy Easter too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Paul... ... I heard about detachment at my very first meeting. And it set root in my mind and my soul.
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