The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So after several serious this time attempts at sobriety and the revolving door of living out and back in, my AH was told he cant be here. Its different this time because he was actually sober when he was asked to leave. It was the alcoholic rage that made me realize this isnt okay. He knows just what to do so he doesnt end up in that place of withdrawal and rage but chooses not to do it. The same choice means he is committing not to drink. Are the two related? Not mine to wonder about. This time the mood swing into irrational behavior and violent outburst of property destruction happened when he was alone with our daughter. I had it in my head, if hes not drinking he is safe. I always put the unacceptable behavior with the drinking. Mistake. He frightened my daughter enough for her to call me home and I asked him to leave.
He came back today sober and ready to plug back in as though this is the next part of some agreement. I explained this cant be. I told him, he needs to go do what he will, drink, not drink whatever. Maybe one day if he chooses to achieve a meaningful sobriety things will be different but they cant be like this anymore. Being subject to the kind of fear she felt (the awful fear I felt rushing home to my daughter), is what messes kids up. I am here to raise my daughter in a safe and loving environment. It cannot include the psychological abuse of his rage around wanting to drink. He tried to say our little dogs caused his behavior not even seeing, people dont rage and destroy property when their dogs dont behave. Maybe he sees clearly through his excuses he hands me. Again, not mine to wonder. Anyway, it still feels yucky when someone says ill do the right thing now and have to turn them out. Ive always wanted to believe him. Ive always wanted to cheer for him. I cant repeat the past cycle anymore, not now that hes impacted our daughter the way he has. I would be hurting her by allowing him to fool me any longer and I wont do that. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Add to that the fact that alcoholism always changes. It gets worse. Each time you think youve managed it, the disease wins. Hes had his chances and made his choices. Now ive made mine. Its sad this is what was necessary but you work with what you have.
Now its time to make a nice day for me and my girl. Working with what I have there is a ton and a pleasure. For this I am always grateful.
I read this post and think about the journey my alcoholic/addict and I traveled until we stopped for certain for our individual selves. I finally succumbed to the sanity of Al-Anon and she to the sobriety of a hospital program fulltime. She put a bag over her head to blindly and willingly go thru the program and became my metaphor for humility. I don't know how she is doing for today...her Higher Power does but I do know that the last time we saw each other we knew what unconditional love was.
I wish the same for you and your daughter and alcoholic either separately or better yet as a family. ((((hugs))))
Thank you Jerry for sharing your experience and for the wish in the end. What a really lovely thing to say. Made me feel lighter. Thanks for being there. Hope you are having a great day. (((Hugs)))
I read your first post sunmustshine...and was leaps out at me is...one, you get it! Period. You get it well. Very well. Whatever it took, you did it, and you got there. I admire and respect that greatly. Read your post -- no denial, no rationalizing, no excuses, no justification, simply put, no BS. I admire and respect that tremendously as well. You have tremendous clarity and focus in and around your recovery, you getting better, your life, etc. More people should strive for that. Two, you are strong enough to do what is best, healthy, and safe, for you and your daughter. You did the next right thing in front of you, for you, for your daughter. You have such focus on YOU, what you need to do, and what and how you want to live your life. Just amazing.
Lastly, keep it up. Keep doing the work, and your life will be wonderful.
Thank you very much for your post and for sharing! All the best!
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I have a great tolerance for living around and dealing with difficult people. In recent months I have set lots if limits
This program takes a while to absorb
I currently live in a roommate situation with an alcoholic who I have known for over 20 years. It has taken ne over 2p years to be able to get to a point where his dysfunction is not a huge trigger for ne
I must admit it is a central refocus exercise. But there is a real beauty in not geing in constant reaction
My time in this roommate situation is very limited. I.am working to make the transition smooth. I am also working nit to get involved in his issues. I have my own. For.ne that kind of life transition is remarkable. Other people have always been the focus of ny.existence
Transitions are difficult. When transitioned to this roommate situation it was a disaster. When I transition out I want it to be seamless
Maresie
Thank you Sun, for your very personal share. I applaud you. What you are doing right now, is the harder thing. At some point, we spouses of Addicted Loved Ones just don't have anymore to give them. They have wrung every ounce of "second chances" available! Doesn't matter that they don't "get" or "see" it. What matters is your health and sanity, and being the strong Mama to your child. You are spot on when knowing that his "not drinking" behavior will affect her! Kudos for being that strong voice for your girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just keep moving forward. Times will come that may be tough... next positive step!
Supporting you and your program work!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((sunmustshine))) - great to see you again! It sounds to me as if you're doing what you need to do to move forward with plans for a healthy, happy life for you and your daughter....all good from my side of the world! There is never any shame in making any choice as we progress through recovery - that's what it's all about - growing, changing, embracing, accepting - over and over and over again.
Truly good to see you and hope you keep coming back! You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sounds like you were truly "sick and tired of being sick and tired", and I applaud you for your commitment..... sounds like it must be the right thing for you, in your unique set of circumstances....
Standing by your convictions is never easy, particularly when emotions are involved.... I'd encourage you to dive into your program of recovery right now, as you'll no doubt have lots of second guessing yourself in the coming days/weeks/months....
A saying comes to mind, from my wise old sponsor (as well as from Toby Rice Drews) - "strong enough to leave, strong enough to stay" in that, your decision sounds right for YOU....
Hugs
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you all so much. Its so good to see all of you too. I feel so grateful to be part of this family. The wisdom, experience and love is overwhelming. When it feels like work to stand tall and feel sure of myself it becomes so much easier with your support. Your words not only confirm what I feel, but give me peace knowing youve been through it, been where I am, and are with me now. So glad to be with you. ((((Hugs))))
Insecurity, as an emotion, a reaction, in that being psychological sense is traditionally a byproduct. It's normally a result of, caused by, etc.
Very often, insecurity can be a result of a trigger, but also a comfort zone issue. The devil you know concept. For me, my experience, you can view that insecurity as a fear...and with a fear...the way to overcome it...is to walk right up to it and meet it head on. Yes, stand tall. Yes, feel strong, sure of yourself...because YOU are doing it! Don't meet it with fear, meet it with strength!
Tolerance can become normal. We can condition ourselves to tolerate a lot -- are we really learning to tolerate unacceptable behavior? Hence, denial. Blind spots. Just because we can say how important is it and let go, and say it's OK -- doesn't mean it is. That takes time, it changes, it ebbs and flows...and yes, I love what Tom said...you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Enough. Transitions can be as hard as we make them. Our approach, our mindset, our perspective can be the most important factor!!!
You are doing it. Period. I admire and respect you, your example, what you are doing, and your strength and courage so very much!!!
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
