The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Have you ever know what the problem is within yourself and just can't let it go? I've been in al-alnon long enough to know that the feelings I'm having right now (that are making me physically sick) are coming from me and I'm not going to have any serenity until I can get thru them, past them or just let them go. Crap. It is like I know what I need to do but just don't know how to do it. It is preventing me from living this day, just these 24 hrs and it's driving me nuts.
This is exactly the time that I'll stir the pot, do something that will not benefit me or anything going on. It is like I'm so uncomfortable that possibly if I "do" something it will change how I feel, but the things I want to "do" will be my will, controling and defeating in my program. The other thing is that I know because of how I feel, I want to punish -- isn't that healthy ugh!
See all the wonderful things I know, lol. So I'm here trying to stop myself but don't know if I'll be able to -- and I know that there is a solution, but I don't know how to work it. Cuz I just can't find it in me to let it go. Crap.
This won't last forever, but while I'm in it I'd like not to make it worse, and REALLY don't want to have to make amends for it later..talk about projecting -- I'm already thinking about the amends I'm going to have to make if I don't let this go!!!
I have gone through this very same thing. I throw myself into the literature or I wallow in my mood for days until I make my way through it. I think it is human nature to be triggered back into old habits. I know it happens to all of us at one time or another.
I can not tell you how many times I try to talk myself out of doing something that I will regret later!!! I know that what I want to do at the time is not going to be helpful or beneficial to anyone and yet I am drawn to do it. (I suppose much like the addict/alcoholic is drawn to use or drink.) Why do we have such a hard time letting it go?
I am so sorry you are having a hard time letting go of whatever needs to be gotten rid of!!!! Is there anyone you can call, just to talk to to keep yourself from acting on what you want to act on? Maybe the dishes need to be washed, or the clothes need to be folded, or maybe you need to break some dishes? I don't know just something to keep you busy.
I wish I had some better insight, but I too often fall into this trap myself. I wish you peace and serenity and the ablility to let go! I will say a prayer!
:Hi Luna , well step 4 is a great but don't forget the first 3 , with out them I cannot get the courage to do the 4th and 5th needed to get me past my "past". Step 3 for me was the hardest step of all but once I accepted a HP into my life all fear was removed . For me the best way to Let Go is to continue on to stp 5 . tell someone a trusted sponsor or someone in program.I don't know the nature of the problem uspeak of but there is no way u have to rush off and admit all to all . step 5 clearly states ADMITED TO GOD TO MYSELF AND ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.
There are a few more steps before u get to making amends. As u begin to take responsibility for your part in the problem things become much clearer.
As I read your post I remember reading somewhere that alady finally said How long are u going to let your past run your future. ?? good question
I've been in this exact same situation, doing something I knew I'd regret later but I did it anyway. I look back on this now and tell myself you wanted to do this in every possible way, I couldn't honor my feelings on the subject. I heaped guilt and criticism on myself to try and talk myself out of it. I think the "a" is in the same situation when they have to make the decision to take that drink or not. I'm sure the desire is there for them in every way, but something with in keeps them from taking that drink. We think that's an easy one, but we're not addicts like this. Your doing great Luna, you know yourself better than anyone, honor what you feel right now. Take it easy on you and give yourself whatever it is you need to get through this moment. Tomorrow or even this evening may look different for you. Stay strong.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
well,you put into words where i am today! i don't know why i shoot myself in the foot but i do. lately i've been so sick of my life that i just want to stir it up with someone else. as if that's a healthy way to deal. just the way i've been able to escape. i haven't done it though. everytime i start to think those thoughts and get that "feeling" i talk to myself - out loud most of the time neighbors must think i'm nuts - i reason with myself and then turn my mind to what needs to be done right now. something i can control like laundry. when it gets really bad i call someone. sometimes i just remember to take a deep breath or have a laugh. this is just my life and i don't need the weight of the world. how important is it seems to work. good luck and good for you seeing the issue and not doing anything about it!
omg Luna - are you in my head LOL I have been battling this same stuff off and on for the past few weeks. Coming here and posting and replying to posts and going to the chat room and talking things out as well as talking with other Alanuts is helping. All I can say is honey we were such low maintenance people for so long it is gonna take some time to balance shit out again. Don't be afraid to lean sometimes Luna. Thank you so much for reaching out. I am so proud of you for not burrying your head in the sand. Love ya girl!
Hi again - one of my fav speakers is Whinnie Eddie (now deceased) but she had the perfect solution to your dilema and mine in the past. She said if your carrying a secret your afraid someone in program will find out. go to every meeting in town and tell em !!! No more secrets
(((((Luna))))) Hi. For me, it depends on the nature of the problem as to the action I take but the process for regaining my serenity is pretty much the same thing. You already seem to have an awareness of the issue and are taking responsibility for your behaviour. IMHO that's half the battle won. Praise yourself for getting that far. We're only human after all
You said you know what you need to do but don't know how to do it. In that instance, I personally pray/meditate on it... a lot! I ask for wisdom (to know what to do), courage (to do it) and compassion (to do it kindly). I also find I need to work the first three steps around it; summed up as acceptance, belief and faith. I have to accept the issue, believe my HP is the voice of sanity and has the answers then I have to actively work on handing it over to HP and trust that 'he' knows what's best. Sometimes I visualise giving it to 'him' bit by bit and when I recognise any 'bits' I'm not willing to let go of I go back and work on them some more. It's a process and if I'm struggling to let it go it usually means i haven't processed it fully and need more time, to feel my feelings etc. I'm still quite impatient and don't like sitting with my uncomfortable or painful emotions but for me it's actually important that I don't distract myself from them. What I do (as I don't want to be walking around raw and vulnerable 24/7) is allocate a certain period of time each day to work it through. This time needs to include a recovery/healing period as I never know what I'm going to stir up. I call it 'searching then soothing'. Then I leave it there and get on with my day, I've done what I can.
When I'm unsure, I work the 3A's. Once I've identified the problem I sometimes need to talk it through (in full or maybe just certain aspects) with someone I trust to get more acceptance/understanding. I'm not necessarily looking for advice or suggestions but in saying it out loud things become clearer in my own mind and heart. I see any flaws in my thinking and can then make adjustments. It sometimes helps my 'inner voice' become stronger and I feel 'right' about it. If I'm still uncomfortable, I try to remember that maybe it's the right thing to do but not the easy thing to do; it's taking me out of my comfort zone. As I said, I try to pray before taking action as then if something should go wrong, I know in my heart I did the very best I could with what I had at the time. This is a comfort to me. Above all, whenever I venture into my own head I have to remember to 'Keep It Simple'. I still have a tendency to complicate things lol!
This too shall pass but while you're in it stay aware and try to set some healthy alternatives in place beforehand so when you're upset and feel like you may self-sabotage or act out they'll come to mind more quickly. You may want to read some literature, get to a meeting, walk the dog, beat a rug in the backyard or possibly just detach/remove yourself from the situation. I don't know I'm just trying to help.
I don't know if this is relevant in your case as I don't know you personally or the details of your situation/past history but once (I can't remember how long I'd been in Al-Anon) I hit a plateau, I felt 'flat' and 'not right' yet things were ticking along nicely and I couldn't quite 'put my finger on it'. I felt like I needed to 'do something'. My sponsor said what I was feeling was the 'normality' of getting off the rollercoaster. I had lived in the craziness of alcoholism so long and was in some ways trying to 'stir it up' as a means of a) getting back to what had been my comfort zone and b) experiencing some intensity/drama.
I will pray for you and your serenity. I hope that in sharing my experience and processes with you I may have been of some help.
I understand about wanting to punish or do something that you feel so strongly to do but know it will hold no benefit for you. I am there now.
I just got my A's cell bill. There are all these calls to & from numbers I don't recognize. And during times he has disappeared and I know by putting 2 & 2 together that these are his contacts. But for some reason I feel compelled to put names to these numbers. I want to call them & find out who they are. I have been fighting it for a week. Telling myself, What will be the benefit of this??? It won't stop him from calling them or vice versa. It won't stop him from using. It really won't put me at ease knowing their names b/c I don't know them anyway. Why do it? This little inner battle I am struggling with. So far I am holding my own. I only actually called one of the numbers & it turned out to be someone I DO know & that I DO know is work related. But the others - hmmm....who are these people?
So I know what you are going through....and for me, I am trying to keep busy. I tell myself it doesn't really matter b/c it isn't going to change the situation one way or the other. I am working on letting it go. I hope you can find something that will help you let go too. :)
