Codependent? - Al-Anon Family Group

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

Codependent?

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

rxtex,

I had counselors of my A tell me I was codependent and controlling.

My reaction was, Me? Problem? Nope.

It wasn't until Alanon and really looking at myself that it allowed me to find my codependency.

I was seeing a therapist who specializes in addictions to assit me in dealing w/ the situation at home. He told me that I spoiled his fun. Usually he hands them a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, has them turn to the section that had codependent characteristics and behaviors and watches them just nod for the next 20 minutes. He said, the program had already brought me to this realization. LOL

That being said, I highly recommend the book. It's not conference approved literature but for me it dove tails very well w/ program. It is written from an author w/ at least two program fellowships (I can't remember if she has a 3rd) and is VERY pro 12 steps. She quotes CAL often in her books as well.

Bob

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

rtexas,

Thanks for the insight about the differences in why people come to Alanon and where they are when the arrive and where they are after they've been around a while. I feel for the people that first come into a meeting, they have so much pain and misery and all they want to do is share every bit of it to get the help and answers they seek. I remember being one of them not too long ago.

On Codependency. I remember the day I realized I was a codependent. I cried to my therapist because being codependent was the last thing I wanted labeled on me. Working in the mental health feild I heard that word thrown around and worked with clients who were severely codependent to the point where they couldn't make a good decision to save their lives or their kids lives. I was so judgemental back then too. I didn't have kids yet either. Funny, but I knew I was codependent and still made the decision to keep seeing my "a". I was on the road to recovery having a great time in life, and boom I meet this guy with smoldering good looks, charming, and we have so much in commen. Its like all my red flags and checkers were probably going off inside me, but I didn't care. I took my chance. Well, if I wouldn't have taken that chance I wouldn't have my two beautiful boys now who will be 3 this Friday I might add!

My Codependent behavior spun out of control for 3 years. I rescued, took care of, yelled, screamed, manipulated, controlled, all kinds of wicked behaviors just to get my "a" to stop drinking, go to work, not go out, pay the bills, pick up the clothes, wash the dishes. I made myself and him so miserable. After he left recently, I picked up my Codependent No More book by Melodie Beattie. I had read her chapters before but the concepts were not sinking in. The lightbulb didn't go off, until I read that it was not my responsibility to make the other person "see the light", it was my responsibility to make myself see my own light. I felt a sense of freedom and a huge burden lifted. I think I finally got the three C's. I knew Alanon would help me because I'm not just trying to recover from Codependency but recover from the affects of living with an alcoholic. They seem to go hand in hand for me. There are CODA meetings for Codependency, but the twelve steps are the same. So, I guess we're in the right place.

If knowledge is power than I guess you just got a whole lot of power coming your way. I humbly ask my HP to remove my Codependent traits everyday, I'm getting better at recognizing codependent behavior in myself, and in others. Its everywhere, music, movies, books, even commercials!! Maybe that's why I don't get into sappy love stories, and romance novels it just seems twisted to me now. Keep up the good work

Twinmom~

drucilla06 · Senior Member

(((rtexas)))

I have read Melody Beattie's books,still have one,and even attended codependency seminars years ago.I used to have "The Codependent 's Guide to the Twelve Steps" but I recognized the 'codependent crazies' in my sister and gave it to her.I used to pick up that book and read it whenever I felt myself getting crazy.It always helped me put the responsibility for my own happiness back on me where it belongs, which of course helped me get along better with my alcoholic husband.

It was explained to me once that the addict is addicted to the substance and co-dependents are addicted to the addict.Guess that's where the term CO-dependent came from??

Good topic.I doubt I have given you any answers.I am not sure myself what the difference is between codies and Alanons.Are all Alanons codependent? If codies are 'addicted' to the addict then they are also affected by the disease,right?

Agh!! I'm afraid I may have muddied the waters even more.Sorry.

d

Jeannie · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

When I was in counseling, my counselor recomended Melody Beattie's "Co Dependant No More."

I found it very helpful and have gone back to it often. She is very pro 12 steps adn I found her writings not only helpful with my A, but in all aspects of my life.

I don't really know the diference, about if every Alanoner is a codependant, but Alanon can help codependants. Alanon is for anyone who is affected by the drinking of a loved one. Maybe codependance has to do with the degree of involvement with the A.

I know I was a complete codependant and if I don't stop and step back, still can be. I covered his tracks for so many years and always had the idea that things could only get done right if I did them myself. I would have made a lousy manager. I had no idea how to delegate. By recognizing what I was and by coming to Alanon, I have it somewhat under control. I still have a long way to go.

Love Jeannie

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello rT well to me the answer is simple , If the only way i can be happy is "he's sober"- he's happy" makes me co dependent or should I say did. I am responsible for my own happiness today anyone in my life is a bonus and they no doubt contribute to my happiness but they are a bonus not what makes me happy. Louise

QOD · ~*Service Worker*~

Hmmmm - I am very confused. This whole Co-dependent thing is confusing. I hear what everyone is saying and I am thinking "I guess I am supposed to be co-dependent too if I am in this situation but I don't see how I am!" I reckon I am going to have to get a book & check it out.

I have never tried to control my A. Never told him he couldn't or shouldn't drink. Never! I never harp on him for anything, doing chores, going to work, nothing. We got married when we were 18 & I was pregnant. In the beginning I was scared that if I harped on him & tried to control him that he would walk away, leaving me to take care of the baby by myself. And I figured he would grow up eventually - that his behavior was just a way of him acting out for being tied down so young.

Now that I am older (31) making my own money & a good head on my shoulders, I know I can support myself & 2 children w/out him. It will be tight but I can do it. So finances are no longer the problem and I am ready to move on w/my life w/or w/out him. Something I am working on. Granted something is holding me back though I don't think it is co-dependency. I think it is reluctance to let go of the last 13 years of marriage. I have spent that 13 years living life almost as someone single w/kids. Devoting all of my time to my kids and not really expecting much from my A. So am I co-dependent? Hmmm. confusing.

QOD

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

(((QOD)))

I guess as I am doing more reading, and I talked to a family counselor today the question is:

- since you gave your AH all this lee-way, and devote your life to your kids... what have you done for you? Anything really?

That was the kicker for me. When I look at how I conduct my life, I cater to the squeaky wheel, and that is NEVER me.

If anyone does anything for me, I feel guilt not happiness and it is rubbing off on my kiddo.

I have been looking at it for exactly 27 hours... so I don't know much more than I am really trying to take a honest look at me... and this list of behaviors and outcomes and see what lines up...

We will see where it goes?

Take care of you, and thanks for the replies ((((((everyone))))))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.