The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Something has changed within me and I am enjoying (but slightly frightened of losing) this current sense of peace/ acceptance.
My AH had been living in rented accommodation, but due to alcohol and it's effects on his behaviour was evicted. Due to our weird money set-up as a family, we had no money to hand (for long term hotels etc.) and no one would give him anywhere else to rent due to what had happened. The choice boiled down to being homeless or returning for a short period to our family house, which he asked me to do.
I spent a long time thinking about agreeing to offer him a temporary room - flipping between questioning how much this was enabling him, potentially preventing a rock bottom and also wanting to show compassion and examine my own motives behind it all. 'Signs' from the HP / Universe (or whatever) indicated offering temporary accommodation, which I did and also felt it was the right decision for me and my values about who I am.
Anyway the upshot as many can guess is he was 'sober' for awhile but has started drinking again. But the real difference is in me. I can truly say I had no expectations for him drinking or not drinking and it hardly entered my head. There has been no shouting, no arguments, no anger or resentment on my part at all. Maybe for the fist time I have truly and fully accepted it as the disease it is and that I have absolutely no control over it or him and just have my own boundaries in place about what I will and won't accept for me and the children and consequences for when they are broken.
What is also different is that I allowed myself to feel trapped before. I own the house and it always felt difficult to leave myself (with children in tow) especially with the lack of readily available money. But I have now taken control and started moving a pension so that it can be more accessible and so have options.
Maybe what has also changed is that I have also fully accepted this is not the life I want to live and also giving up any vestige of what I thought was 'maybe he will change' - and fully understanding that has absolutely nothing to do with me. It will take a bit of time to sort out finances etc. but I can truly say that while we are in this transition phase of being in the same house, I am serene and found an inner peace that had alluded me for a long time. I thank the programme for this and the support I have received from many of you over the last three years on this board.
Better tomorrow is now Better Today! Love and hugs to you all.
Great share BT and love your growth, action and awareness! I can remember too that moment I realized I was changing...It was not a 'sudden' awareness, but rather an observation of me by me that I had stopped fighting everything and everyone. How great it feels to literally be free of trying to control, change, cure or fix another!
I have a similar spirit in that I will never close the door permanently to those I love. It just feels so wrong in my heart and is part of my BR (Before Recovery) patterns - where I would literally dismiss or disown others for selfish and self-centered reasons. Today, I can be different and do different because I have so many tools, such as you found and used!
Life, love, relationships and more is 'messy'. Letting go of expectations in others and looking within me for my motives usually presents outcomes that I can embrace, accept and understand. Keep doing what you are doing - recovery looks awesome on you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am so impressed by your share Bettertommorrow! Perhaps "impressed" is the wrong adjective, but I hope you know what I am trying to convey here.
I understand your heart when you talk about "...my values about who I am." I find this post so very uplifting! Thank you for sharing your growth!
(((((((Better Today))))))
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I remember when I was dealing with a spouse who was actively drinking, denying it, allegedly stopping, etc. -- and we were in the same home -- life was miserable. LOL.
Sure, we can say all we want about detachment, being powerless, and so on and so on...but we are still living with an alcoholic. Fluff it up anyway you like...it's never going to be fun, joyous, and wonderful. LOL.
We are always at risk to lose our sense of peace, serenity, acceptance, and whatever else we've been able to obtain. However, remember, we obtained what we obtained as a result of...WORK...DOING THINGS...MAKING CHANGE...TAKING ACTION...and working our program. That is us doing the work, that is our recovery.
You cannot control the cards you are dealt...but you do control how you play them. OK, so you have "weird money set-up as a family" and perhaps that is something you need to address. Talk to your sponsor, look at options, whatever the case might be. Just for today, the only two options are homeless or your home? OK. But is it healthy for you to simply let him move in, unconditionally, and everyone gets on with their life and how they live it?
Is it enabling? Perhaps. That's up to you to decide. Talk to your sponsor. Is it potentially preventing him from hitting rock bottom? Perhaps. You are preventing him from realizing and recognizing and feeling the consequences of HIS OWN ACTIONS. All of this is on him. None of it is on YOU. Period. You have compassion and if you OBJECTIVELY checked your motives, then you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, for you! You are doing the next right thing in front of you.
Once he started drinking again, while living in your house...now what? While you had no expectations about him drinking or not drinking, is his drinking impacting you? Is it affecting you? If the answer is absolutely not...great for you!!! If the answer is yes, then you have some work to do! LOL.
I often thought about when someone arrives at the point of "this is not the life I want to live" and what that means.
Does it mean we just accept what is? Is that accepting the unacceptable? Does that mean we simply apply "how important is it" and convince ourselves that it really isn't that important? Do we slowly and gradually slip into this massive world of denial?
BT, I really enjoyed your post. It is very insightful and thought provoking. I admire and respect the work you've done, the changes you've made, and the actions you've taken! It is very inspiring. Great for you!!! Thank you very much.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thankyou Iamhere, PnP and Bo - I really appreciate all of your replies and support.
My health, my recovery and that of my wonderful children are what is most important now. This short transition we are going through with AH is simply the time we need to release funds so that we can each go our separate ways. Maybe it's because I have finally got off the merry go round and know that this phase is ending that I have found the peace I was seeking.
I feel that I have reached a good compromise between 'me' (my values and what I stand for) and the actions I have taken. There is still alot of work to do on me, but I can finally 'feel' the progress I am making - especially with the loss of all of my anger and resentment and instead really being able to view my AH with compassion for someone who I love, who has an awful disease which only he can decide to face or not.
As Iamhere you have also said - I will never close the door permanently, because that is not who I am, but I no longer wish to have a life where I live with an active alcoholic so separation gives us both the space and autonomy to live the lives we each want to live.
My early sponsor told me I was to find and use everything I could to separate me from the disease and I took that almost literally. I separated from both sides of my families and also from my alcoholic/addict. Those I knew drank and used were quietly walked away from and while some had questions nothing became more important to me than my peace of mind, serenity and sobriety. Over time including today there were no issues claimed against me. Drinking and using relationships were replaced with program walkers.
This is the most inspiring post I have read in a long time and I am deeply grateful thanks for bringing it home Bettertomorrow. Now I have a better today. ((((hugs))))
This is inspiring and helpful. I know what you mean about the change you feel. It feels like such a prize for all of your hard work and faith. I spent 20 years on the merry go round. I was quite a victim caught up in his disaster until I realized one day, I had choices of my own and had agreed to participate in everything willingly and sometimes supplying the crazy for the both of us. The peace that came with the program, the learning, the freedom is breathtaking. It doesnt mean I didnt take great comfort in the good moments of what became the next failed attempt at recovery. Serenity allowed me to be peaceful not knowing the future where before, it tore me up as I spun along the uncontrollable path. My AH is out but is still my H and in my heart. We are family and this brings me peace to know. That doesnt mean I want to be with him now or standing in the path of his locomotive to rock bottom. I know he is an adult and has a right to his own choices. If he wants to succumb to the disease he will. If his choice becomes a burden, he is able to make a better choice. What matters is I make the right choices for me, just as you have now for you. I think you are showing what it is to be lovingly detached. As long as that works, it works. We all have our own boundaries because its what we require. Best wishes with the next right thing and such a graceful time of peace. (((Hugs)))
I am actively working in my life to be as far away from addicts/alcoholics as I can.
When I meet someone who is caught up in it these days I absolutely refuse to enable them
I was never in that place before. I lived my life to rescue and help others. I lived through others. I.am far more self reliant these days. Self reliance came from having boundaries. I had nine before
Maresie
