The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am just so humbled by the sharing here. The time we have all spent here, together is paying off. A place where we can just be, when we need to.
Today is our provincial holiday. So SO is having a lazy morning in bed. I am just so grateful to have a happy intact relationship. This did not happen overnight. It was always challenging, to say the least!
My SO is a health worker- and will be very busy over the next 3 or 4 months. I was planning to go over to the coast to do somework on our property. But I decided to pull the pin in the middle of last week. A good move, as it emerged. I live in a country with two large islands- and the sea is our border. Which is a great asset now. But it is only a matter of time before we feel the full force of the virus.... However there has been time to prepare.
The point being- charity does begin at home... and also, as we learn in Alanon I let it begin with me.
... this is time when we can shine...
...a lot of us are experts in dealing with crisis... ...
More and more the power of human connection shines through. Everyone is in this together...
...evening here... the whole of our country goes into complete lock-down midnight on Wednesday.
I was just thinking- that this is the point where my life begins to go straight down the cliff! Then I remembered, thankfully- that that was my old mind-set. ...
Hi everyone, It's early morning here and I can't sleep. So I thought I would do something positive, instead of letting the committee meeting go around and around in my head.Like all of you the Virus has finally found our Town. I too have been trying to keep my Anxiety at a manageable level, haven't been doing such a good job at it though. I could feel it building up in me, and came to a head yesterday, when I went up Town. My Daughter and I, were going to go up the Esculator, I had a trolley, and I had rubber thongs on,as I had hurt my big Toe,and couldn't put shoes on, the rubber thong got caught on the esculator, and I learnt forward to stop myself from falling. I went to grab hold of the hand rail, and then thought about how many people had touched it. That's when I nearly did fall over. Thankfully my daughter grabbed hold of me. I felt such a fool, I thought to myself, you are already nervous, and that was a good start to the day.
When we got into the Shopping Center, there was signs all over the place, of how much food we were allowed to buy. Went to the Chemist,and saw that they had blue tape all over the floor, big crosses marked as to where we had to stand. I was nervous enough, but I could feel the tension in the air. Then when I was coming out, I had to pass this gentleman to get out, as I walked past him, I told him that I was going to go home and have a smoke and a drink. It was so funny, as he put up his hands, and said to me "Oh,we have to be so far apart'. The look on his face was like as if I was going to kiss him. I thought I am out of here.
When I was sitting out the front of the shop waiting for my Daughter, it gave me time to reflect on what I had seen that morning. To me it was how it was going to be, reality. I didn't like how I felt, so anxious about so many things out of my control. I told myself that that was the last time I was going to do that to myself, I was going to get on top of things and to try to enjoy shopping instead of fearing it. To talk to the people I know in the shop, have a laugh. Turn it all around, from fear to laughter and fun. Also, not to listen to all the information that I am being flooded with. To find things to do that I really like, and be grateful for. To count my Blessings, and enjoy them. I do so not like living in Fear, and I feel that this Virus is like The Disease of Alcoholism, it will control me, if I let it. I do feel, that these times will bring us closer together, as we all need each other.
I will try to go back to bed and see if I can get some more sleep, maybe yes, maybe no. But I will survive.
... hang in there, Wendy... ... ...it is really good to he heard- and to tell stories, about your experience in the Mall... ...I am keen to know how things are going our there- and it is healthy to hear the news, through the eyes of people we know relatively well.
Son-in law dropped by an hour ago. I had a parcel out there on the doorstep- and he didn't come in. I am so grateful that I have a SO who can be a pillar to the family- but a thorn-bush to me. But that thorn-bush had gone- in recent months- and we are actually working together.
Family have lost their job, currently- and will have cash and mortgage worries.
The parcel had a conjuror's set in it. With a 7 year old and a 9 year old at home... very much of a token- but help and hope.
Ma'am... lets close ranks and provide supportive thoughts, have a place to share the reality. I am focussing on the time, going forward- in 4 or 6 weeks- when the worst will be over, most likely....
This morning I bought some sheep nuts to feed my ewes over the depth of winter. Like the conjuror's set- something of a token... but always a sign of hope and a future.
Hi David, was lovely to read your sharing, and for asking about what it is like here. Like I said it is here in our Town, and is starting to bite, hard. I have to be honest, I haven't been travelling too good of late, emotionally. As hearing all the news all the time, all not good, was doing my head in. So decided for me to change the Radio station, that plays the Music that I love. All our Borders are closed, so much is closed, like your Country, and each day brings more things that are going to close. Only the essentials will be opened. I, too are concerned about the effects on my family Members. I just had to do something that was hard for me to do, but had to. To tell my Darling little Great Grand Son, he could no longer come over and Have a Nanie Wendy's Day. I was crying as I told him, the first thing he said to me, was, "Nanie Wendy can I come over to your place".
I know that I am not alone in this area, as there will be many Grand Parents, Great Grand Parents that will have to do what I have just done. But for now, that's what has to be done. This Programme is my life line, I thank God for it each day, it is the Glue that is keeping me together. When I couldn't sleep the other night, I thought about your sheep, and thought that maybe if I borrowed some of yours, and started to count them,maybe I would be able to get back to sleep. With everything that is going on in the world,I keep saying to myself, that God is, in Charge, He had brought me through so much in my life, and isn't going to abandon me,now. There will be good things going to come out of all of this and to remember, "Be Still and Know That I am God"
I feel for the ones who are out there, in the Super Markets, Chemists, Doctors, Nurses, all of them that are in the front line of all of this. So when I have to go shopping again, I am going to say Thank You, for the wonderful job you are doing. Even in My Home Town, I couldn't believe the nastiness and abusive, violence that some of them have had to put up with. It has shocked me, to think that people could behave that way.
So David, the next time I can't sleep, if the next time you count your Sheep, some will be missing, as they will be over here, with me.
Wendy... ...if you are dreaming about sheep... ...I am thinking about cricket... the crack of willow on leather, the call of the players- and the hand signals of the umpires. In recents years we have done a lot of war songs with our choir. Not battle songs at all- but the farewell songs and stuff like that... ...the loss of our Anzac Day was a great blow- and a lot of old time imagery is surfacing- as we all face a common foe...
...I think about the grandkids a lot- and their mums and dads battling out there on the domestic front line.... My SO still works and is working from home. Latterly we have been whizzing around town on our push-pikes. We are still allowed to do this one- given a 2 km radius... ...but the whole town here is like an apocalyptic movie, really...
...Prince Charles has got the virus- and for many it is just another flu.
Your stories and narratives around family- say it all! At the end of all this I doubt few will take out lives for granted again!
Betty passed on some clues and hints- to me. Tweaking. She said: "Mean what you say, and say what you mean, but don't say it mean."
That wasn't conference approved. I was still walking on egg-shells. Scared of putting a foot wrong.
The MIP Alanon group is by far the biggest here. Maybe the presence of Betty was a factor in this. But not on her own entirely. She drew around her a group of loyal members.
Being with her in her F2F group was a real treat. It was not a real large group. But through each individual member I could see clearly the impact of Betty's leadership style.
John F. started six groups here single handedly. He also set up a combined Steps group. John, as I can say it now- was really a CA [cocaine anonymous] and also NA through this. But he, himself set up each group here.
John told me that he had a sponsor who had the skills of a lay therapist. And I could see that John had acquired those skills. Some very basic stance- in dealing with other people.
I have not had much experience with therapists, coming from here in NZ. In some ways John was a bit of a cowboy, and a bit of a lad. I learned that people with therapy skills were also human beings. They were not gods.
This share is much more about MIP than about me! For a year or two I believed that MIP, or Miracles in Progress had something to do with ACIM A Course In Miracles. I had actually studied this movement. But I learned, very slowly that MIP had nothing to do with ACIM. I found this out from John himself. The Miracle in MIP was all about his own personal miracle.
But this personal learning was an essential part of my learning, and recovery. The desire to find things out- to find answers and solutions.
John set up a combined Steps group here. Latterly Betty was the Alanon rep in that group.
I researched around there- to find out what worked. There were three of us there from the ACA group too- at one stage. Out of this we had a resounding victory. I needed to know what worked, and how.
One of the secrets is that it does take time- mostly. This does not exclude and rapid, or sudden turnaround. We must be living one day at a time to see this happen. Thinking on our feet- being in the moment.
If we are not able to see this we may end up re-traumatising ourselves, and other people too. Or, at the very least- delaying some vital change.
This is not a major fault- as I tend to see it all the time. Part of the group process, maybe?
But I am trying to distill Betty's legacy, and John's too. ...
For me- in Step 10 it is all about "let it begin with me". Me being in a good state of mind. Expertise and experience- yes... but wise and alert to the prompting from a higher power.
For me, right now a higher power can be unconditional love. Applied to ourselves first, really- but easily recognisable in other people. Interpretation of higher power can be really individual. But i have chosen a higher power, currently, that unites, rather than divides us.
As a write this other issues swirl around me. Issue of Covid 19 that affects all of us. And in many ways all of us equally.
I am not bracing myself for the coming day- far from it! More the opposite really. Hey! We have the serenity prayer and petition. We have learned to apply this to any situation. We have been taught to practise detachment from the problem or issue. To be able to carry on regardless. With hope.
Thanks y'all... for your good company, and companionship. For honesty and truth- and allowing all of us to own our own truth- both newcomers, and old-timers. ...
Ah still feel the need to claim space for myself. Not group space- with a new thread...but adding to my old thread...
I think of a spider who spins a long thread= and then swings, like a trapeze to make a new connection. And this works for me.
Because, you, Wendy, joined my on this thread- i reflect on people like Blinky Bill, a story about how the koala lost its voice, Dad and Dave... as memories and emotions well up inside of me. And also sit-in under a group of gum trees. sipping lemonade [!!! ??? !] and watching an outback cricket match on a Saturday afternoon. ...
My SO is working from home- so i keep the kitchen bench clear. Last night I began to get sick of myself- putting things off- and not getting things done.
I have a golden opportunity, this coming month, to clean up our garage and back yard. Beside that I may be out picking grapes next week- to help bring in the crop under lock down. But there is a choice here.
After the dishes i picked up my guitar. I only know three or four chords. But there is one song i can play okay- Daisies White, from Appalachia... a child's lullaby- which i found soothing and amenable to my much improved sleep patterns.
One of the dangers- is to feel uneasy in a time of peace and tranquility. And to self-sabotage. Most of us are aware of the A.'s capacity for self sabotage. Our own attempts may take diverse forms. And the motivations, are almost always hidden from us- until afterwards.
Outing this thing- can be helpful in my view... and a kind of brake, maybe- or even a point of healing ???
I find spell-check to be really vexatious. Mainly because I coin words a fair bit- and often wrote in a kind of vernacular- which spellcheck is always trying to correct.
But i can look over a written share- and look at all the blotches and incorrections. Compared to six or eight years ago- there are few remaining. I can see progress and healing.
My closest f2f group had a zoom meting on Monday. Since I don't have zoom yet it was a non-starter for me. I thought my SO was trying to stop me from having zoom. She was not helpful in helping me set it up. But not so. I could could apply myself a lot better, be patient with myself and work out how it works!
I have been sleeping and dreaming well. As I do my step 11 twice a day sometimes a memory of a dream surfaces. it just did over the last few lines. There is no rational reason for this. It is far beyond my ken.
But then this does happen i feel a sense of healing and connection- between my inner and outer self. ...
I have known other members who, when they start learning to share, having trouble knowing when to stop, or to halt and rest. I really think that this is a good sign-like water in a stream, flowing. The natural limits, and pauses will emerge.
Finding emotional sobriety, or emotional intimacy [the same thing!] I think it just creeps up on us. Not like the awful stuff- which is actually trying to find a way out!
It is morning here, in NZ. I can stop and look around and look outside. I see a breeze in the trees. This is a meditation, in itself.
I have things I can do. This is a discipline in itself. I can let my hens out to have a bit of a scratch around under the trees. I am aware of the pain I still have. I know, now, that over time this pain- or most of it- will dissolve away- if I let it.
Thanks for this opportunity to share... and for the opportunity to be here... ...
Hi David, I have just finished reading your sharings, and I feel priviliged to be apart of your Spider's Web. I am just getting the hang of this programme, I relate to your spell check, I am a recovering Perfectionist, I get cranky when I spell a Word, and it is wrong by the standards of the computer, and I can't find the Spell check Icon on this Programme. So I just leave it the way I spell, it and too bad if it isn't right. I am not going to get up and get the Dictionary, as that would do my Head In.
There is no sport in our Country, we did have a couple of games of Footie, but that got scrapped. so I have to keep myself entertained. Which being a loner, isn't difficult. I like my own company.
To finish, I want to say, Thank You for your wonderful Sharings, for me, there was so much in there, that was just wonderful, there are no words that I can add to that.
Wendy... I wrote an Aussie based poem for Anzac Day a while back- and I hope to quote it here, on the day- since we can't celebrate and remember in person. [At least- as things look right now.]
Having been right inside of the poem it is about something I humbly believe in. It is more a bloke/mate piece- while in Alanon- things are much more balanced... the world I dreamt of when I was a kid!
More often than not I have to edit a posting- not to be too pedantic; but to make my meaning clear. Can make some real bloopers, sometime. But after your last post I have become to so aware of my editing.
Not absurdly so, but I reckon, with that extra oversight, that ah kin get this reasonably word perfect.
I don't need to warble on here, because there is heaps of time- to keep in touch. My neediness used to send me into loads of waffle, etc., when I thought someone might be listening.
I am just so humbled by the sharing here. The time we have all spent here, together is paying off. A place where we can just be, when we need to.
...
... hang in there, Wendy...