Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Courage to Change 3/12


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 10426
Date:
Courage to Change 3/12


Good morning MIP.  Happy Thursday to one and all (or happy day if you're beyond US)...Today's reading talks about detachment with love.  I love the opening line - "What does another person's mood, tone of voice, or state of inebriation have to do with my course of action?  Nothing, unless I decide otherwise.  

The reading discusses how arguing with another who is intoxicated is like beating our head against a brick wall.  We learn in Al-Anon that we don't have to react just because of provocation and we don't have to take harsh words personally.  We can recall instead that they are coming from another who is in pain or sick and try to show compassion instead.

Reminder:  Detachment with love means that I stop depending upon what others do, say, or feel to determine my own well-being or to make my decisions.  When faced with other people's destructive attitudes and behavior, I can love their best, and never fear their worst.

Quote from In All Our Affairs:  "Detachment is not caring less, it's caring more for my own serenity."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If I had my way (will/ego), this tool would be one I would perfect.....Unfortunately, I'm design to be perfectly imperfect so I can just practice, practice, and practice more - accepting I will fall down, make mistakes and continue to learn/grow.  Detaching from the insanity of another, any other, is easier for me when I pause and pray before I proceed.

For me, there is no greater tool than just pausing for a reset.  I was a fast/aggressive reactor prior to recovery, part ego driven and part fear driven.  I try today to just breathe and pause long enough to reset and remember that I have a HP who truly wants me to choose serenity over chaos, choose compassion over anger/blame/shame and to trust in the process and my program.

BR (Before Recovery), my moods, attitudes, actions and days were truly not my own; each/all were reactions based on others around me and their expectations as well as my own.  I had a faulty way of defining love, relationships, spouse, etc. and made many assumptions that were inaccurate or unhealthy.

Detaching with love has allowed me to let others be who they are and do what they're doing, unconditionally.  I can be compassionate even when angry/hurt and I can always, always pray for those I love and their journey.  My sponsor suggested I carry a Q-TIP in my pocket for a long, long while to remind myself to Quit Taking It Personally!  Putting me and my recovery first, and practicing unconditional love and acceptance has been difficult yet rewarding.  

Make it a lovely day MIP family!  Be free to be who you are - practice authenticity, just for today!

 



__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2006
Date:

Thank you Iamhere for your service, and especially for this Daily! It is a touchstone that I needed today.

I am a very emotional, sensitive person who has grown a hard shell. I cried a lot as a child/teen. I always took things personally, so QTIP was a very good slogan for me to follow! I also (IMHO due to prevailing societal ideas of partnership/marriage) tried very hard to be the "perfect" wife. My feelings were all tangled up with my spouse's and then my child and my spouse! As time went on, I forgot I had any real feelings of my own! As a result, I became very, very good at anticipating the needs of others. Sounds great on the surface. But actually, that slowed down the personal growth of my child, and enabled my spouse in his addiction. To my credit, as soon as I was awakened to how this was affecting my kid, I began to pull back in appropriate ways... allowing natural consequences etc. Pulling back from the madness of an addicted spouse was much, much harder. In part, b/c of financial reasons, b/c of having a child... someone had to be the responsible one!

Al-Anon has helped me tremendously. It continues to guide me to this day, even though I am no longer married to my Qualifier.

I am grateful for this program. I am grateful for the people of MIP that make it the great place it is!

&



__________________

 

PnP - music & nature lover

"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"I don't ask for much, I only want Trust... and you know it don't come easy." - Ringo Starr

~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ anonymous



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1530
Date:

Thank you IAH for your service and for both above shares. I think I was emotionally crippled by what others actually did think of me, and/or I imagined what they thought of me. My behavior was hopelessly dependent upon how people treated me and what they said to me. It was such a painful existence....

Over time I did improve, but not like the growth spurt I've had with program. Detaching with love, and my QTIP, have truly changed me for the better. Most of the time (progress not perfection) I am able to determine my feelings and my behavior regardless of what others are doing. What a huge relief! Grateful member, Lyne

__________________

Lyne

El


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 614
Date:

Thank you IAH, Lyne, PnP!

I have found that learning to detach with love has been more difficult with my mother, than my AH.  Without going into all the back story....it took me until my late 50s till now to not engage, worry, wonder and react to her comments and behavior.  She is not an alcoholic, but I wonder about her FOO because her behavior is certainly similar.  PnP, I also cried  A LOT as a child and early teen.  I had so much anxiety (didn't know what that meant then) about being perfect and self image.  Through counseling and then more importantly and alanon, I have been able to live my life more authentically than I ever was able to.  Maybe it is an age thing as well, but I had to detach....even if in anger at first from others' expectations.

Although I have been reading the posts, it has been too difficult for me to respond, as I had total knee replacement 4 weeks ago.  I can now sit comfortably at my computer for a length of time.  Hubby has also been undergoing radiation treatments, so it has been a stressful "different" time for us.  We are seeing light at the end of our tunnels though.....so it's all good.

Missing Betty.....her wisdom was like a shot in the arm.  It might not be lengthy, but she put her message out there in a comforting way.

Happy Thursday and hope your local area has enough toilet paper!  Craziness out there.

Ellen



__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 269
Date:

Quit taking it personally has been a hard one for ne. I have taken the rennovation of the apartments really personally. I had to.move out. Then I had to stay moved out for another month. The month will start tomorrow Meantime I.am.staying with an alcoholic friend. His house is in a shambles. Today he forgot to feed his dog. His neglect of his pets is quite subtle The reason I.am staying there is that it is better for ny dog than staying in.a.motel. Certainly I.would be more comfortable in a motel. But my dog comes first. So someone who forgets to feed their dog is incomprehensible to me Tomorrow it is 4 weeks exactly till I move back. I.will be counting the days. Meantime I have to detach seriously Detachment is even more necessary at this time My roommate is there eating all the wrong food (he eats exclusively high salt guzzling down the vodka (he also has diabetes). Then he states #I hope you are washing your hands enough# Only 4 more weeks of this. Tomorrow it is 3 weeks and so many days Talk about an exercise in detachment Back to planning to have a better life My life is exponentially better than it once was. I have had my ups and downs since I left the now ex A. Nevertheless coming to al.anon had been one of the wisest choices in my life. Up there with doing therapy Maresie

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2085
Date:

 

  smile Thanks IAm, and y'all...aww

                                                 At the moment I am reviewing years and years of programme- and trying to decide what worked best. I heard about detachment at my very first meeting- and I enjoyed 'swapping notes' with your topic, and share, IAm... ...there are subtleties there in your share, and responses, that i plan to take with me for a while- and dwell on.

aww Thanks... aww...



__________________

Participation is the key to harmony.

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.