Flower - I am sorry that you are struggling - you really are not alone! Nobody has the tools to deal with a pandemic, which we are all facing. I just posted a collection of online resources that may help you...I know that speakers were helpful to me when I first started out - helped me realize that the 'stuff' in my head is not unique, I'm not sicker than others, I'm just in need of recovery to re-align me and center me.

Keep posting here and if you see progress, that's worth celebrating! For me, I did not get where I landed (my bottom) overnight and I did not climb out to a better place overnight. It really has been about progress daily vs. perfection. Just do the best you can, one day or moment at a time to focus on your recovery, literature, steps, etc.

(((Hugs)))

flower, welcome...and I am sorry you feel you are struggling, fearful, regretful, etc. I get it. Been there, done that. So many people in alanon have.

That said, you have something that -- in my experience -- 90% of the people do not have...and that is...AWARENESS. Read your post. You have awareness around what you are feeling. Not just being able to say you are feeling it, but you are present, in touch, and connected with it. Big difference! But you got it!

When I was faced with what you are facing...when I was dealing with what you are dealing with...I stopped. I took a deep breath. And then I got to work!!! First, and before anything else I tackled -- and I mean really tackled -- acceptance. I accepted that I felt these things. I accepted it so much, that I embraced it. I looked for and to those feelings. I sat with those feelings, and I said, OK, I feel this way, got it, OK...but I am not going to let those feelings consume me, I am not going to let them eat me alive. I feel alone...but I am not resigning myself to be a lonely person. I feel this way, just for now, just for today. Acceptance. Not simply intellectual acceptance. Not the kind of acceptance people spew when they say I accept I can't do anything about the alcoholic's drinking...acceptance in and around what you are feeling and that you cannot wish them away, nor will you try.

That leads to the next part...Surrender. Complete and total surrender. That is the desire, the ability to no longer fight the feelings, to completely feel them and no longer view them as something to fear, something to run from. Surrender is when you are at peace with these feelings...you may not like them, but you accept them, and live and feel them. You wake up in the morning, look out the window, and it's raining. You get your raincoat and umbrella and you smile at the rain. Surrender.

When you surrender, truly surrender...a miracle will happen...you will then find peace, serenity, and you will be able to, let it go! The feelings will still be present sometimes, but they will not be who you are, what you are...they will be present, and you will accept them, but they won't be som growing monster inside of you that will consume you. Being able to let go, allows you to have a peaceful relationship with unwanted feelings. It allows you to keep those feelings in a healthy and safe place. Letting go doesn't mean they disappear, forever. Some might, some might not. But they will be completely superficial in your mindset and life.

As far as your recovery...talk to you sponsor. If you feel you are half-assing your recovery...keep it simple. Stop!!! Go to work!!! Aim for things that will help you in your recovery, and those things are obvious...objectivity and accountability. That will eliminate the half-ass.

I really admire and respect your awareness, and also how open and honest you are being. That's a rare quality, unfortunately. You are far better off than you think you are. All the best.

((((flower))))))

I hope that you are taking strength from the shares above... we all can hear the AWARENESS within you! Keep touching bases with your sponsor and keep writing. Perhaps now is the time to do that Step 4? I used a workbook my sponsor recommended, and I bought it off Amazon. It gave me "real-time" pages of "homework." I found it invaluable and made it easier to do (or harder to put off!).

Wishing you peace to face your fears!
&

(Blueprint for Progress)

I keep coming back and reading these posts...resentment was the topic of the men's meeting tonight, and we had people all over North America attend a NNJ men's meeting via zoom! It's incredible to hear different people share their perspective and insight on resentment!!! Thanks for posting!