Hi Atheos, I'm sorry that happened to you. I know it can be so stressful when someone calls us out personally -- and for no good reason.

What comes to my mind is "pause." Maybe you don't have to make a decision or statement about that sponsor right away. I know for me, when I've been in this situation, talking it out with others outside of the situation -- like you did here on MIP -- has helped me calm down and think more clearly about what to do.

Another thing that has helped me is to write a short statement about the issue on a slip of paper and put it in my God Box.

I hope you got some sleep and are able to feel more peaceful.

 

   Atheos... your share came in last night, our time- and I left it for other members to respond, in the mean time.

                     I have had a similar experience- part of the reason I am a member of this group.

                     In theory I groups begin with the incoming member, includes the existing member. Goes with the group

                     rep. to a district assembly- to conference right to WSO. Okay in theory, but it is progress not perfection.

                     You might know of Hotrod who was a senior member here, before she passed. We swapped notes a fair

                      bit and were and to compare  what happened in Alanon on NYC, and why happened out here in the

                      outer islands.

                      Actually there weren't really many differences. My response was to be a responsible group member

                       in this group- MIP Alanon- and to play my part- trying to ensure that our group was on an even keel.

                      Not so hard to do here- because we have seasoned members here; we all work closely together on

                      group building; holding together our own group conscience.

                      So some members here might be exiles from F2F groups?  For me, anyway, I have used my time here 

                      to get a better foundation, for myself. There are some tough cookies in some of our groups. I might be 

                      coming one myself, LOL... but I fancy that I have a really soft centre!  ...

                      I hope this share makes some sense to you, ma'am!

                       ... ... ...

-- Edited by DavidG on Saturday 4th of April 2020 11:40:16 AM

 

 

 

((((Atheos)))) Thanks for Avatar on your post.  The manu keiki (child bird) is one of my cultural spirit and I got short presence with one this morning as I stepped up to say welcome and that I was listening to its body language which was humble and innocent.  It flew off and left  me with yours which for me has always been a powerful spirit when I find myself in situations where my spirit and ego have been pinched.  I won't belittle your condition and how it happened only remembering how I use to handle it; with power ego and self righteous indignation and all of the hurtful reactions I knew.

You responded good...program good.  It took me much practice and time and belief and trust to be able to do it like you have today.  I learned to visualize myself sitting in the palms of my HP and just being silent in rest.  I visualize a lot now because that works for me.  When I woke this morning first thing I went to visualization and then to the miracles of the literature and some conversation with my wife who is also in our program and then thoughts of our membership with visualization as if I was in a ZOOM group.  There is for me no more powerful spiritual therapy so I do it...daily.

Let yourself off the hook.  You know and know that you know who Atheos really is. Continue to love her even when you might feel others have stopped.  Practice forgiveness for her and yourself as you need. Keep talking to your HP and sponsor and the Manu Keiki and keep coming back.  Mahalo for the help.   Hugs.  

Being hurt, feeling hurt...is deeper, stronger, bigger, etc., when it comes from someone who "shouldn't" so to speak. One, we "expect" and for some "know" a certain someone wouldn't do that. Two, we "expect" and for some "know" a certain someone shouldn't do that. And, we "expect" and for some "know" that a certain someone couldn't do that. Perhaps more. The clarity is...we expect, we know...and there is the opportunity to look at ourselves. Sure, after that, truly after that, it can be about the certain someone.

I've been going into the rooms of alanon for more than a quarter century...and what I realize, have great awareness and clarity around...is that most people who go to meetings are unhealthy people. Some know it, some don't.

So, how do you let go. For me, letting go is actually easy. In my experience, most people don't or can't let go...ready for this? Because...they don't want to! They say they do, but they really don't. No different than step one. Everyone will tell you that they "accept" they are powerless over alcohol, alcoholism, and the alcoholic. They say it, they get it, they will recite it to you back and forth, up and down. They will repeat it, often for years. However they really don't accept it. Accept it in the way that will allow them to let it go. I don't mean intellectually accept it. I mean accept it to the point where it's innate, and they give up any resistance to it. They surrender. Then, letting go is easy.

How do you let go. One, immerse yourself in acceptance. Complete and total acceptance. Immersed to the point where you no longer feel the need to resist, fight, oppose, try to prevent, fix, control, where you give up your will completely. At that point, two, then comes surrender. Most people don't really don't connect, and don't get present with surrender. Surrender is a completely passive, at peace with what you are accepting state of mind. And, lastly, after the first two are complete... letting go happens naturally. You don't even have to try. It's a conscious mindset, but it happens. It's freeing, it's peaceful.

Ask most people -- when they do the steps -- how long do they spend on step one? It's very telling. Letting go, in my experience, does not happen, cannot happen, without acceptance and surrender. Not real hurt, real pain, real disappointment, real anger, real resentment. That's my experience, and what has always worked for me.

I'm sorry you had to go through this, and thanks for sharing and bringing this up, because I'm pretty sure a lot of us have had experiences similar to this with people we trust and hold in high esteem - sponsors included.

I've had issues come up with my sponsor in the past, too, where her behavior just kind of shocked me. Then I had to remember... she's human, too, and as an Al-Anon member, she's also sick, like me.

Our quibble was over a service situation and we didn't see eye-to-eye on a solution - she even got downright defensive and condescending with me over it and at the time I felt pretty upset and hurt. However, I kept principles before personalities where this one issue was concerned and let it drop because the disagreement had been over a service issue... the "business side" of Al-Anon, as I categorized it... and not over my personal growth in the program working the steps with her. She is still my sponsor and I still consider her an amazing friend, and I actually have yet to ever tell her of that incident bothering me. It's so long ago now, it really doesn't matter to me.

Reading your post reminds me that first and foremost, I'm the one who has the power to hand my happiness over to someone else. When I'm centered, I know other people's behaviors are about them... NOT about me.

Second, I'm reminded that when I am disturbed there's something going on inside of me that could use some looking at. Usually it's always drilled down to fear. Generalizing, it's usually fear of losing something that I think I have or not getting something that I want. My fear at that time with my sponsor was that this disagreement would lead to us not working together. That I'd lose a friend. That things would be awkward between us, etc.

I think you're doing the right thing for right now - especially the pausing and reasoning things out with someone else. I encourage you to really look at your part in the situation, check your motives, etc., make sure your side of the street is clean. Then, if you still feel you need to say something to your sponsor, remember to say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don't say it mean. She's a hurting unit, too - and I'm pretty sure the stress of these current times is pushing a lot of people to behaving in unkind ways at times.

In the long run, you need to do what's comfortable for you when it comes down to who you're going to work with as a sponsor. If you truly feel unsafe with her, then by all means, work with someone else. Life is too short to be working with someone that continually busts your serenity when instead they're supposed to be gently guiding you to maintain serenity.