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Hi there. Day whatever of having been cooped up with the AH. Am now fully working from home - I want to believe I can still go to my office but it is safer if I don't. But man I have to practice our program a lot more. UGH!
Tonight AH had a memory blip - we all took a family walk outdoors (no one else was on this unused trail). No one but me has left the house in a long while and I thought the fresh air would do us good. I told the kids and AH that they could turn around whenever they wanted. Kids elected to stay and complete our short trek, AH went home. In the few minutes that we stayed out longer and then returned home, he completely forgot that we had all taken this walk and thought we had left him somehow. Then he saw my car was still in the driveway and he started to freak out. He said he was seconds away from calling 911 before we returned. This is just the latest in a long line of memory and neurological issues that have creeped up. Later in the evening he wanted to watch tv but again forgot how to work the remote. This always makes him very angry. Which then leads to bad things.
It just so happened that in the midst of this I was corresponding with a colleague whose wife was just diagnosed with a scary cancer. He wanted me to alert our friends and also to let them know that they were in need of encouragement. (I do have some incredibly emotionally healthy and mature colleagues. I mean - imagine, a man asking his younger colleague to tell our friends that he and his wife really needed some words of encouragement because they are frightened. My AH could not conceive of such a thing.) Because of COVID, my colleague has to sit in the car while his wife goes on all these doctor visits alone. She holds the phone up on speaker phone, but it is very hard for them to be apart at this time. I was literally in the middle of writing back to him that I was "calling in the troops". AH asked me what I was doing and I told him. He already forgot who this colleague was, and got very snippy about it. He was angry that I wasn't feeling sorry about His latest inability to use the remote control.
Anyway, I got stuck in the bedroom with him while he cried and went on his usual rant about how everyone is against him and everything is everyone else's fault and he has all these problems for which there are no solutions YADA yada yadaaaa. I remained totally silent. I made a momentary pitch to HP "please either give me the patience to keep my mouth shut or allow him to pass out fast", and I pictured myself sitting in a mountain glade, under a water fall with water pouring over my head. I imagined his words was that water. It occurred to me that a more accurate picture would be if I was sitting under a cow that was pooping. But I stuck with the water fall image. I also kept repeating "can't fight insanity with logic". Also, "if I could get out of this room without engaging, I would get to come on this board and brag on myself".
So eventually he Did pass out. I did not engage. We did not have a fight. I'm here to pat myself on the back.
That's all. Thanks for listening. I hope everyone stays well.
I love your vision about the waterfall and the alternative cow pooping! I might try the former myself - so thank you! It sounds as if you are doing the best you can in a really challenging situation. Actually your headline really resonated with me as I was thinking along similar lines. I wouldn't exactly call it an advantage, but given the highly limited options to physically detach from our qualifiers, this Covid situation is surely giving me lots of 'opportunities' to practice working the program.
My AH has the same situation with his phone as yours seems to have with the remote. He can't remember his passcode or indeed any numbers but at least it keeps him 'occupied' for 30 mins or so before he falls asleep around 5pm. Then the children and I get the whole evening in peace to ourselves - bliss! I am also making sure we all have lots of things to do during the day, so we are not physically in the same room while he watches the same TV programmes one after another, so detachment is possible and as a result he does what we want and we do what we want and are managing to avoid arguments, which I know would be fruitless anyway and the only only one who would be hurt is me. My mantra is this will pass and one hour at a time. There will come a day when these restrictions are lifted and we can move onto the next stage of our respective lives.
I would like to extend the warmest support to you Fedora!! I have been exactly in your shoes (minus the Safer AT Home order!). Your post was a great reminder to me, about how Krazy life was in those last few months before my kid and I fled. Alcohol had "pickled" my spouse's brain, and there were many times I was amazed at the basic things he had forgotten how to do! During those times, it was extremely difficult to be near him - as I can tell you know the feeling. That was when I picked up "Grey Rocking." It was a very, very useful tool at that time.
On a positive note, his brain did improve with a year and a half of rehab! He was able to return to his career. Even though we were no longer married, I was so happy to see that, as we did not part ways as enemies. Sadly, his sobriety did not last. Within months of picking up again, his family is reporting that "he has some sort of brain damage." Because I lived with it, I know it's from the alcohol intake.
I commend you for using all the tools in your Al-Anon toolbox while stuck in the room with your SO! Your imagery was perfect! Keep moving forward with your amazing strength! I pray that you find peace, and you and your family stay healthy.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
your headline kinda cracks me up but I totally get it. I would not have chosen alcoholic insanity as a teacher either but in the end, I doubt I could have learned what I learned any other way.
I am a visual person and completely understand the cow image. Reminds me of the pigeon story on page 74 in Courage to Change too.
For me, I remember the feeling of his giant thumb squashing me. Also had the feeling his energy came into the house like a tornado.
As you began writing about turning to your Higher Power in prayer (program perfection!) and imagining yourself in the mountain glade... I began feeling gladness you were heading to your happy place... and the waterfall was HP's grace... raining over you as you prayed to the power greater than alcoholism... your mind absorbed in this happy place...
(((detachment)))
ultimately, that's what you did and I am celebrating with you!!
trust me, you will get more opportunities with or without a "stay at home order." I have every confidence it will work for you as it did for me. with every experience, you keep practicing little by little, more and more... until detachment becomes a natural habit (freedom.)
Well done, Fedora! You are so strong. I admire you. I know how scary the brain damage is, and how hard to live with. I am glad you and the children are giving yourselves a break by taking walks outside.
{{{Fedora}}}. Kudos to you on coping and focusing on yourself!
Im also having too much time with my A who is mostly sober but not in recovery for alcohol. I have so many more opportunities to practice, practice, and practice. Its overwhelming at times but with program I can carry on as needed. Stay well to all, Lyne
Side vent: AH woke me up this morning to tell me he decided he should take the kids and visit his family. He thinks the virus thing is "possibly fake" and "even if it isn't, we won't get it". When I pointed out that his SIL will refuse to let him/kids visit her family, he just blew up. Called her all kinds of names. We only narrowly averted a major family war because he couldn't think fast enough about how to text her to call her names directly.
My brother is literally on the front lines in a major city hospital and is risking his life to save other people. So I'm not taking this "fake news" thing lightly. I did start on some words but I tried to chew them up before I spit them out. I think I managed to keep it under most wraps. Luckily AH passed out again. (Morning booze is never good.)
UGH.
Ok, going back to work. (Online.) Just had to get that out.
Hi Fedora... good save there...! So much courage in the face of so much concern!
I have a joke moment on the first of the month- with a couple of cousins- a pinch and a punch. I think we managed to unearth some of the wees and poos jokes we used to share at about age 9. It is a grim time, all round, and a bit of gallows laughter took us away from the moment, for a short while.
I am done of the regulars here- on MIP Alanon... you will see me around the board. So this is just a heads-up and a hi! I think a lot of us are still stunned. That is the feeling I get here- in my own community here in NZ.
(((Fedora))) - keep coming back - the ESH in your share is awesome and my heart smiles when I see recovery in action. Keep doing what you're doing - it looks great on you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Fedora)))) great program use! I was using the present and aware, but not engaging technique last night myself. NOT easy, but avoiding the argument is so nice!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
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