((katrina))

You are good enough right now for someone to love you and always have been. It is those thoughts that haunt you that make you think differently, not reality. Our own thoughts can be terribly damaging to us. What we think of ourselves is always more damning then what is really inside of each of us waiting to bloom.
Many of us have been hurt and scarred, the result of that is self doubt, belittling self, feeling unworthy ..the list goes on and on.

We are all connected and part of the universal energy, all part of one. None of us are less or unworthy of the things that life offers.
What goes on in our own minds, our opinions of self, can be more crippling then anything. We hold on to events of the past that make us feel unworthy, even if the event only lasted a moment, it can cause a lifetime of self damning behavior and thoughts.

No one is the sum of an event. We have our own spirit or soul, (whatever you choose to call it). We just need to peel off the years of negativity and hurt we have held on to and find the person within, the person we were meant to be..
Working the steps makes that possible for us.

Christy





-- Edited by Christy at 09:57, 2006-04-17

Keep coming back - you are definitely in the right place . . .

so many of the feelings and things you share are just like myself, prior to recovery.  I have been in this program for 2 1/2 years and still catch myself sometimes saying those things like "You're stupid" "Idiot" "How stupid for you to forget?"  my sponsor and this program reminds me that I would never say those things to anyone else so why do I say them to myself?  So I must remember to be kind to others and to be kind to me.  Give yourself time to heal from the scars from the effects of the disease.  Be good to yourself - get plenty of rest, attend some f2f meetings, read Al-Anon literature,  etc.

You are a special person, to your HP, to this recovery group and to me, hope you continue to grow One Day At A Time in the program . .

Rita

 

katrina2000 wrote:

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...  I wish I could be like other women who don't feel like they have to work to make a man happy.  I wish I was wired different in my brain.  I'm a mess.  I'm lonely and scared.  Will I ever be good enough for anyone to truly love me?  Or am i doomed to live this life alone, scared, and stupid? kat

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Hi ((((((Kat))))))) I bolded that one line above because it is the line that jumped out at me, seeing as how I used to think that same exact line all the time.  Any relationship failure I always took to be MY fault.  I wasn't good enough.  You know.  I'd been married twice, I'd had relationships while single, I got married for the 3rd time.  I had 4 children by the time I met my 3rd and current husband.  And it wasn't just "am I good enough", but by then it was "are my kids and I good enough".  I expected soooo much from me and them.  Why did I put these men on a pedastal?  Why did I think they were "better" than me/us?  Perhaps it was that fear of being alone/lonely.  I don't know?  And it is hard to explain just what got my thinking changed.  I went back to college (a community college) and got my AA degree while living at my parents after my 2nd divorce.  I took that time not only to get that education, but to spend it not in a relationship.  I can remember praying a whole lot for HP to take "desire" away from me so that I could be happy alone.  HP did for me what I could not do for myself.  I became comfortable being alone and a single mom.  I made friends.  I loved my college days.  I worked part-time in a student worker job at the college, running the CARE program they had through the EOPS office.  It was great helping other single mom's get the help they needed to enable them to do college.  The more I learned, the better I felt about myself, the more I felt I had something to offer to others in life, that I could make a difference.  I had made a promise to myself that I was going to get through my 2 years there and do the best I could.  Dedicated my first semester to my Grandma who had always tried to get me into college and who had passed away several years prior.  I made straight A's that semester.  Was put on the Dean's Honor Roll.  Discovered the Honor Society was defunct at that time due to lack of participation.  Went to the Honor Society Advisor and asked how we could get it going again.  Worked with him and a few other students - got it going.  Got a 2nd professor to volunteer as an additional Honor Society Advisor.  Was voted in President my last year at the college for the Honor Society.  What an honor.  And it was all great!!  Yes I was busy, but what a good busy it was.  And the opportunities it gave to me, speaking at award assemblies, going to conferences, meeting professors and deans.  My boss at the CARE program (a Dean) is still a dear friend today.  His story is awesome too.  He used to be a sharecroppers son who worked out in the fields.  He always encouraged me in my endeavors.  He helped me with ideas for the Honor Society, he told me who in the college system to speak to, he encouraged me to continue my education (the one thing I didn't do and wish I had...but who knows, I can always return to college.)  The point of all this?  These are things I can look back on when I begin to feel "not good enough".  But they are not the only things.  I survived a horrible divorce (2nd) where I went thru a mental breakdown and lost the feeling of who I was (was totally numb inside), I managed to survive and support my 4 children on my own, I pulled myself up out of the welfare system and into college and then into the job market.  I moved with only $2000 in my bank from Calif. to Oregon with no job/place to live, in the hopes of getting myself and children to a better place.  Within 3 weeks I had a job lined up (secretary at the County Mental Health Dept.) and found an apartment in a really nice area for low-income.  I got my first paycheck just as my money was running out.  HP certainly was watching over us, allowing for things to fall into place just as they were needed.  A counselor at work mentioned how he was taking applications for his Seniors for HUD housing.  I asked him about HUD housing for single moms.  He told me to fill out an application and he would turn it in for me.  Within 3 months I was approved and HUD took over paying my apartment rental.  I have been so blessed.  The work at the Mental Health Dept. did take its toll though.  It was hard listening to the tapes I transcribed.  There came a night when I felt I could not take it anymore and called our own Hotline.  The person on the other end assured me that many of my co-workers, counselors included, often needed "debriefing".  So I got a list of outside counselors from them.  I chose a lady who used to be head of the Dept. and who had gone back to private counseling.  She was absolutely wonderful.  We spoke of the job, the issues with being a single mom, the issues in my relationship (I was dating hubby at that time), and so on.  The main thing with my kids...she would tell me, until you have yourself under control you won't be able to help your kids.  In other words, put my oxygen mask on first!  So I took a look at myself, at my parenting.  I was inconsistent, I didn't pay enough attention to their schooling, I did everything at home rather than have them help me.  Soo... they were given chores, I followed thru on any "if you don't do this, then this will happen" statements, I made time to go to school and talk with the teachers, to look at their homework, etc.  And in the process, not just my attitude, but their attitude changed.  Life became a bit more harmonious.  There was more respect in my home.  Now enter my getting married.... somewhere in that first year of marriage (we moved to Florida during this time), I lost sight of "me" again.  Looking back I can see it was the disease of alcoholism rearing its ugly head and pulling me in.  I began doing the walking on eggshells and expecting perfection from my kids.  Of course, they couldn't be perfect.  And truly, they were just being regular kids.  But I expected so much more.  Sheesh.  And then I began detaching in a very unhealthy way.  I spent hours online in a chat room with other homemakers.  I neglected the kids, the house, the husband.  I would just go chat and "escape" from it all.  This in turn upset hubby and the kids.  Vicious cycle.  Many many arguments due to that and the drinking (which he did more and more).  I don't know what it was... but one day it came to a head for me.  I was tired of the "you don't do anything" comment.  I remember quite clearly...it was a Friday, the kids had not done chores, hubby was griping about "you don't do anything".... and I just all of a sudden began screaming "I work ALL week too, I come home on the weekend and have to do all the laundry and clean the house and run errands and grocery shop... when do I get a break?!?!?  When do I get a weekend off???  I'M ON STRIKE!!!!!!  You all can take care of everything this weekend!!  I'm NOT doing anything!  I'M ON STRIKE!!!!"  The looks on all their faces.... hubby's jaw dropped.... then he quietly said "Honey, why don't you go take a nice hot bath and relax."  So I did, and when I came out, dinner was on the table, chores were done.  Ha!  I think that was the turning point for me about "being good enough".  I am a person of value, and if you don't want to be with me, then maybe its because YOU are not good enough to share life with me and my kids.  I want someone who wants to be there and who accepts me just as I am, and I in turn will accept him likewise.  That was a real eye-opener for me.  I won't say life has been easy since then.  It actually got harder, it was pre-alanon.  But looking back I can see at that time I had used some alanon tools unknowingly.  Standing up for myself and refusing to walk on eggshells... that was a big one.  Accepting myself and saying "I'm an okay person!" was another big one.  It took me a few years more before I found alanon.  And yes, since then, life has been getting better.  Still not easy, but easier.  Hubby still wants more from me, but I do what I can and if its not good enough, well sorry.  Accept it or leave.  I can say that now.  I'm not afraid.  I know I can survive.  I do admit when he is right about something, I do say "I'm working on that" when I am.  I acknowledge his feelings and I express my own.  Gifts of the program.  There is always Hope that things can change for the better.  Keep working it!!!

Luv, Kis