The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning MIP. Sorry for the later than usual post - I slept in and am so grateful for the extra rest. Today's reading is all about staying on our side of the street and minding our own business. The writer shares how the compulsion to focus on others was 'strong' upon arrival to Al-Anon.
The same writer felt they had a clear idea of how everyone should behave in every situation and felt very self-righteous when the didn't. The realization or awareness that attention focused elsewhere causes us to neglect self drove her/him to make changes!
When we are caught up in what others should or should not be doing, we have lost our humility, and ceased focusing on self. Recovery and change comes when we stay focused on self vs. others and nine out of ten times, when we are focused on others, it's to avoid looking at our own lives.
Reminder: I grow in my ability to relate to others when I allow them to be exactly as they are. The greatest gift I can give to myself is my own attention.
Quote from Benjamin Franklin: "Clean your finger before you point at my spots."
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I too arrived at recovery obsessed outside of me. My obsessions weren't just limited to the A(s) in my family but most other people, places and things too. I could even rage at traffic, grocery store lines, etc. I suspect the phrases, "They should....", "If only he would....", "They ought to...." and the like dominated my mind, thoughts and mouth. I am grateful for a sponsor who caught me every time I started a conversation or rant with He, She, They.....to pause and reconsider it with an I statement.
I also really, really, really 'liked' trying to control everything and everyone around me - I prefer rules, order and structure. For me to stay on my side of the street and allow others to be who they needed to be was a cosmic shift in thinking and accepting. When I also learned to unconditionally love them in spite of what they were/were not doing and also to unconditionally accept them, there were moments it felt very, very foreign. Until it didn't.
What I love about growth, change and evolution is how many things work, until they don't anymore. Before recovery, I could silence a room with my 'thoughts', 'knowledge', 'experience', monologues, rants, tears, rage, etc. That worked until it didn't. Then in recovery, I learned to listen more, pray more, keep my lips closed, and vent/share with others in recovery. That too worked until it didn't. Today, I practice being authentic, saying what I mean, meaning what I say without being mean and speaking my truth in a loving, compassionate way. It works most of the time, especially when I am able to detach from how others act/react/respond.
And yes, at the end of the day, for me and my recovery, the gift of humility is necessary. I define it simply as being open and teachable and the opposite of EGO. It's so much easier to stay in my own lane when I consider every encounter as an opportunity to learn (instead of control, teach, coach) and grow. I can freely admit that many of my lessons and tools come from learning what I don't want to be/do/sound like - all of which would not be part of my tool set without humility.
Social isolation continues here. It's been a great time for me to reach out to family and friends and just check in. I have had more contact with many in the last 10+ days than before. I am grateful that recovery has allowed me to be less rigid and more 'go with the flow'...I truly have all that I need, just for today.
Love and light MIP family - find and keep your joy, just for today! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Iamhere for your service and the daily! I always love the daily, but today I got more out of reading your share! Thank you for the honest words.
I particularly loved this: "It's so much easier to stay in my own lane when I consider every encounter as an opportunity to learn (instead of control, teach, coach) and grow." Emphasis added by me.
I am trying to live each day like the above quote. Thank you for the reminder!
Love to all MIP peeps! Stay safe.
&
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you IAH and for both above shares. Of course I totally relate. I too, was obsessed with changing my A and the resulting pain of it all. I continue to change for the better by focusing on myself, and I've come a long way. A work in progress....
Lately my grown son, is minding my business, and as he has no program, it's going to be a touchy conversation. But I'm going to tell him that alanon teaches us to focus on ourselves, and I would like him to try that! He acknowledges many positive changes he sees in me, but no one is perfect, not me and not him. Lyne
Thank you IAH and all who shared. Relating to others, vs. relating to myself -- such an interesting concept in this time of social distancing. In the quiet , I find myself thinking of ways to reach out, just for some contact. Not to "help" or control anyone, but just to feel good.
I am spending more time with myself, and I am grateful to the 12 Steps, as that is where I learned to like and respect myself. So now I am spending a lot of time with someone I actually like
thank you Iamhere for your service and BOY did I need to read your share
I , too, was an "outside of me" person...THEY should or should not do this or that......I got hit up with that today when I visited my little old lady friend to help her out, do little things to help her as I've known her forever and she gets "wound up" sometimes about the lady next door....and I remember in the past, I would chime in and work the hell out of this woman's inventory.....well, today, I guess "L" offended my friend again and shes venting to me and I told her about what i've learned in recovery.....I cannot change another person, or place or thing, but I CAN change me, so I asked my spunky little 80 year old friend..."ok, what can YOU do to take care of YOU????" and she thought about it for a moment after I told her about MY powerlessness over OTHER people and places and things, and she looked at me and said "well I guess I just need to distance myself and detach...let her be her and when I'm done with her BS, just say I gotta go inside, see ya later" and I gave her a hug.....
Like PnP said, I got more out of reading your share on this then the daily, ..thanking my HP for this program...
it is so much easier to accept that I can only take care of /change ME...toss the ego and be open, willing and honest and do it with kindness....Your take on the daily was great!! ..Thanking HP because keeping ME in line is a full time job....
I am making this social distancing thing a positive by chatting more on the phone with long distance loved ones...working my spiritual end of program, talking with my HP, resting more, I am more of an introvert, anyway, so the gym closings, I have my own gym equip. at home..been doing some great workouts to music and /or a good documentary...praying more...visiting my little elderly friend up the street more...Just being grateful that I have my program , my dogs , birds, my needs are met....and its nice just being in the quiet...
My first meeting one member stood up and poked her forefinger in the air, and said- "where there is one finger pointing, there are three posting back at me!"
Never forgot that- and along the way learned more and more subtle ways of :live and let live:. Minding my own business. In the beginning boundaries weren't mentioned- only because the word hadn't yet joined the lexicon of recovery words.
So learning has been continuous...
Went to a funeral, this afternoon. Of a 96 year old. Possibly the least assembly I will be in for three or four months. I recall this man, and his late wife preparing for bed. Me, and their son slept on the other side of the wall. I recall the murmur of voices as they chatted over there day before getting getting off to sleep.
I always wanted a mum and dad like that!
One time i always felt alone in a crowd. Isolated, even desperate. Not so much now. At the luncheon after the burial I was able to say to the son- "not the first time I have shared at your table".
People of few words, sometimes, these country people. But really nice to show my gratitude.
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Thanks y'all for being here...