The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mum used a lot of sayings- like "hold your horses" or "hold the fort". In them days four letter words weren't really invented- and her favourite swear word was:- "Hell's bells and buggy wheels!"
I was the oldest of five kids. I was allowed to drive the tractor at age 12. Until recently I had the same tractor in my back yard. I gave it to a friend down the road- and he built up an orchard with a roadside stall- with the land, and the tractor as a base.
I had three brothers. Th next one down would argue with me and then B###### off instead to working. One day we were picking up windfall apples- to feed to the pigs- and he lasted about 20 mins.
So I found it easier to do things on my own. I took on the role of collected and cutting firewood too- a necessity for our winters.
I suppose that doing this gave our dad more time to spend in the pub- so maybe I enabled him.
Sometimes, today, I have to create limits to my involvement. Boundaries. I also like pitching in and doing stuff- so I need not miss out, neither.
But not to be a martyr... and having people expect things to be done for them.
I got up early in the morning today- to attend a zoom meeting in New York. Sometimes I think that when the sun comes over New York, the natives there think it is lighting up the whole world!
There! A sign of resentment. Better that, though, than the "friendly fire" we sometimes receive from our friends and allies!
my first visit to the USA- we got out of the airport and hailed a taxi. Us kiwis like to sit in the front and talk with the driver. So I hopped in the cab- and realised I was sitting behind the steering wheel. OMG, I thought, I will have guns pointing at me soon!
I managed to get into the right side, and was getting on well with the driver. I asked after his family- and tears started streaming down his face. OMG!
Coming into LA airport the first thing I noticed, between the runways the californian poppies. We have these same poppies here at home- bought in by the old 49ers, during the gold rush.
Second time coming into NY, we found out that SO's mum had died in NZ. We left the camper in New Jersey and travelled into the city.
We lit candles in the church next door to the backpackers. Upstairs in the church I attended a classic NY AA meeting, with a Hebrew chairperson. I was greeted at the door. When Americans hear an oversea accent they step up a couple of notches. Almost always. So the member sitting beside me created me like royalty.
The next day Sunday I found out that the church was a cathedral. It ran from 3rd street- right through to !st street. They were having a sung mass. So the congregation was asked to come up and join the choir!
So two of us got up and got to sing. And my SO was left there sitting on her own. There was no-one else there.
The AA meeting in NY was a classic alcoholics only meeting. In comparison I went to a meeting with a friend north of San Francisco. There was every addiction there, under heaven. I did not hear a drinker speak!
My host pointed out all the guys in the group who had asked her for a date. Sad to hear. But maybe because I was there she stood up and shared- which was a really neat share.
Later on we went to the school to pick up her daughter. We hung out there for an hour or so with daughter and other kids- maybe they were waiting for their folks to get home for work?
I find that some Americans are really jumpy. Just by going to that school someone might believe I am a paedophile. But if you read this story- about the taxi and taxi-driver you will see that my home culture is different.
I come from a different place, and maybe even a different age. ...
I applied for a job harvesting grapes- to help pay fo my holiday in Fiji, when all of this is over.
I am just grieving a little- that my wage-earning life is about over... ...I wanted to be a hero- on the frontier, helping our local economy. Like a lot of kids- I began this work at age 12- in weekends. My first paid job was harvesting carrots. I say this often but our foreman was the local cop.
But i really need to be close to home, My den, my garage and our backyard needs work. My SO is an essential worker and doing call-outs. We need a home base.
Maybe I needed a geographical- to get out from under her feet. But today ah kin communicate- and laugh and cry. Have learned how to live okay.
I have a book to finish- and I always, but always had this tension between paid work and study; and scholarship.
Why pin a medal on a dead person?
I am aware that a lot of people, worldwide have gone into a state of shock.
F2F meetings- are now few and far between- and people are looking for internet connection. To maintain networks of family and friends.
We could run around like cut cats trying to cater here, for newcomers and refugees. I believe we should welcome and accept newcomers! No doubt about that.
We need to encourage each other to be self-reliant. To be resourceful. To be vulnerable, when we need to.
I am lucky to live in a nation of about 5m people. A nation state that is easy to govern, really. Surrounded by sea, as a border. It will still be tough. Rugged.
Hmmm... Needed time to stretch my brain muscles... to learn to move on. Our rites of passage. These were often messy- or non-existent in our FOO.
And our rituals of encounter too... which creates healthy, fluent boundaries. ...
Thanks again, for the opportunity to share my ESH.
Never been to the US though you and I share a country of birth. I'm glad I'm on my little island, like you said yours is easy to patrol and I always but always found the state intrusion there in Godzone to be suffocating. Mind you, mine was the generation that came of age in a different time. I'm assured there used to be a lot of freedom there; I just never tasted it, so I spread my wings, caught the wind and never looked back. There are no breezes just now but once the stillness passes, I'm taking to the air again for sure. Or maybe just for a week long hike!
David, thank you for sharing. So where in NJ were you?
Well, as we get older, life changes and our life changes. Both do. We cannot control or choose the cards we are dealt...but we can choose and control how we play the hand.
My father, who is now 85, is starting to face many changes in his life that he does not like. Some he is accepting and facing, and accommodating...others he is not. He is in denial. But, he will figure it out on his own. While he still owns his business, and has a succession plan in place...he can no longer do much of the "manual" labor he has done most of his life. Into his late 70's he was still able to "load" and "unload" steel on and off the trucks. He did it less and less into his 80's. Now, I don't think he can do it from beginning to end. He can still do many parts of it, but not all. He is angry about that. I get it.
My dad often says that as we get older, perhaps our "bodies" can no longer do things it used to...but our "minds" become more experienced, more knowledgeable, and more knowing.
All the best David.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
A 41... last year, or so it seems, I did a round of getting to know core members well... leaning inwards... which is a great strength now... as events unfold...
...sometimes I forget stuff, and other times I recall very core and essential things... so comparing notes on our shared inheritance... ...In the day most kids regarded their home town 'as a dump' and couldn't wait to leave. Not really trying to guess your geography- but guessing your generation interests me... ...
Bo... we came up through the south- was it 2013? and got to Gettysburg where we had a major domestic. Things mellowed out coming through Pennsylvania- where I saw some prime War of Independence sites!
We jus' sped through the town of NJ. Jus' along enough for me to pick up a Noo Joisy accent... I would have liked to have overnighted here- because I love exploring the highways and byways of the USA!
oddly i feel like comparing notes. theres reason we produce so many broody writers. the place evokes the bones. the temperature . the massive sky over greenest green, the coasts and the contrast between such wild beauty and utter misery of existence. i did some great writing there. australia, different again. a different energy. rebelllious. the south pacific isles...layers of subtlety and a shrinking mischief . we are pretty lucky down under. lots of inspirational sources.
A41... I think I had a crack at trying to repair that misery of existence... ...and I am still believing that this might happen once this bug thing is beaten! Still trying to penetrate this mystery of words.
I think Alanon is a funny place to be. I like it here. ...
I looked at a 6 day retreat on Maui with Kim Eng and Eckhart Tolle... about $US1600. No cynicism here... just an option. In October... and going to visit my family on Kadavu. Part of the motive towards getting a grape picking job was the spend the proceeds on Kadavu, when the quarantine is lifted.
Part of my house has new tin on the roof. I lay on my bed and could see light through the old tin peeping at me. So I asked to move the bed to the other side. My hosts shifted it a bit. Later I shifted bed, bricks and all, laid up some mats and a makeshift table and made the place my own.
I reflect on my codependency, people pleasing, and the spectrum between goodwill, and self interest. I choose absolutely where I want to be on that spectrum.
That applies equally to my membership of MIP Alanon. I had to deal with person on the Steps board, and therefore stepped up my sharing here- to keep myself on track.
I used to be a newsaholic- pure and simple. And I "detoxed". But to day I am following the current world issue, using multiple news sources. I want to know, and need to know, what is happening- as it unfolds.
Don't have to apologise for that.
I have the right to be wrong. But I don't make the same wild erratic mistakes the used to bedevil me.
my first visit to the USA- we got out of the airport and hailed a taxi. Us kiwis like to sit in the front and talk with the driver. So I hopped in the cab- and realised I was sitting behind the steering wheel. OMG, I 
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