The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
seems like the theme today. Last nite H and I were driving home from my folks house. He had been sort of nasty toward me all day. Nothiing specific, just getting those barbs of disapproval. So, on the ride home he starts into this rant about what time our 13y/o should go to bed and get up. He just wants to engage me in this vortex of disagreement--I don't support him, he doesn't have control over decisions with the kids, he isn't around to enforce the rules he wants for the kids, etc. Admittedly, I am the more "permissive" parent. I am not a great rule maker mostly because I pick my battles. I try to create compromise between the opposing parties (do I sound codependent or what???) So, he goes to bed angry and leaves angry this am and will justify his pot use by telling himself that no one in the house listens to him or cares what he wants. The reality is that He tries to create serenity for himself by smoking pot--instead of actually communicating and compromising and engaging with the family. Its all about his needs/his job/his big tv/wa wa wa! I just think we make a few steps forward in this marriage and then it crumbles back again and again. Is it worth working on? Serenity--- a work in process for sure. it is a journey not a destination.
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I hope you find the serenity you need today! It can get so annoying listening to their barbs and complaints!!! Try to find time to do something nice for yourself today!
I so can relate to the compromises and being permissive. I set down a rule and then have trouble backing it up. I get consumed with other things and just not wanting to argue about anything. (Which I know in the long run will hurt them!) I keep hoping that one day I will get it!
So sorry you feel distraught today. I am in the same place you are and here is what I keep asking myself. Do I have to join into her anger party?
My AW called me from a fun park friday where she was with our son... smashed and wanted to talk. She wanted to talk me out of going to Al-Anon... again. She was angry that I won't change my mind.
She made it home, nobody got hurt, but she was still angry (very angry). She went to bed angry, got up angry, was so upset she is making herself sick angry all through the weekend. I am trying to lift her up to HP and just do my thing. It is very hard for me.
The best I can do for myself is to not let myself become sick. I played ball with my son cooked bar-b-que, washed the cars. That car washing thing wasn't planned (somebody egged our cars on Easter!)
Sounds like you are falling into the trap I have fallen into for years, and still today... I believed their complants without validation, and tried to correct myself to their warped demands. That's what makes us sick. It helps me to think of it that way.
Serenity in yourself first... then the marriage will be what it will be.
Take care of yourself, you deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It's always good to hear that someone else is dealing with similiar behavior. My ex a was one to always want to set the rules and of course would never be around to enforce them. Or he would tend to pass the buck so to speak. If something needed done, just make one of the kids do it. I do think there is a place and time for chores and bedtimes, etc... but in living with an alcoholic it becomes quite difficult not to become fustrated in their attempts at focusing on the kids and not themselves. I finally decided that unless my a could become part of the solution instead of part of the problem, I would do my best to determine what was fair and healthy for my children. So far, I haven't done the worse or the best, and none of my kids have gotten into any serious trouble, though they do suffer the affects of growing up in an alcoholic home. My youngest, also 13, is going through a tough year in school, as in failing all his major subjects. Yet is not a behavior problem in school... go figure. At home he usually does what he is told to do, if he realizes he can't get away with not doing it, but my bf gets fustrated when he catches him mumbling under his breath and trying to skirt around doing things. I try to explain that this is normal adolescent behavior and that we are working on having my son evaluated for his "attention" problem, but there is no room for bf to get bent out of shape and fustrated over the actions of a teenager. What I don't need is two adolescent's on my hands. I had that with the alcoholic. Fortunately, bf works through his fustrations as he also works our program, but it gets old sometimes. Sometimes I truly wonder where the men are in this world that are great mentors to kids and not tormentors. This kid is angry enough at his own father. All my kids mentioned that their dad called them on Easter morning and did not even have a full minute conversation with any one of them. Fustrating, sad, and yet I know that accepting the disease for what it is, that is what helps me to remain serene.
I am not a great rule maker mostly because I pick my battles. I try to create compromise between the opposing parties (do I sound codependent or what???)
(((Gknee))))
Picking your battles with your children is not codependant it is simply being a good parent.
While they do need rules and boundaries, children learn by having some say over their lives. I too pick my battles. I let the little things go, and stress the really important issues when it comes to dicipline. I try and keep them safe.
I know my A nitpicks too, and goes overboard with punishment. His idea of punishment for a messy room is to break their TV, or something else important to him. He wants to be the sole ruler and dictator in this house and gets angry that the kids tend to ignore him or stay away fromhim when he is drinking.
