The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been about six months since I desided not to post here again. Not because of anyone here but out of embarrassment and humiliation. I swore I would never put my thoughts and feelings in print again. For those of you who know, I apologize again and for those of you who don't, maybe I can start fresh.
I can't believe denial got me again. I have heard many longtime members speak of how sobriety can be just as hard as the drinking days. I would hear them say this and think,"Okay, alright, got it. No problem. It's still far better than the drinking." I had no idea what it all held for me and that it would be the same life only without alcohol.
I go to f2f meetings, I read, I speak with other members, I am in counseling, I wake-up every morning and ask myself, " If he didn't exist what would I be doing today?" and I do that. But I have been in denial.
He is seven years in the program and is still a dry drunk. It's not different. The only difference is he knows he's a dry drunk. He does try but can't seem to move beyond all the selfcenteredness, depression, insomnia, over eating, extreme behavior, unreliability and just generally never really avalible to us.
I am still as on my own now as I was when he was drunk. Our life is forever about him and his issues and there is no room for anyone else. I thought that by now I would have the partner I have been waiting for. He is aware of all of this and says he's trying but how long are we suppose to wait? I have had a few issues of myown come up in the last year but I am unable to properly work through them because if I fall apart there is no one to pick up the peices. When do I get to lean on him? That is what a marriage is , isen't it?
After a week of him up all night and sleeping all day (we have two children) I gave him final notice. I told him I am being push to the point of divorce. I don't really want to because a part of me is still clinging to the hope it will change but I think maybe it is just more denial. I have given him 23 years and now I am just so tired. I have nothing left to give him. He has taken it all. I see families and couples doing things together and I want what they have. I have spent all my teens, twenties and thirdies in a one sided relationship and I am wearing down.
Now I really get what they ment when those longtime members said it can be just as hard. If I had known then what I know now I would have just stayed separated seven years ago and moved on then. I'm not sure what I am looking for by posting this but there it is.
I can so relate to your post. I to am living with a dry drunk who continues to be emotionally unavailable to me and my family. The continued behaviors do wear thin. But my sponsor once asked me can I accept him for who he is? After much soul searching I decided that I could. When the lonliness of being in a one sided relationship kick in - I find things to occupy me. I look inside myself to see why it is that I am lonely. Usually it is something within me that is causing it - a victim response, unhappiness within myself for my actions, etc. It is then that I work on myself. I to hope that my husband will turn that corner in his program, but I dont put my life on hold waiting for it. I live life for me - I turn it over each day and ask for my HP to be in my life - and then when those alone times come - I am truly never alone.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through! Dry drunks are no fun!! I agree that marriage is supposed to be give and take. Your spouse is supposed to be there for you to lean on. Unfortunately our spouses never seem to go to the same schooling as we did--for that seem to have not gotten that memo! Some days I think I'm going to totally loose it because of that!!!
I wish you could find the answers you are needing. I hope you find some peace today. I will pray for you.
Does your husband listen to tapes? Would he be willing to listen to some AA speakers? Father Leo Booth is an excellent speaker. He is extremely funny and easy to listen to. I don't know if that would even help. My whole family enjoys listening to him though. Even my a though he isn't going to meetings right now. I don't know it's at least something different.
((((Agatha)))) welcome back. I leave and come back too. Reading your post makes me think we are married to the same person. Arrrggghhh! Sometimes I think I only stay with him out of sheer laziness-- but I think he feels the same, unfortunately. and then--there is the children. Mine isn't quite dry--he kind of cycles use and nonuse--but never works a program. Doesn't need one--no one's situation is like his--etc,etc. sorry you are frustrated--sorry I am too!! Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
So many of us can relate to your post agatha. Welcome back, by the way. We just keep plugging along, one step forward, two back as I say. I am sorry things have not been good, and I will remember you in my heart and my prayers. It is all such a struggle for those of us who love them. But I do believe with the help of Al Anon and all the prayers, we do make it; with them or without them.
With great caring and concern, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
This hits home w/ me too. One of my A's classic lines is, I didn't drink for 4 years and nothing changed.
Well, I know I didn't change enough but she didn't at all. She thought that if she took away the booze it would all get better. The same issues festered, the same behaviors remained.
One of the things she used to always say is "I'm doing the best I can." I used to hate that but find myself saying it all the time myself. When I can't be in 3 places at once, but I'm where I can be, I'm doing the best I can.
Alamom's sponsor's questions hit home w/ me too. Can I accept her for what she is? Maybe that is what I have to work on, accepting her for the person she is. I don't have to settle for less myself. If her best is less than I need or want, maybe it's time to move on.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Glad to hear from you, I have thought about you often over the last while, and wondered if you were OK.
I have learned to stay away from the "what a marriage is supposed to be" thinking, and focused instead on "am I happier with him or without him?". He is what he is, and yes, I'm married to another one who didn't get the memo! I used to drive myself crazy waiting for our marriage to be 'fair'. When will it be MY turn to be self indulgent, irritable, needy.....? Until I started realizing that this was just a road I didn't need to go down. It's NOT fair, and it never will be. I can either accept that, or decide I want to try for fairness somewhere else. Expecting him to become the balanced person he never will be is just beating my head against a brick wall (and beating HIS head, too - he feels those unmet expectations, but even though he tries, he will never really be the whole, loving man I wish he was. This just adds to his self hatred)
i remember being in the middle of a screaming match and yelling "when will it be my turn to be crazy?" i realized soon after that i was crazy. when i started working the program i started to see that i didn't really want to be crazy. i didn't want to be sick and then i stopped envying his insanity. i started to become the spouse i wanted to be. he changed, then changed back. he was finally diagnosed with bi polar disorder when he was in rehab for his drug abuse. that explained alot. but today he is "out there" and i've decided that i'd rather try this alone rather than continue to take care of him.i have 3 kids and although i love him i didn't give birth to him and i resent playing mommy to him. maybe he is just the way he is, maybe it's the disease or the mental illness but in the end it doesn't matter. i matter. i don't think i'll be involved with anyone any time soon. i have alot of work to do on me before i'll be able to be with a reasonably healthy person ( not too healthy that might be boring!) good luck and when the time is right you'll do what needs to be done whatever that might be.
Thank you for your honest share. So often I am just looking for a little understanding when I post here, and I tell you my friend I understand your embarassment. Quite often I am so terribly embarassed about something I have felt or done that it is difficult for me to share it openly. I have been so fortunate to have been only accepted by love when I have opened my heart up here. I realize that is not always going to happen. I think my hp knows well how to take care of me. As yours will take care of you. Just know that I love you unconditionally my friend, please continue to post knowing that you are loved for who you are. Don't be afraid to work your program. Those fears have held me back for way too long...
